Alolanvulpixie8 karma2020-12-29 20:36:21 UTC
Dr Tingle,In your AMA last year, I talked to you about some struggles I was having with my husband and longing to be back with my paramour (I called myself polyam in that post, but I have since then learned that the better description of my trot is ambiamorous).A year later and very little has changed. Many friends have suggested that the solution is to just pound husband and things will be better. But part of my trot is the demisexual way, and so the lack of emotional connection also means a lack of sexual desire and arousal, and husband knows this and agrees that pounding is not the solution. We have spoken about my feelings and all of this this many times in the last year, but have gotten nowhere. Husband is also about to become a Doctor (he graduates in May and will start residency after that), so he is also very busy and under a lot of stress (and the pandemic only makes the "normal" stress of being 5 months from graduation even worse, especially because he is currently doing clinical rotations in the ER and ICU).
We have had lots of fights (but nothing physical, and usually over text or messenger so that we are not yelling at each other). Things were so bad that I considered leaving before Thanksgiving, but finances prevented that (I stay at home to do virtual school with our son, since he could be a vector to spread the virus, so I do not work, so money is tight while husband is finishing rotations and paying for residency applications) but I wanted to also make sure our 8 year old son with an autistic trot had a good holiday season this year instead of it being the time he remembers as when mom and dad separated.With residency right around the corner husband has said that "things will only get worse before they get better" and while he hasn't refused my suggestions of getting counseling, he has also not done anything in the way of helping me get that process started.
I have tried very hard this year to do what I can to prove love to husband. Gifts is my love language (and he knows that) and I have bought him many nice things to try to make him happy or to be less stressed. He said he wanted to start doing wood working as a hobby and way to de-stress. So for our 9th wedding anniversary in August I bought him a set of wood working tools. Then I went and sold a bunch of my Pokemon cards (which is my hobby) so that he could buy wood and other supplies to start making things (and he was with me as we went to the card shop to sell the cards before going to the hardware store, and he knows that I was selling the cards so he could buy the stuff), and for Christmas I bough him a work bench so that he had a better place to use his tools.I have also tried using his love language of touch by trying to cuddle with him, or do things like lay my head on his shoulder while watching videos in bed, but I get no response, unless he is of the horny way, at which point he just wants to pound and is frustrated that I do not want to pound (for reasons discussed above). The only time I feel any sort of connection is when we play video games together, but that is never done in the same room because he is either out of town on a rotation, or we are playing PC games and so he is at his desk in our bedroom, and I am at my desk in my office. We mostly play games where we have to work together, and it is the only time things feel even close to what they used to 5+ years ago when our marriage was still good. As well as this Christmas, where he gave me a surprise gift that I didn't know about (for the last several years I have bought my own Christmas gifts for him to give to me, and I did that for all but one of the gifts this year)
I have asked him to prove love to me with more than just surprise gift, because I do not remember the last time he said "I love you" (and I still try to say it to him as often as possible). His response was "I want what is best for you, and I love you" which to me does not prove love the same way saying just "I love you" does, as it feels like it is an afterthought, not the heart of the answer. It also seems like that ties into something he said a few years ago about my poor mental health "I'm worried that without me you wouldn't be able to hold down a job and would end up homeless and possibly addicted to something" So I feel like "I want what is best for you and I love you" more means, "I will feel guilty if you leave and things go bad for you." On the mental health front I have been struggling this year with my alphabet soup of mental illnesses (MDD, GAD, OCD, SAD, and BP1), but I am finally with a good mind doctor who has done a good job finding medicines that give my brain the neurotransmitter it needs to help my brain function more normally instead in the non functioning way where the call of the lonesome train keeps me in bed all day. (PS I would LOVE a Tingler that is something like "pounded in the brain by the neurotransmitters of my psychiatric medications" as you have done such a wonderful job helping normalize different trots and ways, that having a Tingler that shows that psych meds are good and to help normalize that many people need them would be wonderful, maybe as a charity book to support a Mental Health charity like NAMI)
I really don't know what to do at this point. I do still love husband, but I am so lonely and unloved. But if I did leave him, I also don't expect that I would go back to my paramour. It has been a year and he's moved on. We are still friends and we still message some time, but I do not expect that if I were to go back home that he would immediately pick up where we left off. He may even be dating someone right now, I don't know, but I've also been afraid to ask. But he knows I still love him as much as I did the day I left. But he also tells me that husband can give him a better life than he ever could. And from a financial viewpoint, he is not wrong. Doctors make very good money, and I could live a very comfortable life if I stay with husband, because despite what people say, to a certain extent money CAN buy happiness. But my mother is in a loveless marriage and is rich. There are many ways she can make herself happy: by buying nice things and having a nice house, but I do also see that she is very miserable and lonely and has been for most of my adult life. And I do not want to end up like her when I am her age.
I feel like I keep trying to build a bridge to cross the emotional gap with husband, but I can only build a bridge so far before he has to do some work on his end for us to connect. And I don't know what else I can do on my part. But I don't know that I want a divorce either. Because I do still love him, and I'm not going to lie, being married to a doctor does have some nice benefits. And I do not want our autistic son to grow up in a divorced family, but I also don't want him to grow up in a family where it is obvious that mom and dad don't love each other. But I also do not want to feel unloved and lonely for the rest of my life, especially because husband is no longer ok with me using my ambiamorous trot to find the feelings I am missing from him from someone else, which because I am trying to prove love is real, I am respecting his feelings even though it means I am left unsatisfied.
Thank you for all that you do Dr Tingle. Your facebook posts are set to "see first" on my timeline, as they always bring either joy or comfort to me when I see them.
View HistoryShare Link
Alolanvulpixie6 karma2019-10-15 17:43:50 UTC
I believe Love is real. But I am struggling with love in my own life. I am polyam, but lately I have not been feeling the love with my husband and find myself longing to be back with my former paramour (I had to move away from him to be back with my husband. Short form of the long story is that we were living apart because he got accepted into medical school in Arkansas, while I was still attending school in Florida, and even though I still haven't finished my degree, I moved to be back with him so that I can take care of my son and the household while he does his 3rd year rotations)
I believe love is real and that I have made a commitment (via our marriage vows, we just celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary) to my husband (and our 7 year old son). But since moving back with my family 4 months ago, I have been miserable. We have had almost no intimacy (I will admit that some of that is my fault, because I also have severe depression that sometimes fucks with my sex drive), but we barely ever kiss or cuddle and in the 4 months I've been here, he's only even tried to initiate sex twice. Hell, even when we do share the same bed (which is not every night) the dog is usually sleeping in between us.
I also hate where I live, am so lonely, and would give anything to be back in Florida with my friends (even without any promise that my paramour would restart a relationship with me).
I don't /want/ to leave my husband. But I don't know what to do to fix this. I do still love him, but I'm not "feeling the love" if you get my meaning. And I think that is why I find myself longing for my former paramour.
I'm just sad and lonely all the time, and I'm worried that these feelings are going to eventually turn into resentment towards Hubby (I watched the same thing happen to my mom, who has stayed in an apparent loveless marriage for decades).
I don't know what to do. Can you please offer some advice?
Alolanvulpixie5 karma2019-10-15 19:24:35 UTC
Thank you very much sir! We are indeed open and honest, and you are right, it is time to have another conversation.
And son is absolutely the most important part of this equation and will always be the main consideration when making decisions.
Alolanvulpixie4 karma2020-12-29 22:36:14 UTC
Thank you so much good sir. I appreciate you taking the time just to listen, and for giving me this safe place where I could put these feelings to words around buckaroos that won't judge me.
And thank you for everything you have said. I needed the encouragement, and the advice you have given both times have been so helpful.
Copyright © 2014 BestofAMA.com, All rights reserved.
reddit has not approved or endorsed BestofAMA, reddit design elements are trademarks of reddit inc.