I met my wife u/thisisnotmyjob before she started her transition. She and I have been together for over 10 happy years and as of yesterday she finally feels complete. While we're in the hospital, I'd be happy to field any questions you may have about her transition, my experience being married to someone during their transition, or the gender reassigment surgery process itself. We have a lot of info to provide, and I don't mind answering NSFW questions if you've got them!

EDIT: Thank you everyone for your questions, support, and interest! And the gold! Wow, I had no idea this would get so popular. I'm getting really overwhelmed now with everything though, so I'm going to stop commenting. /u/thisisnotmyjob also would like to thank everyone and she's done too.

Comments: 6099 • Responses: 30  • Date: 

Snowbank_Lake2602 karma

So did thisisnotmyjob know she wanted to become a woman when you two met, or did that come later? In other words, did this start out as a homo- or heterosexual relationship?

ashmonster4624 karma

She knew since she was about 6 years old that she wasn't comfortable in a male body. When we met, she told me about it and she started hormones shortly after. To be honest, our relationship hasn't ever been homosexual in nature, since she's always been uncomfortable with her male parts. We haven't actually had sex yet.

mugenhunt2044 karma

Has this changed how you personally identify your sexuality?

ashmonster3951 karma

Actually, no! I identify as bisexual with a female bias, so it works really well for me.

thisisnotmyjob1387 karma

A little bit. I've always thought if myself as asexual but over the years I've grown to love ashmoster.

Christabel1991744 karma

It's been my understanding the asexuals just don't like having sex (or don't find people of either gender attractive?), and not that they are incapable of loving someone. Am I wrong, or did you mean your attitude towards sex changed since you two met?

*sorry if this question is too personal, feel free to ignore it.

ashmonster1008 karma

I think what she means is that because she has a romantic attraction towards me, it's also sexual for her. She's told me numerous times I'm the only person she's ever wanted to have sex with.

matterhorn1914 karma

doesn't sound like there is any sexual attraction if there has been no sexual activity in 10 years. I can understand the aversion to anal, but oral or manual stuff even? Not trying to be mean or anything, but that sounds pretty rough unless you are an asexual which it sounds like you are not.

ashmonster1305 karma

Sorry, I guess I should have been more specific. By no sex, I mean no penetration. We've been very intimate orally and manually.

TimmyTurnersGrandDad1189 karma

How was your experience of being married with u/thisisnotmyjob during her transition?

ashmonster2893 karma

A rollercoaster, but not a scary one. When she first started on hormones, she was an emotional mess for quite some time. As she continued through her transition, it was a challenge to help her keep an optimistic viewpoint about her future and especially to encourage her to be comfortable with her body as it changed. It took a while for her to go out in public presenting as female. Sometimes it took a lot of white lies.

There has been some sexual tension, but not much. Though we haven't had actual sex, we have fun however we can and are very intimate. It's a huge weight lifted for me now that she's had the surgery. I'm almost beside myself because in just a few months we can finally be together in the closest way possible.

Aside from the physical changes, the hormones have really affected her personality. She's still the same goofball but she's more outgoing and less shy. But her anxiety levels have taken off, and it has been the hardest part to adjust to, because I really don't understand it. I think though that the surgery will greatly improve that.

pinstrap969 karma

What are some of the reactions you've gotten from people regarding your situation?

ashmonster1785 karma

Mostly positive! When she came out of work we were really surprised at how wonderful most everyone was about it. There have been some people who can't adjust to the change, they tend to avoid her. One or two keep using her dead name intentionally. But there hasn't been any outright hostility, thankfully.

Strangers for the most part either just assume automatically that she's a girl or they get confused.

BernardoSanders919 karma

In all, how much did you have to pay for this? Congratulations to you both!

ashmonster1347 karma

Her insurance thankfully covered a big chunk of it, but we still had a copay of about $6000 which included the surgeon's costs, anesthesia, and the hospital stay. She needed to get electrolysis to remove hair in her genital region beforehand, and the insurance didn't cover it; that was about $90 per session and she had I think 10 total sessions.

Baby_Rhino679 karma

Why did you have to pay $900 to remove genital hair? Women have that too...

twitch19823179 karma

Not on the insides they don't.

LordBiscuits1577 karma

I'm presuming the electrolysis was to remove the hair from the genital areas which were to be made internal. I can't imagine leaving that there would be a fun day out for anybody

ashmonster1191 karma

Yes, this. Sorry for not clarifying!

Shovelbum26508 karma

Think about it, parts of the body that are on the outside are going to be moved to the inside. Any hair needs to be removed in a way that will ensure it never comes back, or you're going to have problems with infection.

En-Zu352 karma

didn't OP say he was a furry?

ashmonster1613 karma

I'm a furry not a hairy

alexayers315 karma

AFAIK the shaft of the penis is inverted to make the vaginal canal so needs to be hair free before the op & not likely to grow back.

IllegalSuplex786 karma

Guess I won't be finishing this hot dog I just bought for lunch.

Palecrayon1583 karma

just cut it in half and fold it inside the bun

ashmonster1681 karma

after removing all the hair

Sydthebarrett883 karma

Do you ever get/feel negative stigma from family or friends? I know that can somewhat be controversial to some people. (P.S. I think its awesome you two found eachother and are happy! Love is love man)

ashmonster1639 karma

Her mother took a long time to adjust to the change, and she's had other family members who cut her off completely. But for the most part her family, especially her brothers and father, has been very supportive and understanding.

My parents, though they're lesbians, also took some time to adjust to the change. They still sometimes accidentally use her dead name. I think it's more of a generational thing than purposeful ignorance; they're just not used to transgender people. My sister though has been incredibly supportive.

goaheadbackup617 karma

10 years of no sexual activity at all?

EDIT: I wrote this 4 hours ago. she had not stated that she had been raped until after I had posted this.

ashmonster736 karma

I wouldn't say no sexual activity, just no penetration. We are still intimate in other ways.

diegojones4558 karma

Did the hormone therapy really throw her for a loop? What is the recovery time after surgery? What are the legal challenges of the change since you are already married?

BTW, y'all look happy!

ashmonster1029 karma

  1. Yes, definitely. Aside from the emotional wreck that she was when she started, it's really changed the way that she cogitates. She says it's more of an instinctual/emotional thought process instead of thinking more logically. She says "I still think of the shortest most logical path to a solution but now I'm also thinking more about the long-term effects. I'm also far less spacially aware. I used to get to level 12 on Tetris; now I can barely make it past level 6."

  2. In the hospital for 4 days, then four weeks of home recovery which includes doctors visits and dilation and other things.

  3. Thankfully, since we're in California, the domestic partnership that we have is still in effect even after she got her name and gender legally changed. We are getting officially married at the end of this year (she wanted to wait till she was legally a woman).

Thank you!

JibbleSandwiches553 karma

How much of an element of voice therapy was there to the process and how much did she value that as part of her transition?

ashmonster658 karma

We've done a few sessions with a speech therapist but ran out of the funds for it. It is very important to her, though, and we will either continue with the speech therapy or get her vocal feminization surgery if that isn't enough.

Hexaeus446 karma

1.) Considering what kinds of replies you imaginably might get, how much deliberation did the two of you put behind deciding to open up such personal parts of your lives to strangers on the internet?

2.) What was your intention/goal? And do you think you're achieving it?

3.) Congrats :) And thanks for sacrificing your privacy to educate many who wouldn't otherwise look. :D

ashmonster498 karma

  1. Weirdly enough, she was looking forward to doing an AmA after the surgery. She used to be very reserved about being transgender and didn't want people to know, but in the last year or so she's gotten more comfortable with the idea. She also said that she thinks it's very important to get more information out there and answer questions so people can be more accepting of transgender people.

  2. The goal for her was for her outward appearance to match how she feels on the inside, so I think we're set :)

  3. Thank you! Education is very important when it comes to these issues.

AfoolsHope423 karma

Where are you going to put your penis?

ashmonster1233 karma

In her vagina, mostly!

Tianoccio152 karma

They dissect it so that the nerves can be part of the vagina I believe.

ashmonster290 karma

Yeah, without going into the gory details, the glans and other sensitive parts of the penis become donor material for the reconstruction. It's a really fascinating process.

Air_Hellair263 karma

A new friend has as his girlfriend a transsexual woman, born a man. (I'm pretty sure she hasn't had reassignment surgery.)

I like both of them a lot and would like to reassure them that while we may have other differences, their love and her gender status are in no way a barrier to my liking them. Is there anything aside from treating them like my other friends to accomplish that?

lowkeyterrible353 karma

Not op but it's pretty much just that. Treat them the same as you would if your friend was with someone cis. Hang out with them normally, talk to them the same, if you want to know more about their sex life don't ask any questions you wouldn't ask any of your other friends. Just carry on as normal. It's all good :)

ashmonster182 karma

This is good advice!

theartofsnor201 karma

Hello! How does arousal work now for your wife? Will you have to apply lube always or is she now able to produce her own lubricant? Also, congratulations to you both!

ashmonster368 karma

At the moment, her nervous tissue down there is still working on figuring out where all the pieces are, so we're not sure how it works yet. Regarding lubricant, we actually won't know until we can have sex. Some women who get the operation are able to self-lubricate, others aren't. If she's the latter, we're investing in a party pump and 50 gallon drum.

MisterB78144 karma

So obviously healing comes first, but once that is done are you excited to explore your new sexual relationship? Nervous about it? I feel like I'd be really afraid of hurting her.

ashmonster33 karma

Very excited!

skoorbevad125 karma

I'm about to ask the dumbest question ever.

When you're a dude, you have hair in places that women don't, or at least not in the same amount of it, anyways. Like arms and chest and things.

So, when you start taking hormones... does your old dude-hair fall out, or do you shave it or something and it doesn't regrow...?

I told you it was stupid.

ashmonster153 karma

Body hair thins out, and in some places disappears, like the chest. Facial hair usually gets really thin and then you can use laser or electrolysis to get the rest of it.

InfiniteRainbow63 karma

Wow! Congratulations on your transition, and on 10 years together! I don't really have a question, but I think I need to ask one so...

What's your favorite taco? (I swear I'm actually curious, no innuendo intended but I don't know how to word this any better way.)

ashmonster255 karma

Also no innuendo, but fish tacos are the best. Barring that, lengua.

On a side note, her operation was yesterday so of course we called it Taco Tuesday haha

epazur45 karma

Do you think that deep down inside either of you might miss her weiner a little bit?

ashmonster103 karma

Nope! We're both glad it's gone. It was an endless source of anxiety for her and now we'll actually be able to have real sex with each other.

peeglit25 karma


ashmonster50 karma

Heck yes! We plan on adopting once I've started on my career.

williamJE23 karma

Have either of you had sex at all outside of your relationship?

ashmonster23 karma

I have, before we were together. She hasn't.