Hey Conan, would you rather have a vagina on your forehead or have a row of penises down your back like a stegosaurus?

Ah, the old classic question. I've always been a penis stegosaurus guy.

However, a close second would be a pterodactyl whose eyes are anuses.

Hi Conan. It's Riley, the intern that you yelled at the other day for eating too many almonds. My question: How much water does it take to produce a single almond?

Riley, I yelled at you because you exceeded my 'one almond an hour' rule. That wastes water (an almond takes 1.1 gallons of water to produce).

How do you still trust Paul Rudd after all these years of Mac and Me clips?

It's like Charlie Brown, Lucy, and the football. I believe in my heart one day he'll do the right thing.

Did the locals in Mexico recognize you as Conando from Noches de Pasion Con Señor O'Brien?

I was surprised how many Mexicans were shouting my name through their car windows. I don't know if they knew who I was before, or were just reading coverage of my visit. I was recognized more there than any other country. Except Finland. Finland's weird.

What are you going to do once your hair starts turning grey?

I started dyeing it when I was 15. So I'm way ahead of the curve. My true hair color is jet black, and my real name is Blaze Falcon (I'm just babbling now).

What has been your favorite game to play on clueless gamer so far, and why?

Witcher 3, because I got to have sex on a unicorn. When that game comes out in VR, you'll never see me again.

Hey Conan, huge fan, who was your favorite character to write for when you worked on the Simpsons?

Mr. Burns. Mr. Burns. Mr. Burns. Mr. Burns. Mr. Burns. (Mr. Burns)

There has been a rise in antimicrobial resistance in recent years due to abuse and overuse of antibiotics. What do you think needs to be done to change this trend? Also, I have a degree in Microbiology and have been applying to state level Epidemiologist positions with no luck. Where should I find good entry level positions in this field that will help bolster my resume and make me a better candidate for these positions?

My father Dr. Thomas F. O'Brien who works at Brigham and Women's hospital in Boston has been working hard on this problem for decades. He's the smartest guy I know. He and his team have been working hard on this serious issue for a long time.

Is there anyone that you havent had a chance to sit down with yet that you would love to have on the show?

My children. Their agents won't call me back.

What does Andy smell like?

Sandalwood and regret.

When will you take Jordan to Italy?

Taking Jordan to Italy is already in the works. We're waiting until it's legal to bring a cyborg into a foreign country.

Hey Conan, I'm allergic to penicillin, clindamycin, and sulfa-based antibiotics. What type of medicine would you recommend for my next infection?

You are very wise to ask me. I'm not a doctor. Next time you're not feeling well just bite into a glow stick and suck it down.

Hi Conan, I've brought a puppet to your studio audience a few times, but the last time Jeff Ross sternly requested I keep it down during the show. Why does Jeff Ross hate puppets?

Jeff Ross was molested by a puppet in 1958. When he testified in court he had to point to a human to show where the puppet touched him.

Whats the most memorable moment you've ever had on your show?

I met my wife while filming a remote on my show. And that's interesting moment #28.

The most interesting moment was a cooking segment with Jerry Orbach.

If you had to pick a successor to your show, who would you pick and why?

Mike Pence.

What was the best thing you ate while down in Mexico?

Nopales. It's cactus with cheese on it. It instantly cured me of my 25 year impotence.

How many four year olds would you kill before they killed you?

I was in this scenario two years ago. I wounded one before nine of them took me down and ripped the flesh from my bones with their baby teeth.

Did anybody in the telenovelas explained you why your character was a cheese seller?

I seriously asked them to explain many times and they never did. I was fervently looking forward to making out with a beautiful Mexican actress and they made me a pompous asexual cheese merchant. I am honestly very angry about this.

Hey Conan, big fan.

How did you become friends with Jack White?

True story: I met Jack and Meg in a bowling alley in Detroit in 1999 while shooting a remote. They were part of a group of people that came over and hung out. Later, they became famous and told me they were part of the group that were chatting and drinking beers all night. I totally lucked out. Since then, I just hang out in bowling alleys looking for future rock stars.

Conan! Boston native here. I want to take my girl out for a real nice dinner to celebrate, anywhere in the Brookline/Boston/Quincy area. What do you suggest? If I can tell her I'm taking her somewhere (even if it's Taco Bell) because Conan Fucking O'Brien suggested it, she'd love it.

Go to Pino's Pizza in Cleveland Circle. There's only two tables but it's the only pizza my family and I eat. I've been going there since elementary school.

Are you okay bud?

Wow. Your friendly, casual demeanor cracked through my cold emotionless exterior. The answer is no. Bud's not okay.

I need to make a monument for my sculpture class. What should I make?

Is it too late to drop the class?

Hi Conan, my left pinky finger has been twitching since midnight and seems to have moved to my buttocks. Any tips?

Without intimate photos it's hard to say. I'll send you some.

What is the origin of the string dance?

I was doing it in the office for a few years and the writers dared me to do it on the air. The rest is history.

What are you listening to lately, favorite new album or something older I should check out?

My son really got me into 21 Pilots other than that my wife and I like to slow dance to John Grisham audio books.

Is a hotdog a sandwich?

Because the bread is connected, and forms a "hinge" if you will, it falls under the "taco" classification. Ergo, hotdogs and tacos are not sandwiches. The pita, however, takes us into strange territory and demands further study.

If you could have anyone from history on your show, who would it be?

Number 1: Flo the Progressive Insurance lady, Number 2: Aristotle

Are you giving up comedy for a career in lucha libre?

When you watch the segment tonight, you'll realize that even when I'm seriously trying to wrestle, I'm still doing comedy.

Does the superhero outfit still fit, and how often do you just wear it around the office?

It does fit. I do not wear it at the office at all; I wear it at home, and to the gym at Venice beach.

Who is your favorite red-head, other than yourself?

Lucille Ball.

Do you ever wish you were an animal instead of a human, and if so which one?

See my previous answer about the penis covered stegosaurus.

What is the hardest you have laughed on the show?

When people like Norm Macdonald, Will Ferrell, Martin Short, Charlene Yi, Kevin Hart, Bill Burr, Sarah Silverman, etc come on, it always makes me laugh.

What is your favorite flavor of Ice Cream?

Cherry Garcia

Do you have to adjust your comedy routine when traveling to a different country (in this case, Mexico) or is comedic timing universal?

Thank you and looking forward to tonight's episode!

That's a great question. What surprised me the most is how little I have to adjust. Especially in Mexico. The Mexican people are really funny and sharp, and they always got the joke instantly - and they weren't afraid to give me a hard time. I'm very comfortable being the underdog when I do remotes, and all the Mexican people I encountered were great and generous improvisors.

Do the drapes match the curtains?

Still no curtains. My dad says it happens for guys at different times.

How is the old time baseball league looking this year?

Thanks for remembering my favorite remote of all time. Sometimes late at night I think about the young woman Nell and how we were supposed to be together but sadly we were born 150 years apart.

Your remotes are probably my favorite thing you do. In the future, would you ever consider doing a travel show? I'd definitely watch that. Thanks for all the laughs.

Great idea. I'd love to do a travel show. In fact, I'm going to go shoot one in Mexico right now. It will air tonight at 10pm on TBS. Look for your name in the credits under "Idea By".

Where to watch #ConanMexico outside of the US: http://teamcoco.com/content/where-to-watch-conan-without-borders-made-in-mexico

All 45 US presidents engage to a fight to the death. Who makes it out alive?

Harry S. Truman. Do not screw with Harry S. Truman.

What was it like playing video games with Tom Brady?

I'm from Boston, and a huge Patriots fan. We had to edit out all the times I tried to kiss him.

What does marshawn lynch smell like?

Skittles, Hennessy and a new born kitten.

Is there ever going to be a beard reprise? I wouldn't be mad about it...

I got a complete 50/50 response on the beard. Half the people loved it, half the people hated it. Since it was my kids who hated it, it had to go. Don't fear, I still keep it in the attic with my wedding dress.

Are we dating?

I think it's time to tell people that yes, we are dating.

How do you keep your hair sooo amazing and perfect?

Mayonnaise, corn starch and embalming fluid. Bake at 125 degrees for 1 hour.

Hi Conan! Thanks for consistently making me laugh out loud. What is your favorite cereal?

It's a tie between Fruit Loops and Cap'n Crunch with Crunchberries

Hey Conan, what's the most difficult part about prepping for a show?

For a show like "Made in Mexico", we really wanted to make sure we struck the right balance between being funny, but also being culturally sensitive and attuned to how people were feeling there. We really did want the star to be the Mexican people, and I feel good about the result.

Hey Conan.

If you could turn into any vegetable at will, what would it be and why?

The Asparagus, because I could change the odor of your urine against your will.

What is your all time favorite book?

The Killer Angels, by Michael Shaara

Will we ever see the Masturbating Bear again?

In 2015, The Masturbating Bear died of autoerotic asphyxiation alone in a Motel 6 in Flagstaff, AZ. He was buried with full military honors.

Thank you for taking your show to Mexico for your travel special. I love the country!

Of the places you visited, what was your favorite? Would you go back to do another episode or for a vacation? What the tastiest meal you had? What is Diego Luna like?

I went to the Trotsky museum; it's the house where Leon Trotsky was murdered with an ice pick. I think it's safe to say that I'm the only late night host to ever go there.

Tequila or Mezcal?

Tequila

Conan, in 40 years time after you stop doing your show, would u consider doing conan travels as a netflix show?

in 40 years time we'll all be brains in jars connected to a giant server. But yes, my brain will travel the world.

Have you received any offers to play professional soccer after your incredible display with Gio Dos Santos?

Thanks for calling that an incredible display. The goal I scored was so incredibly fake that I felt bad for the goalie who had to pretend to miss a ball moving at 2mph.

Hi Conan! Did the trip improve your Spanish? Any new words or phrases you'd love to share?

I honestly think my accent for stronger, and I think if I lived in Mexico City for a while I would get better much faster. My favorite phrase is on the back of a jacket someone gave me; it's "México es Chingón".

Are you secretly in love with Jeff Goldblum?

I don't think I've been very secretive about it. If I cold mate with The Fly, I would.

This is a question for Conanando. I am a 30 year old Hispanic male, about to get married in sept of this year. Any solid suggestions for wedding vows?

If you're future wife is anything like mine she'll insist on taking out the part of the vows where you promise to honor and obey your husband. Try really hard to get that part back in.

How much marijuana do you smoke?

I'm not a big fan of marijuana. My drug of choice is wine, and the cheese popcorn they sell at Whole Foods (Smart Choice White Cheddar Popcorn).

Favorite person you have played guitar with?

It's a tie between Jack White and Springsteen

If your really conan then, what's something only he would know?

I have a scar from an appendectomy on my lower right abdomen. I have three cats named Thor, Maow and Cleo and the only one I like is Thor. My ATM Pin is 1494.

Favourite Beatle?

Liam Cartwright. He played tenor sax with the group, but left for better things in '58.

Do you have any particularly vivid memory of your time at Brookline High School? Warriors rule

My favorite moment was when I threw the big pass that won the game. Or maybe that was Jimmy Hennessey.

Seriously, I went back to Brookline High School about 15 years ago, and it was so much nicer then when I was there. They actually had a sushi bar (not kidding). I felt like I had gone to high school during the Great Depression.

What's your favorite television show?

"Conan: Made in Mexico" (which airs tonight at 10pm on TBS). Aside from that, season two of One Tree Hill. When Peyton hit bottom, I thought my life was over.

Do you plan on traveling all over the world with the Conan Show ?

I'd like to keep this going as long as I can. It's really fun, and at this stage in my career it feels like something new and exciting. I've always loved my job, but the one downside is being in the studio every day. The chance to travel and try my comedy out on people who speak different languages is a great joy.

Is Bill Tull really like that?

Yes, Bill Tull is exactly like that.

What's your favorite key and scale to solo in?

A.

What was it like to speak to former president Vicente Fox and did you take away anything that you weren't expecting from your trip to Mexico?

President Vicente Fox was very funny, and although he was talking about a serious issue, he came prepared almost like a comedian. He entirely caught the spirit of what we were trying to do, and he's a big part of the show.

Craziest moment on the show?

After something like 4500 hours of weird awkward television, I honestly cannot answer that.

Hello Conester, I've been to Mexico many times and it's one of my favorite countries to visit. When you were there, were people really hesitant about Americans?

Absolutely not. The Mexican people were warm, friendly and eager to participate in the show. We spent a week there. I met thousands of people and I never felt the slightest hint of trepidation or hostility.

What is one word you use to describe Timothy Olyphant?

Olyphantastic

Did you bring back any Mexico made items?

I have some great leather "F The Wall" boots from President Vicente Fox, a "México es Chingón" jacket, and a Trostsky keychain.

Hey Conan! I imagine you're a busy guy, but did you ever finally get to meet Forss Fagerstrom?

No, I did not. It's one of the great disappointments of my life.

Flan or creme brûlée?

Neither. I hate a scorched custard.

Hi Conan, how much money did you actually raise in your Wall Piggybank, and what do you plan to do with it (since I know it's not going to Trump's initiative)?

In all honesty, after begging hundreds of Mexicans for donations to the wall, I did not get one single peso.

How is Mike Sweeney still alive? What sort of superfood do you feed him?

Don't make fun of Mike Sweeney - he served our country valiantly during the Korean war. We give Mike Sweeney the same hormones they inject into old Redwoods. Currently there's a branch growing out between his shoulder blades.

ConanMexico How was it working with an all Mexican crew?

Our Mexican crew made this shoot as easy as possible. They were absolutely fantastic. Lalo, our Mexican Director, was perfection. And our Executive Producer Andrea Salas made everything go like clockwork. We've continued to collaborate with them up until 2am last night completing the final edit.

Hey Conan! Love your show! What is your favorite type of bacteria?

I think there's a kind of bacteria they spray on oil spills that turn them into delicious frothy strawberry milkshakes. If that's true, that's my favorite type of bacteria.

Hey Conan -- thanks for doing this! I'm a long-time admirer.

I know you've told a lot of Trump-related jokes, and I've seen comments of people saying you shouldn't make things so political.

Is it important to you to tell those jokes? Do you think humor can change the dynamic in this kind of political atmosphere?

Thanks!

If you look at my show since 1993, I've always made fun of the president. Trump is the president now, and I'm always going to do jokes about him. That said, the overall thrust of our humor has never been overtly political, and I still think of our show as more silly than anything else.