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I used to be one. There were short moments of violence, often after an escalating, bitter argument, then the commitment to never let it happen again. And then after a few months it would happen again. And again. Until one time I looked for help, which was difficult. Most resources are there for women victims. I discovered there ARE resources out there for abusers who want to change, but struggle without outside help. Places like the DVIP (domestic violence intervention project). I went to a 6 month during group support session in which you constantly analysed arguments, behaviours etc. It was scary at first, but it really helped to face your issues and not avert responsibility or gloss over them.

The people there were surprisingly diverse, from a wealthy interior architect for banking firms to a tattooed ex-con. There seemed to be little tying them together aside from the abuse. I discovered that they were not terrible people either, just that they had a part of them that had caused them to be abusive. Like, the insight was that their entire self wasn't just the abuse.

I was surprised that the group leaders understood many of the mechanics that underlay the cycle of abuse better than me, and they gave me lots of resources that helped me develop a more respectful relationship. I would highly recommend it to anyone, either the DVIP or a local equivalent service.

After all that, I still notice that I need to be very, very wary not to revert back to my past behaviours during arguments. But it has improved a thousand times, and I never thought I'd be able to change those behaviours. For anyone in a similar situation reading this, if you haven't been able to change it by yourself, just seek this outside help, however embarrassing it may be.

The first time it happened was after a night out. It was a stupid reason: I felt like my partner was not listening to my suggestions on how to get public transport back and that she was being disrespectful, and I got extremely angry and I pushed her. Afterwards I felt weird. I never saw myself as someone who would do something like this. I was very keen to just forget about it as soon as possible. Images of what had happened kept coming back to me.

When did you notice the pattern?

When it kept happening despite promises to my partner and myself that it would never happen again. Every time I was disgusted with myself. At one point it felt like the only option left was to get help.

Can you see when (in case you did) you started to isolate the other person? When did you realize that there was belittling?

I didn't do this, believe it or not. At the group sessions there were many people who would do things like track the person's phone, or be extremely jealous to the point of trying to isolate their partner. Or who would tell the partner she would never amount to anything, all that kind of stuff. I am completely not a jealous person and I always was supportive of my partner when she tried to start education or start a new hobby.

Abuse is invariably about control, and for me it was for me primarily trying to control her behaviour during an argument when I had decided it was getting out of hand and had to stop there and then, and I used violence to control the situation. Even during this period I wanted her to do well and succeed in things she set out to do. Of course, the violence was not conductive to this, or to her confidence.

That being said, I don't think alcohol is ever an excuse for domestic violence. It is often used as a justification, or an explanation: "I am not an abuser, it is simply the alcohol!".

I am sharing this story, not out of pride, but because I remember when I was looking for similar stories I didn't find any. If I were me 2 years ago, and I would stumble upon this comment, it would have helped me get better. It would have helped lay out a road map to recovery, and might make the partner of whoever read it to no longer be abused.