IAmA person who was molested for 5 years straight. 657 charges were just recently brought against my abuser and he is now in jail. AMA
First of all, I'm sure molestation/rape is fairly common on here and I think mine stands out quite a bit. The abuse happened from the time i was 11 until I was 16. I never told a soul until last year, when I was 25. Lucky, the statute of limitations hadn't run out on it yet and I felt I could pursue it. Having two little girls of my own and my mother no longer alive, I felt it was something I had to do for myself. He committed 657 counts of assault on me. Ranging from indecent deviant sexual assault to rape of a minor to simple assault to corruption of a minor and so on. I have moved past this and would like to answer ANY question you want. Morbid curiosity is something natural. Ask me anything at all.
If anyone is interested in reading my victim's impact statement, read on:
Growing up, I watched my friends lead normal lives and be happy, care-free children while I hid behind a wall of shame, guilt and fear. To this day, there is never any freedom for what this man has done to me. A lot of the time I am a shell of a person. I must concentrate so hard and muster up every shred of what’s left of my confidence to live in the world that he has created for me. If not, his face manages to creep up and take over the faces of the people I love. All these years, I have flashbacks when my significant other made love to me because he invaded my thoughts, even at those most precious of times. It has affected every interpersonal relationship I’ve ever had. I had to always be wary on what a man’s intentions were. I was so afraid of being abused that, in the past, I have settled for far less than what I deserved when it came to my love life. I thought so little of myself that I decided I didn’t deserve any better. I still do at times.
I resented a lot of people while I was growing up. Every adult close to me was sort of the enemy. I expected them to help me and though I had never said a word, I had hoped with all my heart that someone would read into my eyes and stop the awful things he was doing to me. I was always afraid to have friends sleep over, for fear that they would be abused as well. I lost a lot of friends as a child because of it. They spread rumors that I didn’t have a house, or that I had lice, or that I was dirty because I would give them crazy excuses so no one would even want to stay at my house. It was a price I willingly paid.
I have nothing to gain here today other than freedom to try and live my life, knowing he cannot hurt me or someone else the way he hurt me. I first saw him again on Facebook. I saw all the little girls he had on his friends list from his area, my area, and I just snapped. I couldn’t live with it any more knowing that he still had the potential to be a dangerous predator. I can make you pay for what you did to me today in court, but more importantly, I am here for all of the possible future victims who you might have found. If I have saved just one child from this, it was all worth it.
I might be able to walk down the street without the fear that he may be lurking somewhere in the shadows, and maybe someday the nightmares will turn into dreams and the fears will turn into comfort. No punishment will truly make it all go away until the day I visit his grave, knowing that he truly could never again harm another innocent child. That is the day I live for. I hope that day happens while he’s in jail. That is my goal here today. Knowing he was in jail until the day he died would be the biggest comfort that I could ask for.
A friend of mine knew years ago that this was happening to me by her own intuitions and my behaviors. I always denied it. She tried to get me to tell but I never did. I couldn’t tell anyone. My reasoning was, why hurt more people with this news? If it was only hurting me, I could deal with it. It would have destroyed my mother and there was no way I could do that. Now, since she’s passed I cannot remain silent any longer. I very often blame myself for others that he may have hurt in the years that I remained silent. I always think that if I would have said something years ago, maybe I could have spared them. Coming here after all these years was devastating for me. I had used the biggest shovels and the strongest dozers to bury all the haunting and degrading feelings that he had created in me. I had to bring them all forward again to remember, to relive and, most of all, to re-suffer.
After 12 years, he managed to do it to me again. Seeing his face in the court brought back a bigger fear than when I was a child. The knowledge that I was now trying to hurt him by telling the truth just about had me walking away because, unlike him, it is not in my nature to hurt someone else. Watching him enter the court, he looked like the monster from my past, waiting to pounce on me at any opportunity. And the question that still remains unanswered and probably will always be is why? Why me? Why won’t he admit to everything he’s done to me? Why is it okay to blame it on being a drunk? Why? I was only a little girl. That one word makes me cry because it makes me think of you and I want nothing more than to forget it ever happened.
I feel so much pity for you, LD. I have a much different view of pedophilia than most. I understand it is an attraction that you can’t help. I think it’s incredibly disgusting, but I understand it. It was the way that you dealt with that attraction that sickens me the most. You had the option to get help. You had the option to NOT do those things to an innocent child. You had the power to teach me love instead of hate. You had the power to learn who I was instead of turning me into someone with no reason of being. You abused that power. You used that power to degrade and brutalize me in the worst ways that I could ever imagine.
I was a child full of love and you stole that from me and turned it into fear. You took something of no value to you but was the very basis of my being. You destroyed it with no regards of consequences to me then or later in life. You took it, though you couldn’t see it yourself. That shows your selfishness and egotism more than anything else. I was too young to protect it and now I cannot find it anymore.
That is what you did when you stole my pride. I know deep down inside of me what kind of person I really am, but who can I trust with such sensitivity after what you did to me? There are no words to truly reflect the pain, the fears and the lifelong scars that you have put me through. If anyone here doubts that they are real, try walking in my shoes for just one day and maybe then you’ll understand better.
I often wonder how far I would have gotten in my life if you had let me grow up normally. I have become overweight, lazy, and unmotivated. I constantly wonder where the drive I had as a child went. I had such dreams, such ambitions. Maybe I would have become a famous lawyer or a well-known doctor. Instead I remain only a glimmer of the person I could have been and all because of the hate and fear of people and the depression and anxiety that you put inside of my heart and in my mind.
Why would a nobody like me even try to be a somebody? You took away my future by killing my childhood. Is there a price attached to someone’s future? The price of my future life is now the price of yours. You will pay for my life with yours, in jail.
The life I have is only a shadow of what it could have been. My fear, anxiety, and depression has stopped me from getting anywhere in my life. My fear of discussing it has stopped me from being free. Hopefully that can change now. That’s all I can hope for. Now maybe I can dictate my own life instead of you. You no longer have power over me. I will continue to try to work through this my entire life and maybe, just maybe, someday I will overcome this and be the person I was meant to be.
EDIT: My daughter has an appointment at 9 am so I need to get to bed. Please leave questions and I will answer them all tomorrow mid-morning. Thank you for all the support! It really means a lot to someone like me. :)