IamA host of Comedy Central's "This Is Not Happening," Ari Shaffir, ask me and my friends anything…

You have GOT to start getting on opie and anthony more. I love it when you go on their show. Your podcast is the shit. Your special is the shit. You're the shit dude.

I wanted to go on this morning to promote all the stories being online now but they're off this week. Those guys are ALWAYS a good time. I love listening to it. And I love, love, love being on it.

I was there when a giant diabetic man barfed egg nog onto another guy's face before running to the bathroom for an insulin shot.

I really do have to go on there again. It's such good fucking radio.

Alright, guys. I'm out. If I talk to Bill Burr, I'll tell him to do one of these.

Hey Ari, so a funny thing happened at the first taping of This Is Not Happening at Cheetah's...

My friends and I went and were nicely intoxicated. Taking our seats we were super blocked in so we ordered many drinks at one time because who knew how long the chick would take to get back from the bar.

After my 5th since we had been seated the warmup guy comes on and starts his spiel about cell phones and everything, but he placed MASSIVE emphasis on going to the bathroom and ruining the shot. He specifically said if you absolutely can't hold it and have to go in the middle of someone's set then just piss yourself.

Well wouldn't you know it, but after many many drinks my body wanted to get rid of them and when I'm drunk enough my body gets to veto and call the shots over everything else. Including my brain. My brain usually tells my body to not piss myself. Not this time.

I don't recall making the actual decision to, but when I let go of those ten used gin and tonics I can't describe the feeling of bliss. It had to be like doing all of the drugs...which is an awesome coincidence because that's EXACTLY when Sean Patton was doing his bit about being all coked up in New Orleans. Every laugh made me pee harder.

So after sitting, drunk, in my own pee for the rest of the taping I got up and shuffled out into the night with everyone else. Instead of rejoining the line with everyone else that had tickets for the second taping it was decided that a night was called and home I went.

BUT, the best part of this whole thing is that during the SECOND show, there is a person in the audience that was sitting in piss.

Tl;dr I drunkenly pissed myself at the first taping of this and someone had to sit in it for the second. (If you happen to read this, I'm really really sorry.)

That's hilarious!

Did I miss this? Shit sorry. Ari is the best!

You're doing great Patton.

Ari, I loved your Amazing Racist stuff. Did you ever have any serious backlash from any of the stunts/pranks like police involvement or lawsuits?

No lawsuits, but my aunt stopped talking to me. So, I guess that was a positive.

Will you, Joey , Bert, and Joe ever do a comedy tour together? I remember Bert tweeting about wanting to tour with you guys in the future...MAKE IT HAPPEN!

Also, who are you picking between Condit-Kampmann and Henderson-Pettis?

Those are both great fights that I will be watching very high. Is that this weekend. I'm guessing Condit by decision or Kampmann by ko, and I want to see Pettis win but Henderson has Jesus in his corner and you can't make Jesus tap. You can only make him constantly hold back our society.

Yeah it's this weekend. I have Condit beating Kampmann. Benson still has nightmares from that devilish showtime kick Pettis landed last time they fought. Maybe Jesus will take the day off on Saturday

The condit fight is tomorrow (wednesday).

On what? FS1?

And Joey and I are going to St. Louis together and Milwaukee together. Oh, and San Francisco together at Cobbs in October.

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I've talked about it before here or there. But it was like I was gone for a long time. I mean a LONG time. Like 8 months. I made new friends and started a new life in the lake behind my childhood home. I mean underwater.

My problems came when I came back to this world and I had to learn how to breathe air again.

What's up, Ari? Big fan of your sense of humor. Did you know that Rogan was going to get on stage and call you up to confront Mencia that night at the Store? And how awesome was it to see him finally get called out like that face to face in front of a group of people?

I knew about 2 minutes before they called me up. I could just tell it was heading that way. One of the greatest nights we've ever had at the Comedy Store. Really brought everybody together.

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I forgot about that! I haven't done it yet, but now that you reminded me I will. I did get my first two New York numbers last week. But that was after shows so it doesn't really count.

You were pretty flirty with Auntie Deloros, it was super cute how giggly you both got after you told her you and Joey think she's hot.

Shut up.

Does Harley Morenstein party too hard?

Harley Morenstein parties the exact right amount. And if you want to know what that amount is, just watch Harley and that's the right amount.

What has been your favorite part about creating Shroomfest other than the trips themselves?

Everybody joining together!

It's such a positive holiday. And no gifts are required.

2014 shroomfest is Aug 9-11 2015 shroomfest is Aug 29-31 2015 shroomfest is July 16-18

Start planning now. Mushrooms last for years in a ziplock in the freezer.

And if you ever wanted to know about shrooms, I wrote a primer for everyone. It's everything you need. http://www.arishaffir.com/shroomfestprimer/

Ari, tell me a story about whores please.

There's one that involves me and Tijuana and Bobby Lee but maybe I'll save that one for the show.

Who would you want for season 2 of This Is Not Happening? What are your all time favorite stories?

Bert Kreischer's Tracy Morgan story Pete Holmes' Amsterdam story Moshe Kasher's shame story Margaret Cho's family story Joe Rogan's Marc Coleman story Bill Burr's road trip story Russell Peter's sex story Marc Maron's Grateful Dead story Steve Agee's Grateful Dead story Anything by Joey Diaz

How do you not get caught giving away edibles and stuff like that during MMA events?!

I think I'm flying under the radar just enough. Also, I'm not selling it. So I think a law enforcement officer could (possibly?) see that I'm just being a drug Robin Hood. And who's gonna arrest Robin Hood. I don't even steal from the rich. I just give away stuff. If anything, they should give me a police escort to my hiding spots.

are you guys going to get a tv deal for this? and what's the next topic for the next show?

TV may be in the future but right now we're just getting ready for another show. Tentative topics right now are Travel/Road and Fights. That may possibly change. I'm thinking of doing fuck stories.

Travel works because Joe Rogan has a great travel story and I really want him to do it for this show.

If Joey reads this tell him I was the kid who snuck backstage Into the green room bathroom at rogans show in Boston. It was great meeting him. Your set was awesome btw I saw you for the first time at Foxwoods and got inspired to get on stage after seeing you perform.

Joey Diaz doesn't know how to read. I thought everybody knew that already. He's just really good at memorizing what people say.

First off, great job on hosting "This is Not Happening", they were a great way to get my friends into some new comedians. Are there any other good storytelling comedians that you can recommend? I'm in the process myself of writing jokes every other day and could use some good examples of how to bring a crafted story to a group of people. Also, I would love to know when and where you're going to be recording season 2 of "This is not Happening". If it's near LA I will gladly cash in a diarrhea excuse at work to come and check out those sets.

Big Jay Oakerson is an amazing storyteller. He lives in New York. Steve Simeone is in LA and he's amazing, too. Those guys really have it down.

Then you also got Jay Larson, Bert Kreischer, (of course) Joey Diaz, and there are more I'm not thinking of.

The next recording is going to be October 1 at Cheetah's in LA on Sunset near Vermont.

Ari! It seems that you're gaining popularity faster and faster. What's it like going from an unknown comic to having a show on comedy central?

It's kind of like when you're in a car and you stop at a rest stop and they have cool old-timey candies like a Zagnut or a Squirrel Nut Zipper. Yeah, like that.

I don't know, man. I just keep trying to write and perform and things will either fall into place or they won't. The joy for me is getting better and creating new pieces. I'll just keep doing that until I run out of money, and then I'll max out my credit cards, and then after that I'll just kill myself. So let's enjoy the ride until then.

Love the podcast and my new skeptic tank shirt. When are you coming back to Ottawa?

Not sure. I went there for 3 years in a row for Bluesfest but they didn't do comedy this year. Which means it's been over a year since I've been there. I should schedule something for the winter.

What separates your show from the rest?

It's degenerate comedians telling stories instead of just some guy. Comics are experienced at self deprecating and we're just funnier. We're just funnier. So you get these interesting stories told by naturally really funny people. Watch the Jon Huck story. The girl in your office would've told that story a lot worse.

Thanks Ari. I have no idea how this is supposed to work. I am an idiot.

You're doing great. Find the question about you and answer them. That's pretty much it. Or just answer some other ones. Who cares, really?

hey ari, just saw this while browsing and had to stop in. you probly dont remember me but last years shroomfest we hung out in montreal and smoked a footlong joint. we were tripping and we went back to chill at your hotel with you and all the other comics. it was such an awesome time for my first trip to montreal, so thank you!

i remember there was a guy there who barely spoke english and started talking about really weird shit, and you had to tell him to get lost eventually. whats the weirdest interaction you've had with a fan/anyone after a show? any strange people that just wouldnt leave you alone? (this question applies to any of the crew)

second question is for ari. ive been listening to alot of your podcasts and standup, im wondering if you have any plans to be back around montreal/east coast in the near future?

also, ill never forget how fucking stupid i sounded when i approached brendon walsh to tell him he had a really good show. i was tripping and i really stumbled over my words. luckily he probly doesnt give a shit or remember that lol.

edit: btw, i saw your video where you offered free rides back to africa. did that guy at the end really fight you or is that staged? dont worry, ill tell no one. if it wasnt staged, did you actually get pretty hurt? what was the damage

I remember that. And I remember that guy. Good times. He was ruining the trip, I couldn't deal with it any more.

And Brendon Walsh was tripping that night, too, so don't worry about it.

When can we get Joey's warrants in Seattle paid off?

I would love that. But I don't know when it'll happen. I think he still has to do anger management or something stupid like that. After 20 years. Ridiculous.

What made you move across the country? Doesn't it suck not having pot shops on every corner?

It sucks soooooo bad. But I moved for fun and adventure. And to do more spots. And to shake up my life some to guard against routine. It's been interesting.

where can I learn stage combat with Sean Patton?

Late night infomercials.

Any chance of a toronto show soon that's hosted in a theatre rather than the underground?

Sure. A chance. But I do love the Underground.

On a scale of 0 - F in base 16 how high do you have to be to write good comedy -

followup. How much general knowledge have you gained from the podcast?

You don't have to be high to write good comedy. It helps. But mostly it helps you get high.

What is the most racist clip on the internet?

Ha! I'm not sure. There's this porn I saw once where a girl who's really bad at acting says she doesn't want to make out with a black guy. And then they do sex for a while. That was pretty racist.

What caused you to pursue being a comic? And what is one of the most important things to focus on when coming up with bits?

I went into it out of cowardice of getting a day job.

Are you your own lawyer?

The thing about Jews that a lot of people aren't aware of is that we all come out of the womb with 6 years of trial experience. So to say I'm my own lawyer cheapens just how good a lawyer I, and all my heeb friends, are.

Hey Ari, huge fan of yours thanks to the JRE podcast and bought both your specials and I fucking loved them.

Just wanted to ask what really got you into stand-up comedy and who inspired and influenced your sense of humor and act? I just ask as a comic just getting done his first year of stand-up in Philly.

Thanks for doing this AMA!

I was more influenced by my friends in high school and college than I was by other standups. And of course, I was influenced by the Simpsons.

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St Louis is in December maybe?

Jon, have you been back to Octoberfest since your severely drunken escapade? Are there any other cultural festivals you'd like to get smashed at?

Yeah, Jon, have you been back?

Do you have a yamaka?

Yes. I keep my diamonds in it.

Why did you decide to leave Los Angeles for NYC?

More spots

Fun and adventure

Shakeup my life

To be a part of the NY comedy scene for even a short period of time

date a black chick

General Tso's

Which guest smelled the best? It was Harley, wasn't it?

He wears Poutine cologne. I'm not even kidding. Some fragrance company made if for him and he's been wearing it every day for 3 years.

Who would you fuck, marry, kill? Joe Rogan, Redban and Diaz.

Those are all guys. I'd only fuck, marry or kill a woman.

1st i just wanna say ur podcast is hilarious and "This is not happening" is fucking awesome! I was gonna come tonight to "This is not happening" at the Village Underground but its sold out. Can i still get in somehow? a trade maybe?

There should be some no-shows. Get there by 7-7:15 and I bet you'll get in.

Have you taken Ayawaska yet? If not, do you have plans to do so?

I want to. But I haven't done it yet. It seems like so much effort.

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I've done Meltdown before. It's a great show. I'll probably do it again in October or January when I'm back.

Hey Ari, with a guy like Rogan helping out Joey, Yourself, Kreicher, and others get bigger recognition from the podcast, do you ever fear you'll be stuck in Rogan's shadow and be considered "just one of his friends" instead of a comedian who made they're own path or are you simply happy with where you are?

I don't care about being stuck in a shadow, but I definitely want to branch out and create more of a name for my own things so I don't need Joe to help me in order to draw people. I think that would make him super happy, too.

Ari, what comic inspired you most to start a stand-up career, and outside of yourself, who is the funniest comic working today? Congrats on the 10 yrs!

I hate words that are super final like funniest or best, but it's Bill Burr. That's the answer. And I think he's been the best for almost 5 years and is just waiting for everybody to start realizing it.

And I was more inspired by my desire to do it than any one comic I saw. We didn't have cable growing up so all I saw was shitty Carson and Leno sets.

Please tell Bill to do an AMA.

That's a great idea. Maybe I could type for him so he can answer questions faster. Seriously. Great idea.

I want him to do a story for the next This Is Not Happening we record in October. Hopefully he'll do it. He's been great every time he's done the show when we didn't record.

With the shift in how comics release material, 5$ online, did you see an increase in awareness due to it becoming accessible to those who might not attend a show? I personally gave out Joe's and your stream and downloads codes to my friends that don't watch comedy, but knew they would have a good time watching.

1,000%. But it's also due to youtube in general. That allows more access.

I just got an e-mail from Comedy Central informing me this AMA was going on. How'd you pull that one off? Also, it said 2pm, and you were a few mins late. I thought this AMA was not happening.

I'm a comic and I can't figure shit out. I got the title wrong and reddit made me wait a bunch before I could do it over.

I've been doing open mics and, well, how do I know I'm ready to make the next step and wtf is that?!

There are no steps. Just keep doing standup and as you get better, things will progress. There's nothing you have to do.

In all your travels as a comedian, which city had the hottest women and which city was the easiest to get laid in?

I mean, we're talking about just my experiences, not what's right. So, I'd say Phoenix had both. LA has the former.

Hey Ari, next time you're going on O and A stick around for Ron and Fez. Big Jay is on there a lot.

I love Ron and Fez and I would love to go on there. I've never met them, though. Tell them to put me on.

Plus it doesn't start till 10, so I could sleep a little.

Hey Ari, you truly are an amazing comedian.....but....if you HAD to choose another profession. What would it be and why?

I'd probably become an illuminati. It seems really profitable and there's a low chance of jail. Plus I think they let you eat human meat.

As a comedian, do you approach a storyteller show like this differently as you would a traditional set? In a way it seems easier as there is direction, but in a way making reality hilarious seems tougher. And how did the idea of these shows come about, I know they have been going on a few years now.

They came about when me and Eric Abrams were telling each other mushroom stories and I had a thought to have a whole show of comics telling shroom stories. Eric wanted to change it to psychedelics in general and so we did the show.

It was me, Joey Diaz, Dylan Brody, Dan Madonia, Steve Agee, and Marc Maron. And man, that was was the tits. There were MAYBE 20 people in the room but it was one of the best shows I've ever seen.

It was so good we wanted to do another one. So we did "So I'm Fucking This Girl, Right?" and then "Psychedelia" again. I think "Heartbreak" went after that. Of course Maron did that one. And we just kept doing it once a month and the popularity grew.

It really is my favorite show to watch.

Ari, you seem to have really ranted and fought against the traditional entertainment systems, which is why you out your special online for $5 and took this idea to the web. If Comedy Central offered you a another season of This is not happening on t.v., but controlled and censored, or online, unedited and in your control, which would you take?

And what happened with the Loveline style podcast you were going to do with the escort for a while, I was looking forward to that.

Comedy Central wouldn't overly censor this. They've been really great about that with the online part. Allison Kingsley made a point to let the comedians do what they wanted. She trusted the pros to be prepared to show themselves to the people. And it turned out great. I assume it would be close to that if we did it on TV. You can't censor stuff that happened.

Are you still going to be a Hornets fan now that they changed they're team to "The pelicans"? Or did you jump on the Heat bandwagon?

Idiot. The Heat. Whatever.

I've been a Hornets fan since the organization started. I stuck with them when they moved to Oklahoma City. I stuck with them when they moved to New Orleans. And I'll stick with them now. Pelicans forever.

I just wish they didn't give the name back to Charlotte.

How did you come up with the show name? Epic Story Time wasn't good enough?

We actually thought about it a lot.

It's a play on This Is Not A Pipe, by the painter Magritte. It's showing how painting are just a recreation on a certain level and not an actual object. Well, This Is Not Happening is kind of the same thing. It looks just like the actual events, but it's just a recreation of events.

Do you ever book or consider booking non-comedians for these sorts of things? I'm thinking specifically of musicians who may be storyteller types. There's a folk singer named Todd Snider who is every bit as funny as the greats in this series, and I'm sure theres others. It could be interesting to branch out a little.

We're thinking of asking Andrew WK but none of us know how to get in touch with him.

And Urijah Faber has a great travel story but he's always training in NorCal.

What's the deal with Funnybone comedy clubs? That's all I have in my area but most Deathsquad comics don't play them?

Because the Improv chain became the main name in comedy for a long time. But they have since made themselves irrelevant at all but a very few of the chains like DC, Addison and Tempe. So you should see some more of your favorites soon.

If you could murder-rape any famous person who would it be and why?

Kobe Bryant because #fuckthelakers.

My name's Brad. Big fan, and newer comic here. Got to pal around with Sean Patton a bit during the High Plains Festival in Denver last weekend. He's a good dude. And, I've hung out with you after a show at Comedy Works.

Anyway, what's one or a few things that I probably don't know about this business that I should be prepared for? I'm starting up a podcast here in Denver. Can you offer any advice on how to make that successful? How do you or did you deal with adversity within the industry? Meaning whether it be writers block, lack of motivation, or maybe just someone being a shit head? Also, do you know when you're coming back to Denver? Thanks man.

Don't make fun of annoying people until they've really become annoying.

Hey Ari I've been listening to a bunch of your podcasts and you have slowly become my new favorite. I love how you do it.

My question is, can you explain a bit more why you dislike agnosticism? I heard your opinion on it in one of your podcasts and I thought it was a really interesting opinion.

It's immature. Saying "I'm not sure" when there's no reason to think there is a god is just a cop out. There is nothing else in my life I will even talk about with zero proofs for. So why even let god into a conversation? It's an irrelevant fantasy.

Ari! You are amazingly awesome!...are you ever going to come to Minnesota!?

Since Coach left the Golden Gophers to coach in the NFL, I have been boycotting the state of Minnesota.

Nothing to say but Ill see you later at the show tonight. I am pretty excited.

should be awesome!

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We've got a tentative plan to do a couple short tours with me, Bert Kreischer and Tom Segura. It's in the early stages.

And the weed does not compare. They're more lax about you smoking it, though. More lax than anywhere except San Francisco, where you can smoke next to a baby at a park.

That reminds me, I gotta smoke pot.

Oh, and almost everywhere in Canada is better than New York weed.