17_irons

You are a brave and wonderful person. I hope that you and the OP will be able to speak, one way or another. Thank you so much for posting.

I haven't walked in shoes close to yours, but I can tell you that after 8 years as a firefighter (nowhere close to New York), I have been on countless calls where people who, to this day probably consider themselves "only a victim" are massively heroic and don't even realize it. I have every idea that your actions or reactions, your calming words or your kindness, your anger or your fear or your adrenaline or your hugs or tears, that you helped someone that day. Maybe it was a hundred people, maybe it was one. Maybe it was immediately life saving and you know, maybe it was words of comfort that stuck with someone there with you till later on, just enough for them to hold on later, and you'll never know.... The fact that you are able to come forward now and share with others like the OP and the rest of us is exemplary of your courage. Your questions here and your background make me think that you have helped or will help make the world a better place because of what you have seen and will make of it in some way.

In my experiences, people who survive such traumatic circumstances often carry guilt (illogical but inevitable) that is real, OK, and best delt with by speaking or writing to others about it. If this is your first time, don't be afraid to keep going. People who are trained to help are great. Talking to others who have shared your experiences (even in an informal environment) can also be very helpful.

Thank you for everything you did. Your heroism and self-sacrifice are something that few will know as they pass you in the street, but those for whom you sacraficed your phsical and mental health for, I believe, gaze upon you from heaven in admiration of your courage. I am deeply humbled by people such as yourself.