I'm the Brofessor and author of The Swoly Bible. #MASSisinsession – AMA

What's softer - a pillow made of kittens or /r/fitness?

You mean the subreddit that banned our videos for keeping it too fuckin’ real?

Dom, I'm a skinny white dude in my 20s who pre-ordered your book, how will my life change after my mom is done reading it to me because I'm illiterate?

Your life won’t change. It will begin. Welcome to erf.

If I have an irrational hatred of a guy at the gym who is bigger than me, how do I let him know that he is actually smaller than me?

Start a YouTube Channel and savage him endlessly @BradleyMartyn.

My girlfriend of 4 years just asked me to go on a run with her. How should I break up with her?

If you love someone, set them free. Because you ain’t got time for that love shit. You love yourself enough for the both of you. You love her enough for neither of you. So if your GF wants to go for a run, tell her you are also gonna go for a run... through a clan of gym hoes. #CurlsForTheGirls #LoveYourself

When humans evolve to eventually not need legs, what will be your next most ignored muscle group?

None of them. Tho jkapow is right, back is the legs of the upper body, if legs didn’t exist, all the other muscles would get full attention, including back. Legs are communists. Why should the good body parts give up their time for the shitty ones like legs. #MakeTheBodyGreatAgain

I'm too lazy to mix my protein powder with liquid, can I just eat it dry/raw?

I do everything raw. And dry.

Why shouldn't I do legs today?

If you’re typing this, that means you have hands, which means you have arms, which means you should lift arms today. You’re here looking for an excuse I just gave you one.

Hi, does the palpitations I get from my preworkout count as cardio?

Depends. If it’s GNAR PUMP, then yes. If it’s not, you’re gonna die. LEGAL WAIVER: If experiencing heart palpitations from Gnar Pump you are a willing participant in all these fuckin’ gains and cannot sue. - OJ’s Lawyer.

If you could lift with anyone in history, who would it be?

I would lift with my beginner self. Tell that bitch to man up and make gains faster. Give myself all the knowledge I have now. #InsiderTraining

[deleted]

idk , poverty genetics? You can ask him yourself, email him at [email protected]

Why doesn't flexibility mean the ability to flex?

Cuz the dictionary was written by a bunch a frail nerds who want you to believe being small is ok and being big means you’re dumb. Tell that to guy who wrote the Bible. ME. I be re-writing all this literature. I’m coming for you Webster. Call me Earndis Trenandwhey.

I have two questions, Brofessor:

1. Do gyms just let you in to film whenever you want? A bunch of videos seem to be shot at 2AM in a totally empty gym. Alternately, other videos seem to be taken with other gym goers just going about their workout.

2. Has Gian been working out with you? He seemed a bit bigger in a recent video.

1. Some gyms actually let me shoot after hours, and even give me the keys to lock up. Not sure why they trust me. This is like giving the keys to your bar to an alcoholic. He’s never going to leave and bum porn is going to be shot in the back room.

Other times gyms trust me around their members. I don’t know which is worse. Either way I’m gonna film some bum porn.

1. He’s been reading the Swoly Bible. We hold Bible study every fuckin’ day. So yes.

Which brand of squat rack is best for curls?

An occupied one.

How are you able to do this AMA if you can't read?

Gian is reading it to me.

Dear, Brofessor I have naturally big calves, and I get accused of training legs by my other bros. How do I prevent this?

This ain’t the place to be gloating about your calves, bro. Why don’t you go to a feed the kids Reddit and brag about how much food you have? Bronate some of your calf meat to the needy. #SmallCalvesSyndrome

Would you rather fight 1 Dom-sized Bradley Martin or 100 Bradley Martin-sized Doms?

I already fight 100 Bradley Martyn sized Doms everyday. They are called haters.

Will we ever see another "Dom versus" video again? Or have you retired that.

There have been whispers in the night of such a return. You can’t retire greatness.

why do I still not look like you even though I bought one of your 'does your country even lift' tshirts?

User error. No refunds.

How do I nominate The Swoly Bible for the Pulitzer Prize?

By buying ALL the copies. That should do it.

Where's Gian?

Trapped in the computer like Tron. Please help me get him out. I needed a spot for bench yesterday, also the microwave won’t stop beeping.

if gains = food and food costs money, does money=gains? if so why is Bill Gates so small?

Gains = food. Food = money. Money = time. Therefore, gains = time. (AKA time under tension). Bill gates is small because he wastes all his time building computers and other geek shit, lookin' like a 60 year old Richie Rich. If you want to make gains you have to devote ALL your time to gains. This is why fitness is the only thing true lifters do or talk about. Put all your eggs in one basket, then drink them bitches raw. #JackedOfOneTrade

Ass or titties?

REAL TOUGH. For all dudes, since being a horny little cherub, tittiez have been A1. Seeing my first pair of scrambled nipples on Spice Channel was better than any nut. It was like the first time you do coke. So you’re thinking, obviously gotta be a tit guy.

But here’s the catch. A girl with small boobs and a good ass, still looking like a fine ass lady. But a girl with good tits and no ass looks a T-ball player with a rack. You might like tits better but you can’t live without an a$$.

You said in one of your videos that you always wanted a Mclaren, Now that you have one is that it for you on the super car front? or Are you planning to expand your collection?

Is a 315 bench enough for you? Do you want to stop at JUST 22” inch arms? No, you are in this to see how far you can go and how fast you can get there.

Dom my dad has a dadbod and is trying to get into crossfit, what's the fastest way I can leave him?

And I thought my Dad issues were bad. I recommend calling child services, you are clearly being raised in an abusive house hold.

Everyone, please be on the look out for this man, wanted for child endangerment:

http://scontent.cdninstagram.com/t51.2885-15/s480x480/e15/11377814_549389625200117_1747451854_n.jpg?ig_cache_key=OTk1Nzk0NjY1MDY3NTc0Mzk1.2

Whats your opinion on men shaving their chests to show off muscles better? Should it be done?

I’ve always been a supporter in shaving chest hair, especially if you’re Italian like me and your chest hair looks like a Romanian dude’s back if it were a Yak’s stomach. Shaving your chest is great for bringing out your cuts and making your skin look like it’s made out of condoms, BUT the moment you start bulking and gain a little fat your freshly shorn belly will look like a tight bag of rats. IDK man. So when I’m bulking I like to keep a low cut chest hair layer. This will give the appearance of ab shadow, but really it’s just your pubes that grow to your neck. Enjoy.

If you could have anyone voice the audio-book version, who would it be?

Moregain Freeman as Dom Mazzetti.

Which would you rather do...legs or Bradley Martyn?

I just threw up in my mouth and intentionally tried to choke on it...

Who was your real-life brofessor?

MY roommate EG from college. He looked like a mix between a yoked Trey Songz and Jax from Mortal combat. I looked like Luigi if he were made out of pipe cleaners. (Yes, I too, was once small) He saved a skullcrusher from literally crushing my skull, then fed me my first protein shake. I wonder if Zeus’ dad knew he birthed a god...

What face do you make when you nut, but she keeps suckin' ?

https://bodywhat.com/uploads/media/report/0001/09/thumb_8987_report_extra_40f65e3dad2b5d1e3047a2e79ee13e4924fbd2a8.jpeg

What was your writing process like? Have you always been interested in writing?

I wanted to be a writer since high school with my boy Gian. But, as you know, I can’t write. So I became a shouter just like the village lunatic shouting on the street corner about prophecies (BROphecies) that no one believes until they realize they are living it. I always felt I could reach the masses with loud comedy and gunshots. I always felt my biceps too.

Shud I eat the booty?

Probably not, but for some reason you really want to. I mean, it's not the best decision health-wise, but the internet says it's cool and bitches love it. It's like steroids. A man must walk his own path...

...straight to ASS Vegas! Sin City!

Two questions:

1. What did you end up being for Halloween yesterday?

2. Bro, do you even lift?

1. https://www.facebook.com/BroScienceLife/photos/a.452395281503796.1073741825.394865543923437/1129104850499499/?type=3&theater

2. See 1.

How many reps are enough for Jesus?

One more.

Correct. One more. This means your work is never finished. NEVER SATISFIED. STAY HUNGRY. BODY DYSMORPHIA. GAINS!

You can read?

What?

Hi Dom, gym noob here and long time flan

You got me to start lifting a year ago but I'm still new to being the biggest dude in the room everywhere I go.

How do I assert my dominance over my peers without getting violent? I don't know how to fight and will probably lose

Ah yes, a long time "flan," this must mean you are still in the custard phase of your body progression. Worry not, all the answers you seek can be found here: https://www.amazon.com/Swoly-Bible-Bro-Science-Life/dp/0735211124

And here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ARGgOTuSK0

Good Gaining, Young Yogurt Pastry.

How much of your pre workout do I need to take each day to look like you?

You're probably expecting to bait me into selling you some Gnar Pump here. Well I got news for you, it won't work.

You will never look like me by taking Gnar Pump. You're going to need to stack it with The Swoly Bible as well. Both can be found here: https://www.amazon.com/Swoly-Bible-Bro-Science-Life/dp/0735211124