Evan Bradley Mathis

s an American football guard for the Philadelphia Eagles of the National Football League (NFL)

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EvanMathisThrowaway2578 karma

Evan, HUGE FAN. Who's your favorite player?

EvanMathisThrowaway2563 karma

Evan Mathis is my favorite player. He is awesome.

EvanMathisThrowaway1996 karma

Okay, so I'm in a football stadium but there's a 20 foot tall tree on the 50 yard line. I am in said tree with a two foot sharpened rock blade. A Tyrannosaurus makes his way to the tree. He gets within a few feet and I jump off onto the top of his head. I stab his head as hard as I can but nothing happens. He starts to move his head around and I struggle for balance. He is trying to grab me but isn't coming close. I gather myself, rear back, and impale his eye with the blade. He lets out a loud, painful roar. I reach in his eye socket, grab his brain, and rip it out like Kano would a heart. He falls to the ground. I run with his brain to the end zone and fulfill a lifelong dream by scoring the first touchdown of my entire career.

EvanMathisThrowaway1570 karma

And that's the way I wrote it. Damn it feels good to be a gangster.

EvanMathisThrowaway1411 karma

My prom was boring. But one time I went to some prom after party in LA dressed up like Woody Harrelson and met this chick named Roseanne. Sweetest girl ever. Everything was a fairytale until I lost her damn number. :(

EvanMathisThrowaway1214 karma

I am socially awkward penguin not Vinny Chase.

EvanMathisThrowaway1000 karma

It's true.

EvanMathisThrowaway997 karma

  1. Train my ass off. Have a baby in April. Train my ass off.
  2. I've never really been through this whole free agent thing while being worth a damn so I'm not completely sure how it all works. There'$ a few thing$ I'll have to con$ider when weighing my option$.
  3. Man.

EvanMathisThrowaway914 karma

Well sir, you need to update your roster. I'm a 77 and not even on a team on Madden 2012. Update your roster and I'm a 91, yayyyyy. In college, David Pollack grabbed my balls a few times during a game.

EvanMathisThrowaway878 karma

If we could convince him to. I'm sure he gets requests like that every day.