I Am Justin from shitmydadsays

Thanks for having me on here and I hope I answered all your questions. Even you, guy who asked me if I fucked my sister. Even you. I'm off to bed, but thanks again.

So... does your dad really say that shit?

He does. He's a really outspoken guy, as you can tell. Plus, I spend about eight hours a day around him, since he usually hangs out about ten feet from where I work in the house, so, he says a ton of stuff. I just try to pick the best thing he said that day.

You can post more than once a day. It's okay.

Eh, people get so bombarded with tweets, I figure I don't want to bother people more than once a day. Plus, sometimes I'm not around him very much that day, so I don't have anything to post.

I signed up for twitter just to read yours. You are 1/3 of my twitter friends... the other two are Bob Saget and Mike Tyson. Make of that what you will.

That is some choice company.

Does it freak you out to know nearly 450,000 cell phones are going to buzz as soon as you click "submit"?

Whoa. Yes. I hadn't really thought of it like that. I feel like that's the first scene to a Jerry Bruckheimer movie or something.

So, your dad knows you post his random outbursts to half a million people?

He knows, yeah, but he doesn't really get the scope of it. He also doesn't care. I've tried to get him to look at the page, to make sure he doesn't feel like I'm misquoting him. He took one look a few weeks back and just said "Yeah, I said that stuff." Then never looked again.

I just have this image of your dad in my head as a complete badass in everything he does.

His breakfasts consist of two raw eggs with salt and pepper in a drinking glass, don't they?

He eats a ton of bacon. Ungodly amounts.

Nice twats

That just feels weird. But thank you.

so, why LeVar Burton?

You know, when I first signed up to twitter, I accidentally clicked something that signed me up to follow like 20 people I didn't give a shit about. So after I figured out how to unfollow people, I just unfollowed them all until I got to Levar. Then I thought..."What if I only followed Levar Burton." And it's been everything I thought it could be and more.

Do you think your dad would be willing to post an "I am the dad from the shitmydadsays" AMA?

It's pretty hard to get him near the internet. He has a huge fear of it, not joking, because of that fucking Sandra Bullock movie the Net, and some weird report on CNN about identity theft he saw.

How do you feel about being one of the very few who actually contribute entertaining material on Twitter?

You and hellobigfoot are the two places I read most often.

I'm flattered that people think that. I can't really take that much credit because it is just, shit my dad says. In fact, I can't really take ANY credit if we're being completely honest here. Let's not be completely honest though, let's give me some credit.

if you could paint one room in your house....what is your favorite day?

greenursday

"A scar ain't 13 god damned stitches. I'll introduce you to men with REAL scars, then we'll all laugh at your fucking 13 stitches together."

What was your scar from? Does he have any bad ass scars from Vietnam?

We were talking about a scar that I got when I fell head first into a table. Not a shining moment for me.

Fucking tables, always popping up where you least expect them. Tables are the ninjas of furniture.

That just made me laugh pretty hard. Well done.

You are the only good thing about Twitter. I want you and your dad to know that.

I appreciate that. Having been on twitter for a couple months now, I do think there are a few people that are pretty awesome. @paulfeig, and @fireland are both exceptional I think.

How's the book coming along?

I'm actually writing it right now as we speak. it's going to be mostly quotes, with stories here and there from my childhood to now, where my dad has done some crazy shit.

When your book makes it big, are you going to move out, thus ending 'Shit my dad says'?

By the way, my entire family loves the updates. My uncle has decided that he knows your dad.

Yeah, I think I'd have to move out at that point. Otherwise that just makes me a gigantic asshole. Right now I'm hovering around being a sizeable asshole. I'd like to keep that there.

"But remember, it's not the size of the asshole you worry about, it's how much shit comes out of it."

I walked in to that.

Like a fucking table.

Well fucking played.

When can I preorder? When? When?!

I think may of next year. It's going to come out for Father's day.

Could you video/audio record the next shityourdadsays so I can picture the rest of them in the correct voice and accurately laugh my ass off?

He would murder me. Also, I never know when exactly he's going to say something. A lot of stuff he says isn't formed enough to put on twitter, so you'd probably get some meandering rant about Clorox bleach or something. Not sure how entertaining that'd be.

How did the publishing company approach you about the book deal? Did you have any other offers?

An agent approached me. Then I wrote a proposal of what the book would be, and then some publishers bid on it. Then I picked the one I thought would be the best to work with that also had a good bid. I mean, I was basically in disbelief, and still am, that anyone wants to pay me anything. So, after the first bid, I was like "tell them I'll take it!" and my book agent had to tell me to simmer down.

Last question from me...

Any really awesome quotes from your dad that you love but are just too long for twitter?

Yes. There are, and most of those are the ones going in the book. Quotes from my past. I think my favorite one was when I was sixteen and he and he gave me the talk about doing something you love:

“You have to do something you love….Bullshit, you clearly haven’t heard this speech before because you’re working at Mervyn’s.”

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I offered him as much of the book deal money as he wanted. He told me, and, well, I quote "Keep the fucking money. I have my own money. I don't need yours."

Can you prove you're him? (by changing the twitter bio or background maybe)

I just changed it to the cloud background thingy, so, there you go.

Does he have a lawn?

Yes, and actually, he would tell you to get off of it.

"The worst thing you can be is a liar....Okay fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but THEN, number two is liar. Nazi 1, Liar 2"

What is number 3?

I'm not sure. I'd guess for him, number three would be news anchors. He fucking hates news anchors.

Meatball thief.

Fuck, yes, that's DEFINITELY number three.

What does your dad think of your twittering?

He thinks it's, I believe the word he used was "fucking ridiculous." I'm not sure I get the purpose of twitter, so there's no way in hell he does.

so was it the baby that shit, or do you have a big fucking problem?

It actually turned out to be just baby farts.

Is your dad aware that he's being hilarious when he's being hilarious? Fuck, your dad is hilarious. And awesome. Congrats on the book deal and best to you both.

He doesn't think any of this is funny.

Couple more questions: Do you keep your brother's baby's name off the Twitter page for privacy reasons, or does your dad actually say "the baby" or "his baby" in the baby-related quotes? Is he a good grandfather? Does he like being a grandfather?

No, he says "the baby."

Does he call you "The boy"?

No. My brothers do though. I'm the youngest.

How much does he drink?

How much of the shit he says is said while drunk?

Does he tell war stories?

He drinks three fingers of makers mark a night. Never seems drunk. NEVER EVER talks about the war.

re: war.

Have you ever asked/ has he ever said anything about why he won't say anything.

Also: I use twitter for some b.s. self-promotion and to follow similar people and you're the only tweet I enjoy. Keep it up sir.

I've asked, he doesn't want to talk about it. Surprisingly, he doesn't like talking that much, period. It probably seems like he does from the twitter, but he's not a guy who just talks and talks.

Unless you ask him about a story that happened when he was living in the South. Am I right?

Oh, god, yes, he will talk about that all day long.

Damn you for making me get a twitter account... originally it was just to get your "tweets" or whatever they're called on my phone and now my mother added me...

I sincerely, truly, apologize for that.

How is your dad's health? What did he do?

He's pretty healthy I'd say. I'm pretty sure he can still kick my ass, although, that's not saying a whole lot. He was a doctor of Nuclear Medicine, which is basically cancer research.

What does your mum say about it all? I imagine she'd be a pretty cool lady too. I'm a big fan of your twitter :)

My mom is awesome. She's super bad ass and she's basically the only one who can give my dad shit. She thinks its funny, she's got a great sense of humor.

"Don't listen to the pussy side of you when you make a decision. People gravitate towards being a pussy. Remove the pussy, son" I was crying! Your dad reminds me of my dad with the dog ones. Question: Does he give you a lot of shit for still living at home?

He busts my balls, but he's not too bad.

You and your dad are great people. Keep up the good shit!

Thank you, SkullFuck. Thank you.

Does he sound like Frank Costanza? Because he does in my head.

He does not, but a lot of people think that.

What do you do for a living?

I write on the web. I co-founded the site holytaco.com and now currently am trying to undouche-ify maxim.com as their senior editor.

You don't like frosted tips and muscle milk?

That was a question on my application.

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That's still my favorite piece I've ever written on the internet. There was actually a ton of stuff we legally couldn't put in that article, that happened to Noah. Weird stuff. AFF is a strange place.

How do you keep a straight-face? How do you not lose it when he speaks?

Sometimes I laugh, and the few times that's happened he'll say something to the effect of "great, you're going to put that on your little fucking page, aren't you?"

What car does your old man drive?

I think it's a 1987 Lincoln town car. It might be an 88 or an 86, not sure.

What is he like in person to strangers? Can he seem a little bit rude? Is he the type of person who would easily chat with the cashier about something?

People actually think he's pretty charming. He gets along really well with waiters and waitresses. Probably due to the fact that he tips about 35% every time.

Your dad talks and kinda looks like Charles Bukowski. Have you read him? Has your dad read him?

I have, and he has. Although I've never really talked to him about it.

I think a great deal of your success stems from your brilliantly simple and self-explanatory username (which is not to denigrate your AWESOME content in any way.)

Was there a long thought process that went into picking the account name or was it the first thing you tried? What were some others you may have thought of?

Thanks, but that was literally the first thing I wrote. I wasn't thinking anyone would read this, so I just shit out the first thing my fingers typed.

I'm assuming they're having you keep the title for the book deal? I mean, honestly, it markets itself. No need for copy. :)

Thanks for answering!

That was one of the only sort of demands I had. I just wanted it to still be called "Shit My Dad Says."

How did you get the idea to put this on Twitter?

I used to have them as my gchat status, then a couple of my friends thought I should put them on twitter, just to keep a record of them. I thought maybe I'd use them for something later. Gchat doesn't keep a record of your statuses. And then, well, this shit happened.

How often does your dad get together with drinking buddies? Because I imagine that would produce a shitload of quotables right there.

He has one friend, and his one friend is easily as grizzled as he is.

Could you please describe your Dad's voice? I want to make sure I'm reading things in my head with the proper inflections.

He's got a deep, pretty gravely(sp?) voice, with a slight southern twang. He's from kentucky.