I am in the hospital with my wife of 10 years who has just gotten her gender reassignment surgery. AMA!

So did thisisnotmyjob know she wanted to become a woman when you two met, or did that come later? In other words, did this start out as a homo- or heterosexual relationship?

She knew since she was about 6 years old that she wasn't comfortable in a male body. When we met, she told me about it and she started hormones shortly after. To be honest, our relationship hasn't ever been homosexual in nature, since she's always been uncomfortable with her male parts. We haven't actually had sex yet.

Has this changed how you personally identify your sexuality?

Actually, no! I identify as bisexual with a female bias, so it works really well for me.

A little bit. I've always thought if myself as asexual but over the years I've grown to love ashmoster.

It's been my understanding the asexuals just don't like having sex (or don't find people of either gender attractive?), and not that they are incapable of loving someone. Am I wrong, or did you mean your attitude towards sex changed since you two met?

*sorry if this question is too personal, feel free to ignore it.

I think what she means is that because she has a romantic attraction towards me, it's also sexual for her. She's told me numerous times I'm the only person she's ever wanted to have sex with.

doesn't sound like there is any sexual attraction if there has been no sexual activity in 10 years. I can understand the aversion to anal, but oral or manual stuff even? Not trying to be mean or anything, but that sounds pretty rough unless you are an asexual which it sounds like you are not.

Sorry, I guess I should have been more specific. By no sex, I mean no penetration. We've been very intimate orally and manually.

How was your experience of being married with u/thisisnotmyjob during her transition?

A rollercoaster, but not a scary one. When she first started on hormones, she was an emotional mess for quite some time. As she continued through her transition, it was a challenge to help her keep an optimistic viewpoint about her future and especially to encourage her to be comfortable with her body as it changed. It took a while for her to go out in public presenting as female. Sometimes it took a lot of white lies.

There has been some sexual tension, but not much. Though we haven't had actual sex, we have fun however we can and are very intimate. It's a huge weight lifted for me now that she's had the surgery. I'm almost beside myself because in just a few months we can finally be together in the closest way possible.

Aside from the physical changes, the hormones have really affected her personality. She's still the same goofball but she's more outgoing and less shy. But her anxiety levels have taken off, and it has been the hardest part to adjust to, because I really don't understand it. I think though that the surgery will greatly improve that.

What are some of the reactions you've gotten from people regarding your situation?

Mostly positive! When she came out of work we were really surprised at how wonderful most everyone was about it. There have been some people who can't adjust to the change, they tend to avoid her. One or two keep using her dead name intentionally. But there hasn't been any outright hostility, thankfully.

Strangers for the most part either just assume automatically that she's a girl or they get confused.

In all, how much did you have to pay for this? Congratulations to you both!

Her insurance thankfully covered a big chunk of it, but we still had a copay of about $6000 which included the surgeon's costs, anesthesia, and the hospital stay. She needed to get electrolysis to remove hair in her genital region beforehand, and the insurance didn't cover it; that was about $90 per session and she had I think 10 total sessions.

Why did you have to pay $900 to remove genital hair? Women have that too...

Not on the insides they don't.

I'm presuming the electrolysis was to remove the hair from the genital areas which were to be made internal. I can't imagine leaving that there would be a fun day out for anybody

Yes, this. Sorry for not clarifying!

Think about it, parts of the body that are on the outside are going to be moved to the inside. Any hair needs to be removed in a way that will ensure it never comes back, or you're going to have problems with infection.

didn't OP say he was a furry?

I'm a furry not a hairy

AFAIK the shaft of the penis is inverted to make the vaginal canal so needs to be hair free before the op & not likely to grow back.

Guess I won't be finishing this hot dog I just bought for lunch.

just cut it in half and fold it inside the bun

after removing all the hair

Do you ever get/feel negative stigma from family or friends? I know that can somewhat be controversial to some people. (P.S. I think its awesome you two found eachother and are happy! Love is love man)

Her mother took a long time to adjust to the change, and she's had other family members who cut her off completely. But for the most part her family, especially her brothers and father, has been very supportive and understanding.

My parents, though they're lesbians, also took some time to adjust to the change. They still sometimes accidentally use her dead name. I think it's more of a generational thing than purposeful ignorance; they're just not used to transgender people. My sister though has been incredibly supportive.

10 years of no sexual activity at all?

EDIT: I wrote this 4 hours ago. she had not stated that she had been raped until after I had posted this.

I wouldn't say no sexual activity, just no penetration. We are still intimate in other ways.

Did the hormone therapy really throw her for a loop? What is the recovery time after surgery? What are the legal challenges of the change since you are already married?

BTW, y'all look happy!

1. Yes, definitely. Aside from the emotional wreck that she was when she started, it's really changed the way that she cogitates. She says it's more of an instinctual/emotional thought process instead of thinking more logically. She says "I still think of the shortest most logical path to a solution but now I'm also thinking more about the long-term effects. I'm also far less spacially aware. I used to get to level 12 on Tetris; now I can barely make it past level 6."

2. In the hospital for 4 days, then four weeks of home recovery which includes doctors visits and dilation and other things.

3. Thankfully, since we're in California, the domestic partnership that we have is still in effect even after she got her name and gender legally changed. We are getting officially married at the end of this year (she wanted to wait till she was legally a woman).

Thank you!

How much of an element of voice therapy was there to the process and how much did she value that as part of her transition?

We've done a few sessions with a speech therapist but ran out of the funds for it. It is very important to her, though, and we will either continue with the speech therapy or get her vocal feminization surgery if that isn't enough.

1.) Considering what kinds of replies you imaginably might get, how much deliberation did the two of you put behind deciding to open up such personal parts of your lives to strangers on the internet?

2.) What was your intention/goal? And do you think you're achieving it?

3.) Congrats :) And thanks for sacrificing your privacy to educate many who wouldn't otherwise look. :D

1. Weirdly enough, she was looking forward to doing an AmA after the surgery. She used to be very reserved about being transgender and didn't want people to know, but in the last year or so she's gotten more comfortable with the idea. She also said that she thinks it's very important to get more information out there and answer questions so people can be more accepting of transgender people.

2. The goal for her was for her outward appearance to match how she feels on the inside, so I think we're set :)

3. Thank you! Education is very important when it comes to these issues.

Where are you going to put your penis?

In her vagina, mostly!

They dissect it so that the nerves can be part of the vagina I believe.

Yeah, without going into the gory details, the glans and other sensitive parts of the penis become donor material for the reconstruction. It's a really fascinating process.

A new friend has as his girlfriend a transsexual woman, born a man. (I'm pretty sure she hasn't had reassignment surgery.)

I like both of them a lot and would like to reassure them that while we may have other differences, their love and her gender status are in no way a barrier to my liking them. Is there anything aside from treating them like my other friends to accomplish that?

Not op but it's pretty much just that. Treat them the same as you would if your friend was with someone cis. Hang out with them normally, talk to them the same, if you want to know more about their sex life don't ask any questions you wouldn't ask any of your other friends. Just carry on as normal. It's all good :)

This is good advice!

Hello! How does arousal work now for your wife? Will you have to apply lube always or is she now able to produce her own lubricant? Also, congratulations to you both!

At the moment, her nervous tissue down there is still working on figuring out where all the pieces are, so we're not sure how it works yet. Regarding lubricant, we actually won't know until we can have sex. Some women who get the operation are able to self-lubricate, others aren't. If she's the latter, we're investing in a party pump and 50 gallon drum.

So obviously healing comes first, but once that is done are you excited to explore your new sexual relationship? Nervous about it? I feel like I'd be really afraid of hurting her.

Very excited!

I'm about to ask the dumbest question ever.

When you're a dude, you have hair in places that women don't, or at least not in the same amount of it, anyways. Like arms and chest and things.

So, when you start taking hormones... does your old dude-hair fall out, or do you shave it or something and it doesn't regrow...?

I told you it was stupid.

Body hair thins out, and in some places disappears, like the chest. Facial hair usually gets really thin and then you can use laser or electrolysis to get the rest of it.

Wow! Congratulations on your transition, and on 10 years together! I don't really have a question, but I think I need to ask one so...

What's your favorite taco? (I swear I'm actually curious, no innuendo intended but I don't know how to word this any better way.)

Also no innuendo, but fish tacos are the best. Barring that, lengua.

On a side note, her operation was yesterday so of course we called it Taco Tuesday haha

Do you think that deep down inside either of you might miss her weiner a little bit?

Nope! We're both glad it's gone. It was an endless source of anxiety for her and now we'll actually be able to have real sex with each other.

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Heck yes! We plan on adopting once I've started on my career.

Have either of you had sex at all outside of your relationship?

I have, before we were together. She hasn't.