Per request, I am a person who accidentally killed someone. AMA.

TL;DR: Drunk motorcycled a girl home from a wedding, hit a curb, fracturing his neck and knocking the girl unconscious. She's induced into a coma and 10 weeks later the family pulls the plug. OP gets a year in jail for involuntary vehicular manslaughter.

Thank you, I just used this, don' think I could have said it better.

Wow, that's rough. This is a tough question, but did the family ever come around to forgive you?

Yes, actually they were there when I needed them most. They wrote a letter to my judge and asked for me to be forgiven and to spend as little time locked up as possible. I still email with her mom occasionally and share updates on my life. They are great people and I am very fortunate that they reacted the way they did. My personal emotional outcome wouldn't be what it is now without their support.

Do you think you will ever be able to meet them face to face? Also, do you still keep in contact with your friends from the wedding?

Her parents I'm assuming. Yes, it wouldn't be easy but I owe it to them, for the way they handled the situation. They had every right to hate me entirely and ask I go to prison for 15 years, instead they wrote an amazing letter asking for leniency. I still keep in contact with my friends, they've been happily married 3 years and have a beautiful baby girl.

No question. I just want to say everyone makes mistakes, some more severe than others. Noone's perfect, despite how easy it is to pretend to be while judging another human being. I hope you were able to learn from the experience and possibly steer your life in a better direction. I hope things turn out okay for you and everyone who was affected by the accident.

Thank you, these comments make me feel good, I appreciate it.

Are you still riding a motorcycle or has it become emotionally difficult? Too many great people die by sheer bad luck riding them. Not trying to change you or anything, and I'm sure you know the chances and have made your decisions. Cheers and best of luck from Finland.

Ps. Sorry if I sound insulting, English isn't my first language.

I haven't ridden since and actually have only sat on 5 motorcycles (while not running) since the accident. I got my license back after two years and driving for the first time was kind of nerve racking but actually helped to calm me down. Those two years as a passenger I spent most of the time playing music and focused on what song to play next. Watching traffic scared me shitless. I constantly remind people they are not traveling 20 mph in a safe bubble, it takes very little to take a life.

No offense at all, you wrote it perfectly. Thank you from America!

I'm almost 100% positive you are who I think you are

This is Brad

i can vouch that you're an awesome person, nicest guy in the world, and this was a freak accident

I don't think I've seen you since the incident, but I hope you're doing good

I'd love to toss some discs some time in the future man

This guy does know me %100. I wasn't going to post so much information because it would be easy to pick it out, its really not fair for me to do an AMA and not be open to all of it though. No you haven't seen me since the accident, I left Idaho really quick, I just didn't want to be there anymore. Where are you living now?

I live downtown now, with my girlfriend

I don't really see too many of the mutual friends anymore, besides occasionaly the ones I listed (deleted now for a little extra anonymity)

I really was surprised at how much you shared, every detail I know plus more I didn't, I can confirm to other redditors that you aren't leaving out a single thing

Your friends still love you and you should know you're always welcome here with open arms, I've never heard a negative thing or any of those dumb rumors you listed, jail time means very little, you definitely paid the price with your own mind, you're not somebody who would shrug it off, you faced it like an amazing guy, and people can be sure you tore yourself up enough to earn talking about it openly

To be honest I almost tl;dr'd this and hit the back button, but something caught my eye and all the details started lining up, if this wasn't you I would have linked you here because the coincidence would have been uncanny, I even knew it was a left turn

I think you should be fine as far as anonymity, I don't think any of our friends are big reddit users (super surprised you are) and I'm not going to mention it

I appreciate you saying all of this. There are things I said here that have not been discussed otherwise, I can only imagine the way some people could react to this.

Your'e an awesome dude, and your support means tons to me. The way everyone reacted was a huge relief to me. When I ever go back to visit I will make sure to get a hold of you, your words here mean a lot to me. And if the time ever comes you have all the facts, more than anyone else we know.

I wish you the best, and happy discing.

I'm curious as to how prison and jail went, was is easy or hard to tell people you were there for accidentally killing someone? I know you were driving while intoxicated, and the sentence was fair, but what was it like? What were some of the main things you will never forget about prison or jail?

It wasn't all that bad, the real killer is being away from real world stimulus. County jail is a joke, I was bounced around to 3-4 of them on the way to the prison. We would travel one day to a different jail, spend the night there and pick up more inmates then go on transport the next day. I spent 4 weeks at a prison before we got to the camp, I was equipped with two jump suits, two pairs of bad socks, two pairs of briefs, and an old pair of flip flops. That wouldn't be so bad except it was December and snowed almost everyday, we had to walk to the chow hall, counselling, doctor, etc. Wet feet and sick people everywhere, no heating anywhere.

At the prison camp there were child molesters mixed in with us. So we spent many weeks traveling to different jails, then to the prison where other inmates would join, then finally to the prison camp where they were segregated. Many of your "friends" would suddenly be in a different group from you, then the truth would come out. At the camp there were different barracks, the molesters had their own floor in one of the barracks. I was moved onto that floor, randomly, with two of my friends. At first we were livid but the dorm was very calm, the sexual offenders are always on the verge of getting beat, stabbed, spit on, and are also treated as a "protected species" by the guards. Any act against someone convicted of those crimes could receive an extra charge for a hate crime. I got into a disagreement with one of them during a card game and he never paid me the debts he owed me, we played pinochle for money and he owed me 4 soups. I made it known, as was common, that he didn't pay his debts so then nobody else would allow him on a table until he paid me. One day my locker had been opened but not by me, I had a 'trap' set to tell, my toothbrush had been taken and scraped on something, probably the bathroom floor which is sharp to prevent slipping. I called out the entire floor, I was ready to get another charge, messing with someones hygiene is off limits unless you want a fight. Luckily nothing happened, I went to the Commanding Officer and asked to be moved, I told him I had no sexual offense charge and about my toothbrush. I was moved, along with my two friends, within 20 minutes. Upside was many more pinochle players.

I also was a math teacher/tutor at the prison camp. If you didn't have a GED it was required to get one. This passed the most of my time.

edit: made the content a little clearer. The comment about County Jail being a joke is in reference to the way people/kids acted. Lots of 'tough guys' the guys who had been to prison before liked routine and wanted things calm as much as possible, if there was a difference between two people you either fought it out, talked it out, or avoided each other. The kids loved to shout and have drama all the time. When I first went in I was in a neck brace and completely new to jail, a few old timers helped me out. Gave me a table to eat at, taught me pinochle, introduced me to the people I needed to know, the information I gained from them made my stay much smoother.

...and he owed me 4 soups

I feel stupid for asking this, but it's really bugging me. Is that a slang, or do you actually mean he owed you soup. I couldn't help but laugh at this because it must be one helluva soup. Please don't kill me.

It could be considered slang. Ramens are soups, cheapest way to get more food and a life supply of sodium.

very amusing to read, not amusing as comical, but amusing as enlightening. thank you for responding in such detail, it really helped me to picture exactly what you went through. ive heard from some people that child molesters are the lowest of the low in prison, and that even people who are there for murder and other things basically treat them like shit. interestingly enough, you confirmed that as well.

Sexual offenders have special places to stay in all divisions of jail/prison to keep them safe, SOG sexual offenders group. The saddest part was all the 16-19 year olds that were in consensual relationships with people their age or slightly younger that were listed as sexual offenders. Multiple stories of people being 16 and losing their virginity to a 16 year old GF then her parents find out and press charges. One guy was 16 had a 17 year old GF and she got mad and called the police to report them, when she dropped the charges and told the truth the state picked up the case and charged him anyways. Way fucked up. These kind of cases are easy to find out, almost everyone gets "paper checked" when moving to a new place. If you have a sexual offense or ratted on somebody you were made known to everybody. In that sense it kept everything calm because it was out in the open, you never had to wonder "what did this guy do" someone had seen his paper work and it was known.

on a more off topic question, was there anything you missed technology wise while you faced your sentence? or anything in the outside world that was new and you didnt get to see or try?

Music... I would be lying if I said anything else, I definitely missed being able to watch what I wanted, try the newest toothbrushes (those tiny disposable waterless things looked so damn cool, probably from feeling dirty all the time, jail toothbrushes and toothpaste sucks), and hearing that sweet sound of Against Me! blaring through my headphones. The New York song that Jay-z did came out and was on commercials all the time, I couldn't wait to hear the rest of it. I love to cook, the high calorie, high sugar foods made me miss flavor. When I got to the prison camp I was able to order sardines, I hate sardines, they were the most delicious thing I could get my hands on, and had the highest protein content. Watching things like the ball drop on new years, the super bowl, other sport finals, movies, and knowing my friends and family were watching them too, somewhere else. That is really hard, I cant describe how much a hug means when you haven't had one in a year. That I missed, smart phones and video games had nothing on that.

As someone who's girlfriend was killed by a drunk driver and it's changed my life forever, I want badly to scream at you... Instead I will just say thank you for taking full responsibility for your actions. And please, get your life 100% on track and use this experience to let others know the dangers of drinking and driving. Too many are taken too soon.

Cheers to you, friend.

You have every right to scream at me. Thank you, and I am very very sorry for the pain you were put through.

How fast were you going when you hit the curb? Also, I know you weren't told what the complications involved in her death were exactly, but do you have any more details on the cause of death? If she seemed unscathed and was wearing a helmet, it sounds like something else was playing a role unrelated to the accident.

I was estimated at 30 mph, the speed limit is 35 there I believe. She had some brain bruising from hitting her head, that's all I know of the immediate damage. She later developed pneumonia, her mom has told me it wasn't the way you picture someone in a coma, she was very sick and weak.

Critical care RN here: what almost certainly happened was that the "bruised brain" swelled up; very common in your more severe head injuries. Basically, the brain is knocked around inside the skull.

Unfortunately, brain tissue tends to swell a lot when injured. After a while, it runs out of space in the skull, causing it to basically crush itself.

We manage this by chemically inducing a coma and giving medications to alleviate the swelling. In more severe cases, we may actually remove a portion of the skull to give the brain some space (a craniotomy).

However, we can only do so much. Cerebral edema (brain swelling) usually has a pretty poor prognosis if it gets past a certain point (the point where your brain runs out of room) and at that point pretty severe brain damage is very likely. If it gets too bad, the brain stem is crushed, and that's game over. The rest just depends on luck, doctors and time.

If it makes you feel any better, there was nothing you could have done after the accident to improve the outcome of that kind of injury. Seriously. For what it's worth, she wouldn't have suffered.

Also, the pneumonia was almost certainly caused by the ventilator she would have been on while chemically paralyzed and sedated. Extremely common in ICUs (We call it VAP, short for ventilator-associated pneumonia).

So, there you go.

Thank you so much for making that easy to understand. I really appreciate it.

No questions for you, just want to thank you for posting. I learned my lessons on drunk driving early on, when I was 16, I had one friend killed, one friend kill his passenger, another kill a person sleeping in a house he crashed into - all due to drunk driving. Really made me think how much I'd rather be the guy that died than the drunk idiot behind the wheel. A couple decades later, and I still haven't driven drunk.

Thanks for posting, thanks for your honesty, and I hope you can find a way to be at peace with yourself.

Thank you. My long term plan is to raise awareness, I never paid attention to the school assemblies about drunk driving, kids at that age shouldn't have to go through what I did. It pains me to now notice how hard it is to realize the dangers until after the fact, I'm glad it taught you a lesson without becoming apart of you. Thank you for the kindness.

[deleted]

I'm very sorry for your loss. Thank you for shinning some light on that side of the victim and being understanding. I can't go back and I cant change what I did. I have tried the best I can to be responsible and own up to everything, especially regarding the family. Thank you.

Other than the obvious request for a TL;DR, I only have one question:

How did you cope? It may sound easy to move on to some but I'd love to hear it from your personal point of view.

Thank you.

Well the prison camp was mostly focused on rehabilitating long time drug users and repeat offenders. Nothing specialized in emotional counselling, I thought best thing to do would be to talk about it as much as possible. It was really difficult at first to not break down completely but got better after a few months. Once I got released from prison I moved back to the state I was living in before the accident. In the prison camp we were constantly told there would be counselling offered to us upon our release, there wasn't. I had thousands saved up that I lived off of for a few months, I found a great place around lots of entertainment and drank myself to oblivion. It wasn't uncommon to find myself covered in my own vomit and not remembering walking home. I hated myself and that's all I truly believed in. My current GF who I have been with for two years has shown me love again and stuck with me when she probably shouldn't have. Now I'm happy and have hope. It isn't easy in any sense and some days it comes out of nowhere and cripples my motivation. All and all I'm ok and getting better everyday. Thank you.

Just leading on from the comment on the prison camp, how do you feel about your punishment? Do you think it helped you, and do you think it was the most effective punishment / penalty for your actions?

From your experience do you think more can / should be done to help ex-cons?

Apols if you've answered this elsewhere.

I was sent to the prison camp because I'm not a life long criminal. The judge felt sending me there would be detrimental and the camp at least had structure that allowed me to teach a math class to help guys get their GED, and be outside. The prison environment is completely different from the camp, the camp is a military style rehabilitation prison.

I believe more needs to be done for ex-cons especially education inside the walls. I had the argument today in school about too much money going to prisons for them to have free rent, free food, and free education. While I agree too much money goes towards the prison system, these are people who mostly never got an education. The reason lots of people are in jail is because of a lack of positive support group and education, any money that goes to prisons for education needs to keep going. The cost of the teaching inmates is very little, the teachers were inmates too. There was an actual math teacher that 'ran' the class but once he saw I could teach the class he stopped doing it all together.

Little more on how I was able to teach: We all took education placement tests to determine our rank in certain classes and the threat we posed to others. I scored high enough to be allowed to teach. I also had to do a pre-calculus level math program and maintain an 80%. This was my job, people who didn't graduate high school had to get their GED. Being a teacher was the best job to have. No, we didn't get paid, and being busy was much more important than an extra candy bar.

Are you still drinking?

Yes, casually, not buying a bottle a day and drinking it myself. I am much more conscious now to the way I treat my body. I gained close to 100 pounds after getting released, now I have lost the weight, am healthy and exercise almost daily.

You said you drank heavily prior to the incident and that after jail you're doing better. Do you still drink heavily, and if not, would you say that this tragic event almost changed your life for the better?

I drank very heavily directly after getting released, I hated myself, and I lived across the street from a bar. I drink much much less now. I don't get blackout drunk anymore because I don't hate myself anymore.

This event has changed me drastically, I am twice the man now then I was before. The experience of being in jail/prison and going through the toughest part of my life hardened me and put my life into perspective. I wouldn't like myself if this changed hadn't come, it is unfortunate that for it to happen I had to lose my friend.

Do you think the accident would still have happened had you not been drinking? I'm not a motorcyclist so I have no idea how heavily her moving to the right caused the crash. Do you think that if you were sober you could have averted the crash?

If I say yes it would have happened if I wasn't drinking, I am putting blame on her and not accepting it, that is not right. I had the keys, I made the conscious decision to giver her the helmet, I had the wits and the cash to call a cab. Did she move, yes, was it her fault, no.

What happened with the wedding?

The wedding went on without us. The accident was the week before they actually got married.

Hi. Let me begin by apologizing if my questions have already been asked or answered. Right now I (emotionally) can't read all of the comments.

A little over two years ago my six-year-old daughter was killed. She was riding her bike and someone didn't look when they were backing up from a driveway. It was instant, but she was not declared until she was at the hospital.

There is some question as to who was driving, whether it was the mother or the 15-year-old daughter with a driving permit. But in my mind, it doesn't matter. I know it was an accident and was not intentional on their part.

OK, this is where the weird part comes in. I do not know what either of them look like, even though #1: we live in a small town, and #2: they were at the scene. (So was I, my husband, and my son. It happened 3 houses away from ours and we ran outside to see what all the commotion was. We had no idea.)

What I am trying to say is that I expected them to come up to us. To at least give their condolences. I know that attorneys and insurance companies always advise their clients to never admit guilt, and maybe apologizing could be construed as admitting guilt? Were you advised in this way? (And I realize that yours is different in that you personally knew her, and if you didn't know her family, you at least had knowledge of them.)

And, if it matters, there were no tickets issued and no breathalyzer administered; but I could kind of understand if they didn't talk to us or apologize at the time, just not now after so much time has passed.

I am very sorry for your daughter. Personally I was given a no contact order the morning after the accident, I wasn't to speak to the family or attempt to or the state could press charges. I was told this is common practice whenever anyone is arrested for harming someone like I did. I was very careful in how I worded things on the phone and in my letters and was able to get a message to out to someone who could pass it to their family. It hurt really bad to know that's not the way should have heard from me, it was all I had at the time. Anytime I addressed the courts, regardless of anything my attorney told me, I apologized to the family and never haggled the prosecutors offers. They originally were asking to send me away for 15 years. Once the letter from the victim's family came in the offers were far less, the judge told me that in cases like mine the family's wants are the most important.

I understand how difficult it could be to approach someone, I really couldn't excuse it, personally. I hope the reason why they haven't approached you is because of their own emotional torment, and soon they will be able to face up to their actions. You deserve an apology, I hope you get it.

Again, I am very sorry for your loss.

Thank you for your condolences. Your AMA has made me think about some things in a different way. All of us can say "Well, I would do this", or "They should have done X", but NO ONE actually knows what they would do unless they have to.

I know that on "this side" of things, people will bend over backwards to help in any way they can. From support from family/friends to multiple organizations that specialize in aiding the survivors.....well, you get the point. Have you had emotional support other than people that were close to you before the accident? Have you found any organizations that specifically cater to someone in your situation?

The emotional support I recieved in jail from inmates was the biggest surprise. Immediately after being in jail I was ordered to take group therapy classes for substance abuse. It was the only thing available to get me to speak about my charge. I couldn't get 5 words without losing it, it took me a long time to be able to talk, I had so much anger. Here I was first time in trouble and scared more than I had ever been, sitting next to multiple DUI convictions. I couldn't stop asking "why me?", (before anyone jumps on this, this is not a pitty party, this is how I felt with the circumstances at that time, I never refuted my guilt, not then and not now) a few of the more grounded people there really helped me to accept what had happened, unfortunately they are all back in jail/prison somewhere because their addictions controlled them.

No, I haven't found any organizations, and I'm completely at fault for not doing that. After doing this and reading some of these posts I feel useful again. There is something I have a view on that many others don't, I feel i'm young enough to still connect with school aged kids. Ill get into it right away, I want to do some good, this is the best avenue I have. Thank you very much for your kind words. I hope the best for you.

Did you lose any mutual friends as a result of the accident?

No, everyone was supportive. There were lots of false rumors of her wearing a bicycle helmet, me trying to flee the scene, me not caring for her well being while at the hospital. The mutual friends we had were very close to us, while I know they hated me initially they understood long before I got out.

No questions, just wanted to let you know that I don't think you're a monster. What you did was wrong, but you obviously know it. I was once arrested and blew .279 BAC. I didn't even remember getting in my car. I just woke up in jail. I could have easily killed myself or someone else. I'm not condoning these actions, but I understand the power of booze. I imagine many people who have killed others while drunk driving may have had no idea it even happened. I'm sorry this happened to you OP, and I'm glad your man enough to keep in contact with the victims family and admit your mistakes. Best of luck getting your life on track man.

Thank you.

If you're able to work at all then $108k over 15 years shouldn't be too hard if you save consistently. Inflation is your friend.

(correct me if there is interest)

Edit: Also depends when it happened.

I know it isn't an insurmountable amount, maybe "always be a felon" isn't the best attitude to have towards it. It is a large amount of money and is tough to see past that.

The financial question is simple - $357 per month for 15 years if you earn 6.5% interest over that time.

The financial side is doable - especially if it's automatic.

I think there is 10% interest on it. I honestly try not to think too much about the money. $357 extra bucks a month would be amazing, unfortunately that isn't an option.

This will probably get buried but I felt the need to respond to this AMA.

My step dad went through something very similar. His ex fiance, who was also a mother, was killed in a car crash. They were playing an 18 hole golf game and had a few beers. As they were driving back home, the tire blew out and they smashed into a tree where she was crushed to death.

If it wasn't for his baby daughter he still had to raise, I'm sure he would have killed himself.

The immeasurable amount of pain that he has gone through regarding this and the way he was able to lift himself out of that despair is nothing short of inspiring. People, mistakes are made. No one could have perceived the outcome of OPs decision to get behind the wheel. Granted it shouldn't have happened but how many times have we all looked back and gone, "Fuck. Super glad that choice didn't rear some shitty outcome because it came damn close to that." And without wanting to speak for the OP, I'm sure there were times that he would have loved to trade places. Just like my step dad wanted to. Jail time and fines are shit compared to the emotional hell of costing someone their life. I applaud you for this AMA and I wish you nothing but the best. Good luck to you and your future.

Thank you. And yes, at any point I would have traded places with her.

Have you experienced any PTSD since the accident?

Yes, sometimes when the issue of failure comes about. For example my dad casually told me "I'll never believe your'e a failure" I lost it, it crumbled me to nothing, I cant breath, break out in sweat, cant listen to people talk, its really the worst feeling. The nightmares stopped for a while then would attack me, hence the heavy drinking afterwords. I still have never gotten counselling that I know I needed and still need. When I had the money I was too distraught to spend it wisely, now I don't have the extra money to go.

Man, I was really hoping you'd say "nah, it's alright."

Man, you cant use my favorite gif like that! That is the best and worst thing I could have seen, and the first time it made me cry. His eyes...

Would you say you've changed your outlook on life after this? Like do you appreciate the little things in life more? Sorry about your loss, hope you're okay.

I had a strong change in mind set while I was locked up. I helped to form a non-religious community that gathered daily and discussed everything with a focus on being 'whole'. I am much more centered now in my life and have determination and the focus to attend college and have a great relationship with my GF. I definitely appreciate things much more and have far less hate in my heart. I was a very angry person, prison has an odd way of simmering you down. Sorry if this doesn't answer your question completely. Thank you.

You fucked up, you manned up and took responsibility, you stood up and accepted your punishment, and now youre dealing.

I've been hit by a drunk driver and seriously injured before and yes I was angry at the man for making me spend Christmas in the hospital, but it fucking happens. There's no question as to responsibility but.people pass judgement way to quickly on intent.

Have you visited her grave at all?

Yes, I was only there for a couple days after I got released. I sat there and spoke to her, played her some music and apologized. Anytime I'm in the state I will be visiting her.

-If she was wearing a helmet how was her head injured? Did she fall in an unfortunate way? Did it not fit quite right?

-Did you know much about her condition or was it something you preferred not to know?

-And what are you studying?

The helmet fit fine, possibly a little big if anything. She just hit her head, fell straight back. Not very much road rash on her as far as I could see, I really thought she would just wake up...

Condition? I'm assuming the condition that caused them to induce her. I was never told exactly, just that there were complications and inducing people was common to have better control over the person's body.

I plan to major in Business Management and Accounting. I cant do manual labor as much anymore because of my neck.

Sorry if you answered these, but I couldn't find them.

• How long were you in the camp (I saw 4 weeks in prison, but then transferred)?

• What state?

• How long have you been out?

• Have you lost any mutual friends (friends with you and the deceased)?

I was in the actual camp for 5 months, once I was convicted I was sent on transport. We stopped in every county on the way and picked up more offenders. The large prison was where all the counties offenders would be housed for 4 weeks during the prison intake proceedings, medical tests, mental evaluations, and orientation.

I was locked up in Idaho, home is now California.

I was released in 2010, I was 22 in 2009 when the accident happened, I am now 25.

No, her mother has also been very warm towards me since I got out.