It's Bryan "The Kid" Callen. AMA!

Hey Bryan, come up on the mic a little bit.

What book has had the biggest impact on your life?

Well, depends on when you're asking.

As a young man, probably THE FOUNTAINHEAD. But now, I'm too old to be influenced. I know where I stand, and I know who I am.

Somebody asked where are the berries:

HAHAHAHA!

Yeah, that was a thing that happened with my wife- I thought she hid the berries, turns out she brought them to school to make a snack for my kid's kindergarten class, so she used all the berries. I thought she hid them from me, so I flipped out. It's a good example of why I'm such an idiot, and why you should not take anything I say seriously.

Do as I say kids! Not as I do!

What are you reading right now?

PS - Your lithe, supple body is an inspiration

Well, I already like that attitude.

Right now, I'm reading a book called THE PEACE TO END ALL PEACE, by David Fromkin, which is a very thick book, about how the Middle East came to be, and why the Middle East is the way it is today. It's a very, very good and important piece of historical work.

Another very important book to read, which I'm re-reading, is called WHY NATIONS FAIL.

There are two books everyone should read: one is GUNS, GERMS & STEEL and the other is the rebuttal to that book, which is WHY NATIONS FAIL. Which will give you an understanding of why some nations are prosperous, while others are not. It's a very important book.

How do I look as good as you when I turn 90?

Well, I would say: Holy Ghost Power (you've got to be one of God's favorites, because he whispers in my ear EVERY Day).

But here's the REAL answer: moderation, and do what you are supposed to do. Listen to that little voice. You'll be a lot less stressed. Most stress comes from the fact that we're lying to ourselves and the people around us. Follow your primal impulse. And realize that there's no escaping plain old death.

Bit Killer Jones, Conversation Strangler Stevens, Mary Stuart Foley, Jason Statham, Morgan Freeman, Caribbean Tiger. Love the Ten Minute Podcast and Fighter and the Kid. Im relistening to all of them right now while waiting for new episodes. So awesome that youre doing this AMA. Few questions:

1. Are there ever times when you or Chris Delia or Will Sasso just don’t really feel like being there and how do you overcome that and still be amusing for 10 minutes?

2. So you get picked on a lot, between the podcasts you participate in (TMP, Fighter and the Kid, JRE). Do you honestly ever get sick of it or end the show thinking ‘yea fuck those guys’? I find myself feeling bad for you sometimes but you seem to just go with it so well.

3. Who would you rather have as a boyfriend: Hector Lombard, Luke Rockhold, Connor McGregor or Urijah Faber?

1.) Life is learning how to overcome that kind of stuff. Life is learning how to make it happen when you don't feel like it. Here's the bottom line - it's easy to be a gentleman when you feel like a gentleman. It's VERY difficult to be a gentleman when you feel like an animal. Character is defined in two words - self-control. So just assume the position in life. If you don't feel like working out in life, assume the position and do it anyway.

2.) Well, it starts with not taking yourself too seriously. I've never taken myself too seriously, which means that there's nothing I'm trying to guard or protect. I'm very honest with who I am, and a lot of times, the criticisms are spot-on. And when my friends are making fun of me, they love me. If it makes people laugh, I like it. Because it means I'm a part of the joke. That's a big thing young people should know - don't take yourself too seriously. Take your JOURNEY seriously, but not yourself. You're just a leaf on a very big tree. And your job should not be being a taker - you should rather be a giver. You should be in a position of service. If you're in a position of service - which means if you wake up in the morning to make people laugh - the special I'm shooting on May 24th is because it's in me and I want to get it out there so I can make people laugh. I'm going to put it out there, and start a whole new hour, and put that out there, you know?

3.) You're driving a very hard bargain! I don't know. I guess - Luke Rockhold is a LOOKER! But you're running a hard bargain man! I'm all kinds of being pulled in different directions! I do know that I have a fantastic hardon right now and I can't explain it!

Why is my partner in crime Brendan Schaub not involved?! He's a looker too!

Are you gay for Joe Rogan?

The answer is a resounding: yes.

In fact, you can say that I produce estrogen every time I'm around Joe.

And my breasts swell.

AND my rear perks!

I loved listening to The Bryan Callen Show, but it seems to have ended…Is it done for good or will we get more episodes eventually?

We're taking a break, because the response to the Fighter & the Kid has been SO overwhelming - it's been so surprising, but we just keep growing by 100,000 listeners a month, it's just been NUTS. We got 1.5 million downloads last month! So it's just been this incredible growth, and I have to dedicate all my attention to that podcast, because it's become a monster. But I will be back on the Bryan Callen show soon.

What was your favorite Mad TV sketch?

Probably... when I played the Terminator, and came back and saved Jesus? Or the Octaroon, where I was 1/8 African-American, and I took offense at all things.

With Anderson Silva and Jon Jones, do you think UFC (and MMA) in general has a PR problem? How long can Ronda and Cain be relied upon as major attractions for the sport? Thanks for taking the time to do an AMA. NOW DANCE POOL BOY!

Alright, so I can't dance because I'm in my car, but I am moving my rump vigorously against my seat.

Now, let me explain the biggest challenge to UFC & MMA: it's very difficult, in that sport, for somebody to be a champion for a long time. And that's because of the injury rate, the evolution of the sport, because the margin for error is so small, it's so taxing on your body. So the biggest challenge for the sport of MMA and especially the UFC is getting people invested - because remember, people invest in PLAYERS. People invest in teams, but people invest in PLAYERS, like Michael Jordan or Derek Jeter. You can identify with that athlete, how great they can be, how many records they can break. The problem with that is a lot of these titles are revolving, or it's really hard to stay on top for a long time. It's also hard to fight more than twice a year, so people have trouble investing in it.

And the UFC has to realize - they are making a collective misstep - their problem is making the UFC the star, and every other sport makes their players the star. People don't identify emotionally with the UFC, they identify emotionally with human beings. You have to create stars in your fight force. Your fighters cannot be treated like so much meat, like a bunch of elephants with a revolving door. Very bad business practice, in my opinion. You have to make stars of your individuals. Now it's not easy to do that, but that's what I think is needed. That's the challenge.

How do you feel that your pronunciation of "moustache" hasn't reached critical mass?

-your fan (singular)

Well, I'm outraged that people don't say mooos-tache.

So I suppose that sometimes things take a while to blossom.

What has been the most awkward moment of your career and why was it the "I think you'd be surprised" podcast with Schaub and Rogan?

The most awkward moment of my career was when I was doing MadTV and I had to wear high-heeled sneakers, a blond wig, and a Speedo, and I was playing a pool boy, and I remember dancing and thinking to myself This is the point of no return. I will never be a serious dramatic actor. I just sold my soul, and it was worth it.

What is your favorite movie and favorite actor of all time?

Well, RAGING BULL - duh.

Robert DeNiro!

But Daniel Day-Lewis is pretty damn good.

Big fan of Fighter and the Kid and 10 Minute Podcast. Two questions, one serious one not so serious.

One podcast I think you talked about being in your late 20's and struggling, what were some of the "a ha" moments that helped you through that period?

And who would win in a fight - you or Brendan Schaub with both hands tied behind his back and hopping on one leg?

I think that some of the "A Ha" moments were knowing that everybody I had looked up to had had those tough moments in their twenties - and the fundamental difference between my 20's and 40's is this. In my 20's, I thought I had to add things to who I was, and in my 40s, it's more what NOT to do - what not to think about, what NOT to say, who not to spend time with , what NOT to worry about. It's the law of subtraction, not of addition. And that's a big, big lesson I learned later in life.

If Brendan Schaub had both hands tied behind his back and hopping on one leg - he's sitting up right next to me - I'd beat the living tar out of him. And BY THE WAY - I want both his legs on the ground, I am going to pepper his face, until that big man falls like a tree!

Best non-fiction and fictional book you have ever read? -I know tough question

The best non-fiction I've read is anything by Joseph Campbell. And probably the best fiction I've ever read was a Pulitzer Prize winning book called INDEPENDENCE DAY by Richard Ford.

what is the most painful thing you've ever experienced (non physically) and how did you manage recovering from it?

The most painful thing I ever experienced, non-physically, was probably realizing that I was not going to be the actor I thought I would be. Hahaha! That's been a long, slow, 20 year realization.

So basically, it's been pain for 20 years.

What percentage of your current income is from fighter and the kid?

It's becoming significant. Probably at least 30%.

Hello Mr. Callen, when exactly did you realize you were turning into ian McKellen?

HA HA HAAAAA!

That just made me laugh out loud.

Do you notice any differences between audiences when you go from city to city?

Yes.

Yes.

HUGE differences.

Miami, which has a lot of Latin people, is always an amazing show. There's something about that culture that is so festive, and celebratory, and they come to laugh. And then you go to other places - which will remain nameless - rich white people are the worst audiences.

I like a lot of color in my audiences. A lot of color.

Hi Bryan! I'm a huge fan of your stand up and an avid listener of the Ten Minute Podcast!

I just have one question - How do you possess that much manliness? TEACH ME YOUR WAYS.

Well, just take my "Man workshop."

OR you can listen to my other podcast, The Fighter & the Kid, and we talk all about being a man. We got about 1.5 million downloads last month, and we cover all things man. It's the best! And you will laugh. We cover all things man, and comedy!

Bryan, do you live hard?

I LIVE HARD!!!!!

I live hard, because I get my protein from Onnit.com! If you wanna live hard, you gotta be hard!

pancakes or waffles?

Crepes.

Use 3 eggs, whole milk, really good flour - and forget about it.

And if you melt the butter the right way, and use real maple syrup, there's nothing better. It's what the French figured out a long time ago.

I LOVE BUTTER! The secret to cooking is butter!

Hi Bryan! Big fan ever since Joe brought you on his podcast back in 2010. The shows you two do together are awesome. One thing I notice when listening to you is the vast amount of knowledge you seem to have for many subjects. I was wondering if you could share a couple of your favorite books?

Well, again, I like reading authors & people who've done a lot more thinking about the big questions than I have. So I like somebody like Joseph Campbell for younger people, because he'll get you started on your way. And I like philosophy - I like Socrates, Plato, Aristotle, and Seneca, and then - to pull it all together - Joseph Campbell.

I know you choose the "Ostrich-e" for your guard animal. If there was a second line of defense, what would it be?

Oh - angry bees.

Hey Bryan, big fan.

One question: how did you get your skin so tight fitting?

Well, I hold my face in a bucket of ice for hours.

And I peel it - I do a lot of skin abrasion, on my own, with sandpaper.

Sometimes I ride a horse at top speed through a swarm of locusts, and all that on my face hurts really badly - but it makes my skin REALLY smooth.

OR - OR - I run through sandstorms.

Which Greek god best embodies the manliness that you display in your stand up?

Huh.

Well, Zeus is the God of Thunder.

I'm probably more like Pan - sort of that permanent erection guy, tiptoeing through the forest.

Recommendations on how to get into the podcasting game?

Well, be interesting.

Immerse yourself in the space. And talk about what YOU think is interesting. Talk to people who are more interesting than you are. And good luck!

Thanks for doing an AMA! I love listening to your podcast and when you are in Joe's as well as your standup. Two questions really.

How does writing sketches compare to writing jokes?

Also do you think some comics are more suited to be watched on television compared to live and vice versa?

There's no answer to the second question. I mean, it just depends. Some comics are better live than on TV. But I'm shooting my second special on May 24th at the Irvine Improv, where you can see me shoot live, and you can tell me if I'm better live or on TV. I want that challenge, I want the answer.

Sketches involve more than one person, they involve characters. Jokes can be solitary sometimes. Again, it depends.

When are you going to start moving a little closer to the mic?

When you stop asking me silly questions.

Even though I #HatechaBryan I kinda 'ppreciatecha. Who's your favorite character from 'Ten Minute Podcast' and why?

Probably Shana.

Bryan, I'm not going to lie - I have no idea who you are.

If I were to watch one thing to best summarize you, what would that be?

I would say listen to - not watch - the Fighter & the Kid. That is me at my best, and that is me at my most authentic.

Thanks for TFATK, really helps me laugh throughout the day.

The big question is, pie or cake? Follow up, why is it pie?

Also why is your favorite Kevin Bacon movie Tremors?

Well, you made my choice FOR me when you said PIE, but it's 100% cake. I like a moist cake.

I'm not a dough eater. One of the reasons I stay so tight, and American, is because i don't eat a lot of sugary, cake-y stuff.

WAIT - I'm gonna say Pie. There's nothing like Banana Cream Pie. It's m'uhfavorite.

Brendan's gonna blow his nose now.

Here you go buddy!

PFFFFFBBBBBBT

The greatest Kevin Bacon is without doubt a movie called DINER.

If you haven't seen DINER - you ain't living.

what do you think of seymour hersh's account of the osama bin laden killing?

It feels like that would be a tough thing to pull off. But i haven't read the account, so I don't know enough about it to comment.

Dogs or cats?

Dogs.

I like jungle cats. I like panthers as a spirit animal.

Hi Bryan, why do you use twitter to watch porn?

Because I like my porn in the palm of my hand. I like it small, I like it small. I like it miniature. So I can barely make out who I'm looking at.

Biggest advantage you feel you have over Big Brown?? Can be to do with anything.

Well, I'm smaller, so I can crawl through narrower tunnels, and hide in smaller compartments.

Who are the top 5 comics currently, in your opinion ?

Top 5 comics:

• Dov Davidoff
• Sebastian Maniscalco
• Bret Ernst
• Iliza Shlesinger
• Kevin Hart

Other podcast recommendations? - i.e. Joe Rogan's Podcast, Tangentially Speaking, Dan Carlin's Hardcore History, The Tim Ferriss Show, RadioLab - am I missing any?

OK, Dan Carlin's should be your #1 no matter what.

RadioLab - 100%.

And of course, Tim Ferriss and Joe Rogan. Those are the four I would recommend.

And the mother of all podcasts is the Figher and the Kid itself. I mean, that would be considered the hog of all podcasts.

Who is better with the ladies? A prime Rogan (circa '95), Big Brown, or The Kid (current)? Big fan, thanks!

Well, you gotta understand that Rogan and Schaub took my workshop back inna day - I have my degree in sexual artistry, I mean, I have my PhD - so I was rated Number One Lover of all time by the International Lovers Association. It was a 10 year study, they looked at everybody, and I guess my love-making is "earth shattering" (that's what THEY said). Apparently when I make love, birds fall from the sky.

So it would be Bryan "The Kid" Callen.

Yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

Not only do I love women, I understand women.

Sounded like you were fascinated with ants on the JRE , why'd you left the field?

Why'd I leave the field of ants? I'm not fascinated with ants. Apparently, though, if you were to kill all the ants of the world, the earth's ecosystem would only last 5 years before it collapsed - that's how integral ants are. And if you were to get rid of people, Mother Nature would flourish. So it seems like ants are more necessary than the 6 billion people on the planet.

SO VIVE LA ANTS!

As they say in French - Vive Les Ants!

Hey Bryan! Just saw you in Portland and thanks again for the bike commute laughter/info. 2parter... *If you could have any guest for your podcast who would it be? *If you could have any (time machine scenario) guest from history for your podcast who would it be?

Well, I just answered that. But I would say probably - in history? It would probably be either the Buddha, or Jesus Christ, I got a lot of questions.

Well... Jesus Christ... I wouldn't mind having Hitler on, so that at the end of the interview, I could drive a stake through his heart to see if he really was a vampire.

I don't think I'd get arrested for killing Hitler. I think I'd get acquitted. I'd be like "Hey Adolf, thanks so much for your time, and let's see how you handle this spike in your heart!"

Who's got a bigger Hog... Schaub, Rogan or yourself?

You know, I've never seen Rogan's. And Schaub, I've not really gotten to know Schaub's hog on a level I'd like to. So I'm just going to assume he's got a nub.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say I dwarf both of them.

I would call mine a hog and I would call theirs piglets.

If you ate yourself would you be twice the size or disappear?

That's a good question.

It's called "autocannibalism."

I think it's been done? I think I'd need a lot of local anesthesia and a saw. And I'd probably need a lot of salt, and meat tenderizer - because I'm so shredded. I had my muscles tested, and they are the same exact consistency as bullmeat.

Bullmeat.

Hey Bryan, I recently saw you in Edmonton and laughed my ass off. My question is regarding comedy clubs dropping the checks during the last 10 min of a show. How much does that affect your closing, and does it happen everywhere, or just here? Also, your thoughts on our city?

I don't notice when they drop checks anymore, because I'm just doing my thing. And I love Edmonton, and I love performing in every city in Canada. I love Canadians - they're smart, they don't take themselves too seriously, they're very polite, and they love to laugh.

Where can I watch your upcoming special?

It's going to be at the Irvine Improv on May 24th - http://irvine.improv.com

It's almost all sold out for tickets - 7 PM and 9:30 PM - there's still tickets left for both, but the 7:30 is almost sold out.