NICK OFFERMAN IN SITU. LET'S RAP.

Hello sir, have you ever considered playing Garfield? You would be perfect for the role imo.

I have not. I am, however, fond of lasagna.

My husband doesn't like to go down on me and it makes me sad. Anything I can say that will encourage him to satisfy me?

Goodbye, selfish asswipe.

Settle an argument for me please. Does fruit belong in beer?

Fruit belongs in still-life paintings. And on friday nights, in the butt.

Mr. Offerman,

Are you accepting any applications right now for personal disciple? I admire all your work and couldn't imagine the chance of being taught anything and everything under your guidance. Thank you so much for doing this AMA. In regards to the disciple thing, can I get an offer, man?

That pun required a great deal of temerity to float. Be ashamed.

What was the funniest scene to film on Parks and Rec? I mean, so funny it needed numerous takes to finally complete.

Chris Pratt trying to pronounce Vladimir Putin. 5 of us could not keep our shit together, as he is a young mage of mirth, with the powers of unraveling. See it in Season 7 gag reel. It is meet that he is entertaining the planet with his face and body and gentle goodness.

Nick, thanks for coming to Auburn University to do stand-up earlier this semester. Can you confirm something about that for me?

At the end of the show you went to both sides of the stage and gave bows. I could swear that during these bows, you noticed my Mouse Rat shirt, made eye contact and gave me a thumbs up. I've bragged about this ever since but all of my friends claim that there's no way I can know for sure if the thumbs up was for me in particular. Can you confirm this?

100%

You have $10 at Taco Bell, what would you get?

out.

Nick Offerman! Big fan, and someone you've motivated to go into woodworking here. A year ago, I lost my best friend in a car accident. We were 18. Could you share some of your manly, calm, and centered wisdom on how you deal with such loss and sorrow?

I have not endured a tragedy such as that, and you have my deepest sympathy. When life kicks me in the bean-bag, I try to do nice things for others, especially making things for people, and it helps. Find productive activities to distract your self from dwelling on the past.

For what reason would you ever consider going vegan?

If I became an asshole of some sort?

If everyone on planet earth were exactly like you, would the world be a better place, or a terrible place? What sort of events would there be? Holidays? Bands?

WE WOULD HAVE ALL PERISHED LONG AGO FROM THE FARTS.

when do you marry someone?

It'll be pretty apparent. Keep an eye out for a person slipping a ring onto your finger and then seeming like they expect a kiss.

Do you like guacamole?

Am I a mammal?

1. Which do you prefer acting in, TV shows or movies?
   
2. Who's your favourite comedian of all time?
   

1) Live Theatre is the top preference. Doing A Confederacy of Dunces at Boston's The Huntington Theater this fall. 2) Her name is my wife.

Batman or Superman? And why is it Captain America?

The Answer is in the name.

What power does your mustache possess?

The power of silence.

What was your favorite scene to record throughout the run of Parks and Rec? That show has left me with so many pleasant memories and I know from Twitter that you and many of your co-stars feel the same way.

All Ron & Tammy episodes plus that crazy episode 4 in Season 7, like a one-act play with myself and Captain Poehler. One of the greatest gifts I have ever had the delight to unwrap.

Hey Nick, what's your favorite kind of pizza?

in my belly.

Where do you bury your gold?

22 degrees NW, 17....wait a second.

My friend told me that Nick Offerman wasn't cool and wouldn't answer my question, how do you feel about that? Do you have any wise (or vulgar) words for my friend?

It is prudent to be circumspect of anything emanating from the cesspool of Hollywood. Nonetheless, your friend sounds like a real ass-hat.

Nick, you seem like a man of exquisite taste. What city has the best BBQ? I'm partial to Memphis, myself.

Such a question is rife with folly. If it is well-prepared BBQ and it is within one's reach, then that is the BEST.

Do you have a carpentry project you're particularly fond of and willing to share?

I reckon Ron's Canoe from the Series finale.

http://offermanwoodshop.com/project/lucky-boy/

Have you ever considered making instruments given your fondness for woodworking. I'd kill for an Offerman guitar or ukulele. Bongos? Dulcimer? hell...ill take a wooden percussion block.

I have made one ukulele with plans for more on my way to guitars.

Hello Nick. We know that you actually are a wood craftsman and that that particular trait in your character Ron Swanson in Parks and Recreation was actually inspired by you. Are there any other traits of Ron that are actually traits of you? Do you love steaks, eggs and bacon and do you drink Lagavulin? Do you hate the government? And can you say anything at all about your role in Fargo Season 2 as Karl Weathers?

Karl Weathers is sexy as shit. Yes I love to consume the comestibles of the gods, but what red-blooded American does not?

What is your advice to everyone out there aspiring to true manhood?

Stand up for your principles. Ignore magazines articles describing "what it takes to be a man". It's about decency and gumption, not guns or muscle.

An ostrich charges you. Your course of action?

Scissor the legs, stun with face-punch, then slap it back to sensibility and ride it to the pub. Enjoy Foster's.

I'm in a job that's "good" for my career, and I'm miserable. How did you justify uprooting your life to pursue acting? The risk of dropping what I'm doing to pursue something else is daunting

why ever spend one more minute in misery. you're feeling froggy, jump.

Nick, I'm a big fan of your role on Parks & Rec as Ron Swanson and I thought American Ham was great. I'm almost 30, have no job and seemingly no future. I have debilitating depression & anxiety. I often think about going to college and pursuing architecture but then lose motivation. You seem to be very wise, any advice or words of motivation you could give me?

Get to work. Find work you love to do, even for free, even if you're just realizing your dreams of architecture with popsicle sticks or toothpicks. Achieving something that makes you feel good about yourself will bear fruit and get you sex.

Hey Nick, huge fan. This one's about facial hair.

So I used to have a beard, but then I fell for a girl who said she liked clean shaven men. So I got rid of it. Months later and I'm babyfaced and alone, but over her. I want to bring the beard back, but my worry is that it'll be forsaken the moment a new girl walks into my life. How should I go about convincing this hypothetical female to see a glorious chin-mane the same way I do?

Love does not rely upon whiskers. Do as you please, be true to yourself, and only then can you be attractive to the type of partner you most desire. If a mate wants you to shave your beard, hand her a Justin Timberlake record, shake her hand, and send her on her way.

Nick, you've clearly demonstrated that you're a very articulate man. What genre of books do you read and what are some of your favorite books?

BOOKS ARE BETTER THAN ALL OTHER FORMS OF WORD DELIVERY. Read Wendell Berry's wisdom on the subject in my interview with him in my new book GUMPTION. It's good, like that. Wendell Berry George Saunders Edward Abbey Michael Pollan Patrick O'Brien C.S. Forster Jim Thompson Donald Westlake Robert Anton Wilson Madeline L'Engle Mark Twain Faulkner Graphic Novels - The Boys - Y The Last Man - Powers - Axe Cop - Neil Gaiman - Watchmen - 100 Bullets - Warren Ellis - Scalped

What's your favorite cut of beef?

CHRISTOPHER PRATT

Hi Nick! I got so excited when I saw that you were doing another AMA that I dropped my phone. Apologies if this is a bit forward, but I absolutely adore you, your work, and the beautiful relationship you and your wife have.

My questions are: -What is your secret to a good relationship? -What has been the greatest challenge you and Megan have faced as a couple? How did you resolve it?

Generic, I know, but I am truly curious. Thanks in advance, sir. Keep being incredible.

Our relationship is very lucky in that we found the right partner with whom we could remain. It started with humor, and it's humor that sustains us, but we are like any couple - we argue about dumb stuff, and the key is to listen to one another and make compromises and let go of "who left the cap off the toothpaste".

Nick, I recently started working for my dad at his real estate firm. He is making me shave my beard away because he claims its gives off an "unprofessional" look..... I'm about to lose my manhood over here. What do you suggest I do to convince him to let me keep my glorious facial hair?

Get another job, or make the sacrifice to work with your Dad. Your manhood is in your carriage and character, not the superficial trappings of whiskers or other such decoration. Plan B - become amazing at selling real estate to bearded people, then grow the beard back as a job requirement and then make your Dad grow one if he wants to stick around at your affluent new firm.

Have you ever had jamon ibérico? If so your thoughts?

THAT IS A MIGHTY SAVOURY HAM OF MEAT.

Nick Offerman,

I have an autographed copy of Paddle Your Own Canoe that I took with me on the high seas while working as a Marine Endangered Species Observer (making sure that whales and turtles didn't get killed by a dredge) last year. It helped me find solace and humor in the cold and frigid New Jersey winter, which was quite necessary at times.

My question: how do you autograph those books? Is there a day or weekend where you just sit down and bang them all out at once? Do you have a stack of books that you knock off every time you leave your house over a period of several months? Or is it a mere stamp that an intern is responsible for?

Although I am woefully behind on my pile of fan mail, I sign books whenever I can. I would never indulge in scurrilous behavior like misrepresenting my own signature with some sort of forgery. I consider a great privilege that anyone would want my signed book, which is why we offer them for cover price at OffermanWoodshop.com

Have you ever brewed your own beer? If so, what was it and how'd it taste?

I have no need, as my younger and superior brother is a brewer at Solemn Oath Brewery in Naperville, Illinois. Their beers are better than most sexual fluids, even. And I've tasted the seed of Groot.

Mr Offerman, what is the largest steak you have eaten, and where did you get it?

Eating large steaks is illogical and unhealthy. I prefer eating steak for the taste, not the surplus. Keen's in NY.

Hey Nick, what's your personal design theory? Do you tend to favor form or function?

FUNCTION. I appreciate that the Craftsman furniture style brandishes the very joinery binding the wooden members to one another as its decoration.

Hi Nick,

I'm a big fan of Parks and Rec, do you have one memory that stands out as one of your favorite moments on the show?

Thanks for the AMA!

It would be hard to beat these 2: - the phone call from Mike Schur telling me I got the job. - saying "thank you" to Leslie in the final episode.

Nick, what is the finest type of wooden barrel used to age whiskey?

The ones that say Lagavulin on the cask end.

Nick,what was your reaction at reading Ron's ending at the table read?

Jus tike reading his beginning. GRATITUDE.

I want to get into woodworking. What project is a good starter project to wet my whistle?

The one you begin now.

Do you have a podcast or someway I can hear your delicious tenor in my car?

As of May 26, TWO audio books for the listening. Great for putting children to sleep...

Hi Nick! My goal in life is to own something you have made from wood. My question is, when you spoon with Rob Delaney are you ever the little spoon?

The spoon has not yet been forged that can hold his stew. One sweet advantage to our couplings is that his body brillo provides a replete exfoliation.

Hello Nick! What would you deem is the biggest success of your life so far?

Hmm, not sure. This IAMA is going pretty great...

If you could choose a role in any long standing movie franchise, what would you choose and why?

James Bond, because sweet tools. Lord of The Rings, because DUH. (Tom Bombadil, please and thank you)(Second choice - Beorn)

Mr. Offerman,

I unsuccessfully attempted to obtain your constructive criticism and/or approval of our Ron Swanson Running Club of Michigan attire for the Mustache Dash Detroit 5k running event last November on Twitter (https://twitter.com/Emulsifide/status/530884221246513153). Will you do me the honor now?

http://i.imgur.com/QeyZdYQ.jpg

I don't read much Twitter. That is an handsome blue, and an accurately rendered hog of a man, flanked by pillars of glory. Make sure you stretch out before cracking the 16 year.

I'm from Wisconsin and just wondering what area your summer vacations were located in? Loved your first book, definitely getting Gumption. Also, have you ever thought of crafting Turkey Calls In Your woodshop?

I will look into turkey calls, as I am unfamiliar, thank you. My fear is that if I make an effective turkey call, the St. Louis Cardinals might gather on my porch?

What's it like to work with Jeff Tweedy? Really enjoyed the video you produced for him.

Keep being awesome!

Jeff is an obvious talent and American rock and roll legend, but he is also sweet as pie, deeply intelligent and gratifyingly wise. Plus he has a face that is really nice for looking at.

What's the best part of writing a book?

Sincerely, transferring thoughts via written language feels rather like a super-power, or at least smacks of sorcery. Writing ideas or jokes that successfully make the leap to be made manifest in the mind of the reader feels pretty terrific. I am grateful for the opportunity to take a swing at that practice.

What scenes from parks and rec stand out in terms of filming? As enjoyable as the show was to watch, it must've been a dream to film. Thanks!

Hard to pick, honestly. The crew was so top-drawer, and the show was made with such love, that every day seemed like a triumph. Except when Gergich was there.

Nick, what advice do you have on staying productive (I am a HUGE procrastinator) and getting up early?

Get to work. Find work that gets you out of bed. If you find what you love to do, you will spring to it. It's a privilege. Read Wendell Berry.

Offerman, I like your style! I teach wood shop to high school kids. Any advice for by budding wood workers?

Take your time and establish a command of fundamentals. Look at lots of research to find styles that inspire. Gary Knox Bennet, JB Blunk, David Nash, Andy Goldsworthy, think outside the box. Master sharpening.

Good evening sir! Quick question for you: Lagavulin, is it the greatest scotch ever or the greatest scotch ever?

Follow up: What would be your second favourite scotch?

We truly live in a time of splendour, if we can ask which fine scotch is the best. If it's whisky and it's in my glass, then it is preferable. That said, I really enjoy: Lagavulin 16 Ardbeg Corryvreckan Ardbeg Uigeadail Caol Ila Oban The Balvenie damn near every flavor Talisker Laphroiag

I just watched your comedy show with your wife the other night in Seattle.

With that in mind, when you dress up like cats and go killing, what kind of cats are you?

Cats who do murder.

Howdy Nick, I love you in Parks & Recs, my question is.. Who had the most profound impact on you growing up?

The women and men of my family. Also the muppets.

Did you use your real penis in the "Cocaine" music video by FIDLAR?

Fake Penis - Real Stream

Hi Nick! I love your work in P&R and saw your standup special. Many chuckles were had, but in watching it, I see you really are a family man. What is your secret to a strong family life?

Loyalty. Love. Compromise. Eat together. Do the dishes.

My friend thinks that steak is an unsatisfying meal. What do I do? Help me Nick Offerman, you're my only hope.

Seek less idiotic friends.