1075
IAmA person who was molested for 5 years straight. 657 charges were just recently brought against my abuser and he is now in jail. AMA
First of all, I'm sure molestation/rape is fairly common on here and I think mine stands out quite a bit. The abuse happened from the time i was 11 until I was 16. I never told a soul until last year, when I was 25. Lucky, the statute of limitations hadn't run out on it yet and I felt I could pursue it. Having two little girls of my own and my mother no longer alive, I felt it was something I had to do for myself. He committed 657 counts of assault on me. Ranging from indecent deviant sexual assault to rape of a minor to simple assault to corruption of a minor and so on. I have moved past this and would like to answer ANY question you want. Morbid curiosity is something natural. Ask me anything at all.
PROOF: newspaper article, article continued, school id
If anyone is interested in reading my victim's impact statement, read on:
Growing up, I watched my friends lead normal lives and be happy, care-free children while I hid behind a wall of shame, guilt and fear. To this day, there is never any freedom for what this man has done to me. A lot of the time I am a shell of a person. I must concentrate so hard and muster up every shred of what’s left of my confidence to live in the world that he has created for me. If not, his face manages to creep up and take over the faces of the people I love. All these years, I have flashbacks when my significant other made love to me because he invaded my thoughts, even at those most precious of times. It has affected every interpersonal relationship I’ve ever had. I had to always be wary on what a man’s intentions were. I was so afraid of being abused that, in the past, I have settled for far less than what I deserved when it came to my love life. I thought so little of myself that I decided I didn’t deserve any better. I still do at times.
I resented a lot of people while I was growing up. Every adult close to me was sort of the enemy. I expected them to help me and though I had never said a word, I had hoped with all my heart that someone would read into my eyes and stop the awful things he was doing to me. I was always afraid to have friends sleep over, for fear that they would be abused as well. I lost a lot of friends as a child because of it. They spread rumors that I didn’t have a house, or that I had lice, or that I was dirty because I would give them crazy excuses so no one would even want to stay at my house. It was a price I willingly paid.
I have nothing to gain here today other than freedom to try and live my life, knowing he cannot hurt me or someone else the way he hurt me. I first saw him again on Facebook. I saw all the little girls he had on his friends list from his area, my area, and I just snapped. I couldn’t live with it any more knowing that he still had the potential to be a dangerous predator. I can make you pay for what you did to me today in court, but more importantly, I am here for all of the possible future victims who you might have found. If I have saved just one child from this, it was all worth it.
I might be able to walk down the street without the fear that he may be lurking somewhere in the shadows, and maybe someday the nightmares will turn into dreams and the fears will turn into comfort. No punishment will truly make it all go away until the day I visit his grave, knowing that he truly could never again harm another innocent child. That is the day I live for. I hope that day happens while he’s in jail. That is my goal here today. Knowing he was in jail until the day he died would be the biggest comfort that I could ask for.
A friend of mine knew years ago that this was happening to me by her own intuitions and my behaviors. I always denied it. She tried to get me to tell but I never did. I couldn’t tell anyone. My reasoning was, why hurt more people with this news? If it was only hurting me, I could deal with it. It would have destroyed my mother and there was no way I could do that. Now, since she’s passed I cannot remain silent any longer. I very often blame myself for others that he may have hurt in the years that I remained silent. I always think that if I would have said something years ago, maybe I could have spared them. Coming here after all these years was devastating for me. I had used the biggest shovels and the strongest dozers to bury all the haunting and degrading feelings that he had created in me. I had to bring them all forward again to remember, to relive and, most of all, to re-suffer.
After 12 years, he managed to do it to me again. Seeing his face in the court brought back a bigger fear than when I was a child. The knowledge that I was now trying to hurt him by telling the truth just about had me walking away because, unlike him, it is not in my nature to hurt someone else. Watching him enter the court, he looked like the monster from my past, waiting to pounce on me at any opportunity. And the question that still remains unanswered and probably will always be is why? Why me? Why won’t he admit to everything he’s done to me? Why is it okay to blame it on being a drunk? Why? I was only a little girl. That one word makes me cry because it makes me think of you and I want nothing more than to forget it ever happened.
I feel so much pity for you, LD. I have a much different view of pedophilia than most. I understand it is an attraction that you can’t help. I think it’s incredibly disgusting, but I understand it. It was the way that you dealt with that attraction that sickens me the most. You had the option to get help. You had the option to NOT do those things to an innocent child. You had the power to teach me love instead of hate. You had the power to learn who I was instead of turning me into someone with no reason of being. You abused that power. You used that power to degrade and brutalize me in the worst ways that I could ever imagine.
I was a child full of love and you stole that from me and turned it into fear. You took something of no value to you but was the very basis of my being. You destroyed it with no regards of consequences to me then or later in life. You took it, though you couldn’t see it yourself. That shows your selfishness and egotism more than anything else. I was too young to protect it and now I cannot find it anymore.
That is what you did when you stole my pride. I know deep down inside of me what kind of person I really am, but who can I trust with such sensitivity after what you did to me? There are no words to truly reflect the pain, the fears and the lifelong scars that you have put me through. If anyone here doubts that they are real, try walking in my shoes for just one day and maybe then you’ll understand better.
I often wonder how far I would have gotten in my life if you had let me grow up normally. I have become overweight, lazy, and unmotivated. I constantly wonder where the drive I had as a child went. I had such dreams, such ambitions. Maybe I would have become a famous lawyer or a well-known doctor. Instead I remain only a glimmer of the person I could have been and all because of the hate and fear of people and the depression and anxiety that you put inside of my heart and in my mind.
Why would a nobody like me even try to be a somebody? You took away my future by killing my childhood. Is there a price attached to someone’s future? The price of my future life is now the price of yours. You will pay for my life with yours, in jail.
The life I have is only a shadow of what it could have been. My fear, anxiety, and depression has stopped me from getting anywhere in my life. My fear of discussing it has stopped me from being free. Hopefully that can change now. That’s all I can hope for. Now maybe I can dictate my own life instead of you. You no longer have power over me. I will continue to try to work through this my entire life and maybe, just maybe, someday I will overcome this and be the person I was meant to be.
EDIT: My daughter has an appointment at 9 am so I need to get to bed. Please leave questions and I will answer them all tomorrow mid-morning. Thank you for all the support! It really means a lot to someone like me. :)
bucknakid14424 karma
Yes, I am. I still have thoughts of it every now and then, but they don't bother me anymore. It's over. It's finally over and I can breathe now. I'm feeling pretty damn good about myself, my choices, and my life at the moment. :)
The_Magnificent35 karma
Do you think this justice enough? Or are you angry with the only 6-15 years?
Personally I feel as if he should be in jail for life.
bucknakid1457 karma
I did what I could. I hoped for more, but am happy with what I got. Hes 60 now, so even 6 years in is gonna seem like a lot at the end of his life.
bucknakid14187 karma
My timeline and testimony. He was home from work every other weekend. He would touch my breasts at least three times during his stay. So, 12 times a month for 4 years straight. Things like that.
justbeingkat126 karma
I have nothing to gain here today other than freedom to try and live my life, knowing he cannot hurt me or someone else the way he hurt me.
This made me cry. I've always regretted not taking the man who abused me, because I know I'm not his only victim--and I know only one of several have come forward (and she's only been granted a restraining order).
Are you doing okay, dear? <3
bucknakid14112 karma
If you can do it, do it. It will be hard, so very hard, but it will feel like an incredible weight is lifted off your shoulders. At least tell SOMEONE. I told not a soul until last year. It's very freeing, even if he doesn't get punished. Word will spread anyway and people will be weary, maybe save a few others from getting hurt. I'm doing much better now. I've really gained a lot of confidence to do this. Standing up and addressing him in the court room was one of the most difficult things I have ever done and I would do it again in a heartbeat. I have found peace and freedom.
andrealeeanne115 karma
As someone who was also molested by a father figure (my actual father, but I didn't see him often) I feel that it affects my relationship with my children. I've made it a point to always ask if I can kiss them or help them wash in the bath (well with my 3 year old at least, my 7 month old is too young still), so that they always understand that their body is their own. I also second guess what is and isn't okay, and if someday I'll become a monster like him.
Do you feel your molestation has affected your relationship with your kids?
bucknakid14116 karma
No, and contrary to what you do, I am very free with them and myself. I walk around naked a lot. I still take baths with my 6 yr old and 4 yr old (they are both girls). I just had the sex talk with my 6 yr old a month ago when she started asking questions. I want to be as open with them as possible so they feel as if they can talk to me about anything. So, hopefully, if this were to ever happen to them, they would tell me.
MrHatebreed73 karma
That's the right way , tell her all "the natural" things about what happens between Men and Women , she doesn't need to know anything about dildos , fetishes , that will come soon enough in this modern interwebs world , but at least then she will have a healthy approach to it . I just want to give you a single advice , as soon as your kid starts expressing emberassement when you see her naked , and you will notice that one day when she doesn't want you to step into the bathroom , that is the moment for you too not to walk in front of her naked anymore. From then on it is the moment where everyone should "enjoy" his privacy . This is very important too.
Glad to hear you still can enjoy your life now . Keep going.
Edit : I am a boy , that's the little difference but i think my 3 sisters did also enjoy their privacy and that's what our mom did , and i think we all have a healthy sexual approach and life now .
bucknakid1443 karma
Yes, I will always respect her privacy. She will not be naked in front of her father any more so I think that time is fast approaching
SBN_Deltrese87 karma
Well shit man, what am I suppose to ask you? You've literally covered everything in your opening post.
Nayko80 karma
Sorry if I missed something if your posts, but did your mom ever find out or even have suspicions?
bucknakid14604 karma
I'm sure she had her suspicions, but never said anything to me or asked me. She didn't find out before she died.
EDIT: And my therapist told me "she knows now", knowing I'm an atheist. I said no, she doesn't, shes fucking dead. She has the nerve to say to me...maybe that's part of your problem, you need to find gawd to help you through this. I said fuck you and got a new therapist.
kimilicious71 karma
I've always wondered, and I know this is probably a weird question, but while you are being abused (the physical act of it) what are you doing/thinking? Are you telling him to stop? Are you crying? Are you just taking it? You said he mostly performed oral on you. Did he intentionally try and make you orgasm? Did you? As a woman, I imagine I would be mortified but receiving oral would make it incredibly hard to "ignore him" or try and pretend it wasn't happening, you know? Sorry if this was too graphic. I am proud of you for bringing him to justice.
bucknakid14118 karma
I was trying to "zone it out" most of the time. He had an authority about him that said to me, don't yell. I was afraid if I would he would hurt me. What he did was uncomfortable, but it didn't usually hurt. It was pleasurable, which I hate to admit. I couldn't help how my body responded. I was young, and a virgin for most of it and didn't know the sensations he was giving me. I said no a few times, but he would just nicely cajole me into it. I knew there was no arguing so I just did what he asked so he would leave me alone. He gave me my first orgasm. I hated it and loved it at the same time. I tried to pretend I was asleep through most of it, but couldn't help but wiggle when I reached orgasm. It was dark and late at night and I was thankful I didn't have to look into his eyes. I hate his eyes. Also, another maybe weird thing, he never ever kissed me. Anywhere. Maybe he was separating himself because he really did care for me but couldn't help himself...maybe he just was a psychopath, I'll never know.
kimilicious39 karma
Thank you for the honest answer. Did you ever find out if he himself was abused as a child? That's usually where it starts.
bucknakid144 karma
Has no effect on my current orgasms. I used to have flashbacks when receiving oral from my SO, but haven't had that lately. I'm really comfortable with my SO and in my own skin now.
TheEmperorsNewHose63 karma
How would you describe your current sex life and general feelings toward sex? Is it something you desire and enjoy? Or is it something your permit and tolerate for the benefit of your partner?
bucknakid1489 karma
No, I love sex. I have been in therapy for years so that I don't get flashbacks from it. Mostly receiving oral. That was the hardest part. That's what he did to me the most. I have moved past it, and I have a healthy (if not maybe too much) sex drive now.
bucknakid14127 karma
Also, during the trial, I had hypersexualization. I wanted it ALL the time. My therapist said that's normal for molestation victims and my SO was very supportive. I think I may also have some small touch of Stockholm's Syndrome. I'm 26 and my SO is 58. BUT, it's one of those things that I won't know if I would have been naturally attracted to older men, or if this abuse made it that way. I have been with men my age also. I wish to believe I fell in love with him because of his intellect and quick wit and sense of humor. I'll never know either way. (It definitely wasn't for money! ..the broke bastard...lol)
bucknakid14117 karma
I was hoping someone would get that :P But seriously, I wore him the fuck out, literally. I wanted it at least twice a day, hes a once a week kinda guy. I think I almost killed him. I just needed to comfort and closeness that sex brought, so he manned up and put out :)
aceoftrachs41 karma
Your SO is 32 years older than you. It's a bit out of the norm, but not unheard of to have such an age discrepancy in a relationship. Is your partner choice in some way, or directly related to the molestation?
bucknakid1455 karma
We met online. Had a "relationship" on there for 8 months before we met. I didn't go out seeking an older man. We were just friends on an online game and got to talking. I fell in love with his mind, not his age or body. He sometimes tells me he feels like a perv or being with someone so much younger, but anyone that knows us, knows I'm the perv. He's from michigan, I'm from PA. He drove down to meet me, went back home for a month, then left with nothing but his truck and his clothes and a toolbox and came to live with me. He left his house (that he owned) and everything else behind and we've been together ever since. More than three years now.
bucknakid14103 karma
Dammit, I was hoping you guys wouldn't ask that! It's just too embarrassing! sigh..It was yoville, a facebook game. :/
dr4m4g33k57 karma
Wow. You have incredible courage to come forward. Props to you for putting your life together after such horrors. I do have a question, and feel free to ignore it if it's too hurtful. Do you have any happy memories of him at all? Times where he wasn't abusing you, but just took you out for ice cream or something?
bucknakid1484 karma
Yea, I do. He wasn't always a monster. And even in between the bad times when he did things to me, he did treat me well. We went four wheeler riding, hunting (yea, I know I should have shot him :P), fishing, camping, movies, etc. I was really into soccer, basketball, and softball. He ever refereed a lot of my soccer games and came to all my game to root for me. He woulda been a great dad if he didn't do those things to me and I think that makes it worse. It was hard to hate him as a child because of how nice he was. It would have made it easier if he was mean.
bucknakid1475 karma
Yes, my stepdad. I kind of did. He had charges brought against him before for this kind of thing. She stood by him while I remained silent. She was always by his side, and yes, that hurt me.
bucknakid1468 karma
:) This is a welcome question through all this, and I thank you immensely! :) Now, you can downvote me because I don't like nor know any of the my little ponies. So I don't have a favorite. My favorite author is Christopher Hitchens, though.
youth_and_whiskey34 karma
I'm so sorry this happened to you, I can't even imagine having to go through that especially from such a young age. Sorry to even make you think about this, but I've always been very curious of the mind of these kinds of the people. While he was abusing you, did he seem to know it was wrong? Did he try to convince you it was all right? Do you have any idea what was going on in his mind at the time? You said that he mostly gave you oral, as if he was trying to please you, maybe in his sick mind, that was his way of making it up to you?
bucknakid1438 karma
No, he didn't even seem paranoid of getting caught. He rarely said anything, just directed me with motions. He was drunk a lot of the time. In the whole time he did things to me, he never once had an orgasm that I know of. But many times he could have came in his pants or in his hand and I would never have known cause I never looked at him or his penis. I saw it one time and freaked and never looked again. At the time I saw it, I didn't know what one looked like and to say I was scared of it is an understatement. I prefer not to delve into his mind.
bucknakid1445 karma
It's hard to choose. I would say after. But not how I viewed myself, how I viewed all men and all adults for a long time afterwards.
bucknakid1431 karma
I don't think I ever blamed myself for the actual abuse. I still blame myself for the kids he hurt while I remained silent. I felt as if I couldn't tell anyone, because they would get hurt too. Family was everything to me.
bucknakid1443 karma
He would want to go to the store or something and he was really nice to me. I would ask to come along. So, he just started hugging me extra long and grabbing my rear end. Then it moved to wrapping his arms the whole way around me and cupping my breasts. Then he would start making me put my hand on him and progressed from there.
bucknakid1447 karma
Yep. Just finished beauty school, in a long term relationship, have two beautiful girls, and just living life. I'm happy. It's made me who I am and although I'm definitely not grateful or thankful for it, it's made me a stronger person.
Chrysoscelis27 karma
I see that you are a proud atheist. At what point did you decide you were an atheist? How has that affected your recovery?
I ask because I'm sure people have pushed religion onto you, claiming numerous benefits. On top of the molestation, I'm sure you've had to endure the social problems associated with not being part of the norm. I keep thinking about the cascading and synergistic effects of being aggravated molested AND being in a category of people that is trusted by the public at the same level of pedophiles. I mean... it's double whammy.
bucknakid1444 karma
OH, it was. My therapist was great, had connections, I felt like she understood me, was totally supportive, was with me through the whole thing. Then she looked down on me after it was over with and I just walked away. I never really "believed" in god, although I was raised methodist. I just never bought it nor understood it. I became an atheist about 3 years ago, because of Dusty Smith. I didn't know what to call myself until then, I had never really even heard the term where I live. The internet is awesome. :)
Chrysoscelis31 karma
I didn't want to say this until after your response, but clearly the trauma didn't drive you to theism, nor was it required to overcome the trauma. Well done. Recovery is so much harder when you can't throw all your troubles on someone else!
bucknakid1445 karma
Damn right it is! And the atheist community I belong to on facebook was very supportive. They really helped me think rationally through it all. I owe them quite a bit of gratitude.
HEROoftheBRINE25 karma
What do you want of him? A lifetime in jail? Capital punishment? Forced to be shoved in a cell with a huge black man names Tyrone while the guards turn their backs? It seems like he took away your life, and everything that you could've made of it. What do you want to happen to him?
Edit Yes, I get that people are calling my comment racist, please, we all get it. By this point you are just beating the dead horse
bucknakid1494 karma
I just want him to stay in jail until he dies so he can't hurt anyone else. I'm not a very vengeful person. Hopefully he gets his "just desserts" in there. Even murderers hate child molesters. :)
TexasRadical8325 karma
So what was the nature of the trial? That is to say, these cases are notoriously hard to prosecute, and with so many years since the offenses, it seems like he has some easy defenses. Were there other survivors who testified, or corroborating physical evidence? Did he admit to it or what? I'm just curious as to how he was convicted.
bucknakid1443 karma
I went to the police and told them everything, they decided to prosecute, even though there was no evidence except my word against his. It was very complicated because the actual date of the abuse was before he was convicted of abusing anyone else. So, they had to go by the laws of that time. He plead no contest, which means he is not admitting or denying the accusations, but the ramifications are the same as a guilty plea. I could have taken him to a full trial, had to testify, had to have the girls testify that he had recently abused, but if I did and lost, he got nothing. He really only got charged with two of the offenses and got 6-15 years. It was all my choice, the DA left it up to me. I did it that way so I could at least put him away for a while and so the other two little girls didn't have to suffer through the trial.
sirchewi33 karma
So the only reason he got convicted of those charges was because he had already had a record of child molestation by the time you brought them up? Im just curious here
bucknakid143 karma
Kind of. He took his punishment. If we would have went through with the trial and he found guilty of that many charges, he would have never gotten out of prison. With him making a plea bargain and taking that deal, he got a lesser sentence. I had a good shot at putting him away forever, I can remember many details about my abuse. But it could have went either way. He chose the lesser time.
TuhHahMiss21 karma
what is the best advice you can give to others giving support to friends who have had similar traumatic experiences? are there key phrases that need to be heard, specific do's or don'ts? i think its great that you've had the strength to post this, thank you.
bucknakid1428 karma
It's not your fault and it's worth it to come out about it and YOU'RE worth it. That it's freeing. Don't feel self-righteous, just confident. There is a big difference. There is always someone to turn to for support. Take advantage of that.
in_to_the_unknown18 karma
What made you want to finally bring him to justice/Why did you wait?
bucknakid1441 karma
His facebook. I just happened upon it one day (and in this state registered sex offenders aren't allowed to have them) and he had tons of little girls on there as friends. That just did me in for some reason. If I KNEW for sure he wasn't hurting anyone else, I could keep quiet and let it go. Since I was pretty damn sure after that that he wasn't I couldn't hold it in anymore. I waited because, in my opinion, it was only hurting me by not telling. If I told, my mother and whole family would go down with it too. Why hurt them as well? But at that time, my mother had passed and I was out on my own and while it still may hurt some, it was worth it to bring him to justice anyway. (and I saved at least two little girls from getting further abused because I did it)
sunflower2417 karma
All sexual offenders reoffend. They are extremely hard to rehabilitate.
TheMightyMush16 karma
Other people think I'm being mean, but you and me, we know. We know.
DrDeath66611 karma
I've always wondered about this. Did you feel any pleasure from any of the encounters? I'm sure most were negative.
monsterinthemirror4 karma
Between the ages of 11-13 I molested 3 girls, and for the past 10 years been slowly torturing myself for it. At the behest of my parents I'm going to get help, but here's my question to you, though you probably won't see it: Do you think things would have been different if it wasn't your stepdad, but someone closer to your age?
bucknakid144 karma
Well, if they were my age, I would have simply said no or told a parent. When it's a parent doing it, it takes that away. He IS the authority figure. Who do I tell that wouldn't get me hurt more? That was the problem.
bucknakid145 karma
None. Since he pleaded no contest and there was no actual trial, they didn't need it.
healthycuriosity3 karma
I am so sorry this happened to you. If you don't mind me asking, did he ever have actual intercourse with you? you said oral and touching and stuff but did he take your virginity too? also, did he ever force you to perform oral on him? I would imagine not because you could have refused or something, but at the same time you said he was very authoritative of you, and maybe you were so scared you felt like you had to? Sorry if it's too personal.
bucknakid145 karma
No, and I didn't even tell the cops this, but he used...other objects on me..
rnw159849 karma
Are you ok?
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