Alrite, I’m Karl Pilkington. Ask me anything.

Is this your real son? Your Son?

Horrible that.

What life lesson have you learnt that everyone should know?

If you put your finger in and out of your ear it makes the sound that Pac Man makes when he's eating.

In a age where literally everyone has a camera in their phones, how is it possible that no one has ever gotten a definitive picture of Suzanne out in public with you somewhere? Not saying she doesn't exist; it is just remarkable that not one picture has surfaced in 15 years.

No one wants her picture.

With the news about the gorilla being shot in the Cincinnati zoo, what is your take on the situation? I miss monkey news.

It annoyed me that. There's only about 700 gorillas in the world and yet there's loads of kids.

Right. That's the hour up. Sorry if I didn't answer your question. I might nip back at various points and answer some when I've got nowt else to do. Cheers for bothering to come here. Enjoy my new book if you get it. See ya.

Hi Karl,

You once said that you disliked making the podcasts because they felt like a waste of time, or that they didn’t fulfil your need for purpose. Just in case you still feel that way about purpose, I hope you realise just how much joy your books, TV shows and podcasts bring to so many people around the world. Whenever I’m having an awful day, I turn straight to one of your shows and I’m instantly smiling again. It’s like magic.
You make people laugh, Karl. You make them happy, and there is no greater legacy a man could ever leave for this planet than that.

Thanks for doing this today, and I can’t wait to read your new book!

Since I have to ask a question: what is your favourite cheese?

Cheers for that. Most people who know me can't be doing with me. I'm glad people liked the podcasts but I don't think we should do anymore. We did enough of them. If we had done anymore they would have just been garbage. Everything has it’s day. Everything has to come to an end. It’s the fact that life comes to an end that makes it worth living. Imagine living forver. It would do my head in.

I used to work in a supermarket, ASDA. It was night shift and really depressing but the only ray of joy was listening to the podcasts. I second this Karl, and if you're reading this...I owe you a pint.

Asda do the best pies. Hollands meat pies. It's the only thing I go in there for.

Hi Karl,

The little Reddit community that loves everything you've done (and that still goes under the name /r/rickygervais) usually debates about what happened between you, Steve and Ricky, as the impression we get is that things are a bit sour, particularly between Ricky and everyone else. What can you tell us about it?

I guess friendships have to end, right?

Thank you for making this AMA. Listening to you gave me a bit of a Manc accent.

Alrite. How’s it going. First answer. We ain’t fallen out but I hardly ever see either of them. Doing the podcasts used to mean we had to meet up but since we knocked them on the head we’ve just been getting on with our own things. Can’t say I’ve missed them that much though to be honest. One of the last times I saw Ricky he farted on my head so I’m not in a rush to meet with him anytime soon. Steve sent me a photo of him the other day and he’s now totally bald! Not sure if he’s ill or he’s shaved it for a part in a film.

Did that even get posted?

Any tips on keeping a happy relationship?

Work away a lot.

Hi karl! Huge fan of everything from xfm to books to moaning of life. When are you gonna make a nature and animal based program? Youve said before youd love to do the attenborough thing, and all your fans would really love watching it! Anyways, hope youre well, and please keep giving us your very enlightened view on life :) from ross!

I couldn't do it. I'd keep stepping in saving animals that are under attack.

Hello Karl, was filming An Idiot Abroad worth it?

I have a lot of memories from those trips and that's what life is about innit. So yeh I suppose it was. Never will like the title though.

Alrite?

Any monkey news knocking about?

Weird, innit?

It is yeh.

Do you ever listen back to the old XFM show? They are very popular, how do you feel about people listening to stuff you were talking about 15 years ago when you thought you were broadcasting to a few hundred people?

I don't get what the fuss was about.

Hi, Karl! Are there any people with any physical deformities that you have discovered recently that has caught your attention, since you are into that kind of stuff? (eg, two headed man, three legged juggler...)

Just that story about the fella who's gonna have his head put on a different body. Full respect if the surgeon pulls that one off. I'm chuffed if I manage to poach an egg without breaking it.

Rockbusters thread!

So, uh, the Jamaican fella, he's doing a bit of gardening an' that but steps on a tool, he steps on a tool and gets hit in the face. What's that all about?

D-rake. Good one that.

D-rake. Good one that.

Considering your assessment of the Alright Wall of China, what would be your pick for the 7 Wonders of the World ?

I don't think there should be any wonders as soon as anything becomes a wonder it tends to get ruined.

What do you think of the immune system?

It still blows my mind.

What's your opinion on the potential manned mission to Mars in 2024? Is it worth it?

You wouldn't get me going. Too much of a change for me that one. I can't handle it when Suzanne buys whole milk instead of semi skinned.

Alrite Karl, how's it going?

A couple of questions for you mate.

1. What was your favourite and worst "weird local food" that you've eaten on your travels?

2. Have you fixed your boiler yet?

Cheers.

The boiler got on my nerves so we moved. It was the easier option.

Worse food was probably that old fish I had in Japan that was 100 years old or something. I don't think they've heard the phrase 'There's plenty more fish in the sea' over there.

On your travels, have you ever met anyone more odd looking than Steve Merchant?

I could do a programme about that. A search for something weirder than Steve. It would run longer than Coronation street as I don't think there's anything out there that is.

Most memorable moments for you on XFM?

Probably almost choking to death when I was having grapes shoved into my mouth to see how many I could fit in. I don't think Terry Wogan ever got to do that.

Why?

Well it was either this or go on Loose Woman.

Hi Karl, how's it going? So, tell me, what was your worst experience on your shows? Thank you so much for doing this, and maybe one day come to Portugal!

Having the shits while sharing a room with five chinese fellas on a boat going down the yangtze river.

Alrite Karl, thanks for doing this AMA and absolutely adore you as a TV personality.

My question is, of all the travelling you've done, seeing places the masses flock to. Is there anywhere in particular that you actually can't get your head round why people love going there and if so, why?

Vegas. I hate everything about it. Everything it's about and the people it attracts. The hotels are too big as well. It took about ten minutes to get from the reception of the hotel to my room. I felt like I should have offered the fella who carried my case a bed for the night it was so far.

Did Aunty Nora ever beat her 5 minute fart record?

She may of done but her hearing isn't as good as it used to be so she probably doesn't know if she has beaten it or not.

Alrite Karl, you've written a lot of books now, have you found its got any easier? How do you keep coming up with ideas?

No it's got harder. This last one was a right pain. I never know if I've written about a thing before or if it's a thought that my brain had just come up with.

Alrite? Did you ever manage to drool yourself dry?

No. I got bored before I went dry. Tellin ya. I could water the garden with my goz.

Hi Karl, What's your favourite story about a monkey?

The one where he worked in a train station. He worked everyday up until he died.

Any future projects you could intrigue us with?

Huge fan of An Idiot Abroad, by the way. No matter how many times I watch it, I find myself laughing hysterically. Cheers.

Nowt going on. I've only just finished this book so not really had time to think about anything.

Hey Karl hows it going mate. Just wanted to know what your favourite biscuits are? cheers.

Changes a lot. Going through a ginger crunch phase at the minute.

alrite karl. now that you've seen the world a bit, do you agree with Steve that travel broadens the mind?

Yeh I think it does.

Karl, what are your thoughts on mineral water?

I don't drink enough of any water. I think the only time I have it is when I'm having headache tablets.

You do a lot of complaining about your various adventures, however you do seem to enjoy some of them. Which would you say has been your favourite?

Being with a man called Daniel who lived without money in Moaning of Life series 1 and being with Rob who dressed up in a rubber woman suit in series 2. Both were really decent blokes.

Hey Karl, If you ruled the world for a year, what would you do to change it?

I'd get rid of bagpipes. Horrible noise. And I'd get rid of Bank Holiday mondays.

Any opinion on the upcoming EU referendum?

Can't make up my mind. It's like I'm doing the Hokey cokey. One day I'm in and then I'm out.

Alrite Karl.

Don't really have a question. Just wondered if there's anything you particularly want to moan about today?

Magazine racks. Get rid of em. Just a little storage area for crap.

How's it going?

You've been a presenter, book writer, radio producer, newspaper boy. but if you could literally pick any job, what would you choose?

Plumber or electrician or some job that you can use yourself in everyday life.

Hi Karl, we know how much Animal Cruelty upsets Ricky, but do you have an opinion on the matter?

Yeh I hate it. No need for it.

Yeh I hate it. No need for it.

Hi Karl,

Have you ever had the urge to recreate the 'loch mess monster'?

Nah. I was proud of that though.

Is there any chance of you taking up more of a presence on Twitter? I know you think it’s daft but it seems like it would be a great format for you to share your nuggets of wisdom with the world in real time. Thanks!

More chance of platting snot.

Alrite Karl,

If you had to give up one of your five senses, which one would it be and why?

Probably sense of touch. I'd say I've experienced touching most stuff I'm ever going to touch in my life.

Karl, is it true you're 3/4ths Puerto Rican?

It's weirder that we all sure 50% same DNA as a banana.

Hi Karl, what would/do you say to people who think your persona is an act?

Not really arsed.

Alright Karl.

How has being on tele changed how people interact with you when you pop to the shops before doing a bit of DIY?

Also is the boiler sorted?

Yeh. It's harder to get money knocked off things now as people think I'm made of money. It's just one of the downsides I suppose. Like a builder having rough hands. Part of the job innit.

If you were a bug what kind is of big would you be?

Peacock Spider.

What's you're favourite thing on toast?

cheese and beans.

Where is one place you would never want to go back?

Also, where would you want to go to again?

Wickwar in the Cotswolds. Suzanne booked a weekend there. There was nowt there and what was there was shut.

can you clear this up for us and remember what the fuck was ricky doing in this clip? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4nuMZfs5l3A

I've no idea. It was over ten years ago.

Small callback to the xfm days..

Are you keeping up with the music nowadays? Any favorite bands?

Nah. Mainly listen to old stuff.

Alrite Karl! Been a big fan for years! Love the Audiobooks. I was wondering, if you were allowed to take one Musical Artist's discography onto a desert island, who would you choose?

Acker Bilk.

Do you prefer Killing of Georgie Part 1 or Part 2?

Part 1. Not sure what Rod was thinking with Part 2. It was always gonna be tough to top part one though.