Asternon

increasingly appealing

I think you mean apeeling.

C'mon, effortless joys, remember?

Unfortunately, there is no universal "moment of clarity" for anyone. There isn't a moment that all of us addicts share where we all go "yes, I need to quit now."

For me, that moment of clarity came when I was confronted by my mother for the second time (after she thought I had gotten clean a first time). She then brought me into the living room with the siblings and even phone my older brother, who was also an addict and in recovery at that time.

Seeing the devastation I was bringing to my family and most of all my mother was when I realized the life I was living was not, and could never be, worth it. The pain and discomfort of getting clean was going to be well worth it to put an end to the pain I was inflicting on my loved ones.

That may not be the only moment of clarity that matters, though. There's another one that's often just as, if not more, important than that, and it's finding out why you've gotten addicted. No one wakes up one morning and thinks "I'd really like to drastically change and probably ruin my life by getting addicted to opiates and potentially kill myself with them." There's almost always some underlying reason, something you're trying to escape or run away from that heroin or oxy or hydros or whatever offers a refuge from.

For me, it took a long time to realize what it was. I was talking to my mother about why I was at the place I was, and I remember saying things that I hadn't actually consciously realized yet, it was like some unconscious part of me was providing the words to help myself understand, if that makes any sense. My addiction started shortly after my family moved away, I was pretty much all alone for the first time in my life. Often, the only times I could actually hang out with friends was by doing drugs with them, and even if I couldn't hang out with them, being high was enough to make me forget about how god damn lonely I was.

The realization that not only was I hiding from something, but actually being able to identify what it was combined with the sudden understanding of how much I was hurting my recently-returned family was what finally allowed me to make the decision and put in the effort to get clean. I have not used a single time since that morning.

There is one thing I want to suggest for you. You'll know better than I will if it will work for you, but given that you've been doing this on and off for about 10 years, it seems to me that there's some flaw that needs to be fixed before you can fix yourself, and I've seen it a lot.

Maybe this time, don't try to taper off the suboxone so quickly. I know that staying on it for a prolonged period isn't fun, there's a stigma attached to it and people say it's just trading one addiction for another, but that's utter bullshit. Suboxone can be a real life saver if you use it correctly, and just using it to replace your drug of choice and taper off immediately is not always the best course of action.

Take it to keep yourself healthy and happy while you work on rebuilding anything in your life that you've damaged or destroyed. Work on your relationships and make a great support network. Keep yourself productive, work on any mental health issues that may be causing you problems, get yourself into a routine. Set yourself up for success so that when it's time to taper off and eventually be off suboxone, you won't have a reason to run back to heroin or other opiates to hide from any problems.

Suboxone can give you the power to work through the underlying issues that caused your addiction in the first place without doing more damage. And it has the added benefit of making relapsing and getting high damn near impossible and, assuming you're at the correct dosage, will make you not crave it at all.

I wish you the best of luck going forward, and I really hope you're able to kick it for good this time. The addict life is not an enjoyable one and getting away from it is the best decision I've ever made. I hope you can say the same soon, too.

When I was experimenting with it, my favourite reality check was to pinch my nose and try to inhale through it. If I was able to breathe through it, I could be sure I was dreaming.

Of course, the first time I managed to inhale through my blocked nostrils, I was so shocked/excited that I immediately woke up.

I was burning 10,000 calories per day

I think I might've just found the next fad weight loss scheme...

I can't wait to monetize this!

They make them take polygraphs

Seriously? As in they make them take a polygraph to determine whether or not they are telling the truth?

You'd think that people in the medical field would know that they do not work like that and are extremely susceptible to both inaccurate readings and being tricked.

Honestly, if that's how they're using them, it almost seems like it's intentional. Like they're making it easy for the doctor to pass and get back to practicing.