Offerman Unleashes Roiling Gas via IAMA

May I direct your kind attentions to this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yDdS3vy4Iso&feature=youtu.be

How hilarious are the ladies you shoot with?

Right?

What's your favorite wood?

Morning. Also Megan's pref.

Hi Mr. Offerman, if you could punch one person in the world with no consequences who would it be and why?

I suppose it would be that dirty, mangy dog that named me "Sue".

Have you ever considered playing Teddy Roosevelt in a biopic about his life?

I look forward to playing #26 with a relish that can only be described as fervent. The Rise of Theodore Roosevelt and The River of Doubt are fantastic reads about his exploits, and Theodore Rex is good, but more of the known quantity. You can bet your San Juan Hill that in my portrayal of Teddy, I will wrestle and defeat a Crizzly Bear.

Manliness: as a 24 year old half Asian male weighing in at 120 lbs, struggling to grow facial hair, how can I become more manly like yourself?

Turn off your computer and go out of doors. Dig a large enough hole to transplant a mature apple tree. Nurture the tree, feed it, coddle it so that its fruit will be ample, bright and firm. Practice open-hand strikes against the rough bark of the trunk until it's time to harvest. Choose the champion of your apple crop, pluck it from the tree, and beat yourself about the face and tits with it until your mettle will suffice.

You seem to like Scotch, Lagavulin and Balvenie if I remember from last time. Is your enjoyment real or just for persona reasons? (I mean no disrespect, I'm just the mod of /r/scotch and we use your photo at the top of the page).

My scotch appreciation is solid and true. The older I become, the more single malts, particularly the Islay varieties, warm my gullet. Had I more time, I would gladly be all up in your r/scotch. Or, be sitting in Scotland, sipping a dram.

I highly recommend Laphroaig 10 yo if you're into Islay whiskies Mr. Offerman. :)

I have enjoyed that whiskey severally.

I love and appreciate your (seemingly) minimalist approach to the things in life that make you happy (bacon, booze, wife, wood, not necessarily in that order.) How do you keep your focus on these important necessities in the face of a busy and changing world?

Avoid channels. Limit choices. Keep a clean water pipe.

Hello Nick. Thank you.

What would be a more foul torture? Eating soy bacon Assembling ikea furniture Drinking non alcoholic beer

I try to eschew violence, so please don't send me such images.

Sausage links or patties?

please send them.

Morning Mr. Offerman! We all know Ron Swanson has only cried twice in his life. Is there anything that makes you cry?

Thanks for doing another AMA!

I cry with regularity, and I don't mind a bit. I cried last night during rehearsal for this beautiful play Annapurna, by Sharr White, that Megan and I are doing in LA. I consistently cried at the curt but heartfelt life advice dispensed by Coach Eric Taylor. I cried when Ashton Kutcher came back to television. For all of us. For shame.

Hey!

If you could impart one piece of knowledge to the wayward generation of Reddit, what would it be?

One Knowledge Piece: Wealth is more amply measured in hugs than dollars.

I can't think of any good questions, but I've been following Somebody Up There Likes Me for months now and can't wait to finally see it. You're awesome, Nick.

You are generous, itsstevedave, and I would gift you a handmade kayak had I the time. Somebody Up There Likes Me is full of hilarious and beautiful talent and also i appear in the film. My wife Megan Mullally steals the picture with 3 short scenes. If she doesn't make you titter and toot, then please resume watching CBS television programming.

If you directed Rocky 7, who would you have Rocky fight?

I imagine he'd be in a pretty good scrap with his colon by this point. I'd love to see him take on Dr. Phil, as well, and have Dr. Phil be inexplicably formidable, but then of course, ultimately lose to Mr. Balboa.

Hello Nick. I'm a freshman currently attending UIUC. What was your time like here? What were some memorable experiences? Any suggestions for cool stuff to do on campus? Thanks so much, you're absolutely hysterical. Please visit sometime!

Champaign-Urbana, Illinois made a bong-chorking man out of me. You can't beat a great college town as a wellspring of knowledge and culture. Something cool to do on campus? Eat a couple of mushroom caps, then prime yourself with a viewing of The Wild Bunch. Walk to the quad whilst trucking to the early funk of The Meters. Pleasure yourself in the middle of the quad with as much gusto as you can manage, and when they come to arrest you, only to find that you're jerking off onto a Michigan State jersey, they will fall onto the lush lawn with guffaws and then throw you a parade. True story. Also - visit Japan House, there lies the opportunity for a truly beautiful supplication.

The guys from Trailer Park Boys recently said that John Paul Tremblay (Julian) is more manly than you. Your response?

His name is Julian.

In Parks and Rec, you describe "bacon-wrapped shrimp" as your "number 1 favorite food wrapped around your number 3 favorite food." What is your number 2 favorite food?

The Puss.

How long until we get a spin-off show: "You're On with Ron!"

Forever minutes?

First and foremost, thank you for doing another AMA!

• Who is your favorite Parks and Rec character besides Ron?
• If you had to choose between bacon or carpentry, which would you choose?
• Why did you decide to start tweeting again?
• Any future projects you are working on that you can disclose?
• Here’s a shot in the dark, but is there ANY chance that you could spare an hour to be a guest on my podcast?

Thank you again for taking the time to do this AMA. Look forward to your responses!

My pleasure. 1) Duke Silver. 2) Easy. Bacon. Carpentry requires protein to flourish, but Bacon requires only my masticating pork-hole. 3) To use the practical side of Twitter to disseminate information to my peoples, despite the amount of time people waste upon said channel. 4) Doing a play in Los Angeles with my gorgeous wife Megan, Annapurna, late April-June 9. 5) I think you had another question, but it's dark so I missed it.

Would you keep a bear as a pet?

I have a large Crizzly bear named Ben who is my friend. This majestic, ursine mammal is the king of the forest, and my heart, but will never be any man's pet. He's a fucking bear.

Nick, what made you do another AMA? Be honest.

I enjoy it greatly, and I was hoping to clear the air about some of the items from the Rampart AMA.

We're really enjoying your AMA, Nick, but let's get back to Rampart.

Sorry, guys, but I consider my time valuable.

What is the most surreal thing that has happened to you as a result of your fame?

Visiting a place like The Pabst theater in Milwaukee, and receiving platters of bratwurst before taking the stage to unleash a slab of American Ham upon the people. At The Midland in Kansas City, there were 3 platters of bbq waiting for me. That this glory would be part of my job has me typing through tears of delicious ardor.

Posted this one during your last AMA but I was way too late to the game, so I'll see if I can get in soon enough this time:

Do you stay-in/switch-to character when approached in public by fans, or do you prefer to talk to people as simply "Nick?"

Do you ever get in line for something that is taking forever (coffee, post office, DMV, etc.) and decide, "You know, this is absurd. I'm about to Ron Swanson this mother out" and just lay down the law?

1) I don't like to ever play Ron when I'm not at work, even over the phone in a radio interview. Ron is not my individual property, I make him together with Mike Schur and our show, so I don't like to whip him out at the lumber yard. 2) I don't like to wait in lines. If there's a long line for coffee, I slap myself in the face and find it just as awakening as an Americano. No one ever needs to go to the DMV.

What would be the one piece of advice you'd give to the entirety of both genders if they were guaranteed to hear it?

To clear up a lot of early embarrassment: A blowjob doesn't actually involve the expression of any air onto the intended hog.

Will you be directing more episodes of Parks and Rec in the future? I loved Correspondents' Lunch!

It is my fondest wish to have my fingers in as much pudding as possible at my dreamy job, but we don't yet know the plan for next year. I hope to write more, also, and thanks for the compliment.

Well, Reddit is going to crash.

My question: Want to come to my wedding? May 25, in Jersey.

Thank you, but I will be performing "humor" at The Sasquatch Music Fest upon that day in Quincy, Washington. I wish you the very best of luck with your nuptials.

You're stranded on a desert island. What three items do you bring?

Sharp knife One dozen hogs Small seaplane

Nick, After the success of your first AMA, is there anything you feel that you did not get the chance to discuss last time that you would like to let everyone know? much love

I'm not sure that the fact that I bear a healthy rancor towards Jerry Gergich was perfectly elucidated.

Hey Nick! I heard from my teacher (Liz) that you two dated during college and she also said that for your audition to play Ron Swanson you sang a song while peeing into a cup, and then drank your own piss. Is this true?

If so.. 1) what was the song? 2) what did your pee taste like? 3) What inspired you to do this to play the part of Ron Swanson?

I have drunk the urine I've drunk.

Morning, Mr. Offerman.

What's the best way to win a lady's heart?

Sincerity, Good Manners, Dependability. Give the clitoris your attention, but don't remain on it all night. Work the perimeter before driving to the basket.

What was it like when you had to kiss Rob Lowe?

I'm not going to lie. He made me pop. Literally?

Hi Nick. I saw you at UCLA for American Ham and I just wanted to tell you how much I loved it. The songs were hilarious and I was delightfully surprised by all the male nudity.

What's it like having a super talented, funny, hot wife that shares all your interests? The men of Reddit want to know.

Having a wife that shares all of one's interests would be abhorrent. She is talented, funny and hot, and then some, but I think a relationship also needs divergent forces to remain healthy and well-rounded. Megan finds woodworking boring, but she can appreciate it in me, and I can't comprehend her acumen for interior design, but I'm mighty thank ful she has it, because she makes our home look like a work of art.

Would you ever consider being in a reality-esk woodworking, regularly airing television series? A "this old house" type thing but with your woodworking projects?

I did a show 10 or 11 years ago for Courteney Cox and David Arquette, called "Mix it Up" on the WE channel. I was the Ty Pennington of the show, the wisecracking carpenter. The only difference was that Ty never actually did any work because Trading Spaces had a budget, which means they had 6 unseen stalwarts building armoires out in the yard, freeing up Ty to be cute as shit. On our show, we lacked the $$$, so I was hauling way too much ass trying to get furniture built and crown moulding mitred and hung in 3 days per episode, being filmed all the while. Hanging chair rail in an Elvis Presley costume while someone behind a camera is telling you to be funnier turned out to be not super fun. I learned that I should make things if I wanted to, and I show do a who if I wanted to, but I shouldn't try to do a show and make things at the same time. Short version: I like to make things of a quality that takes me a longer time than a tv show schedule could allow. (pfart.)

You seem to reflect Ron closely, but what is something about you that is completely different? Also, what is something about you that surprises people?

I enjoy breakdancing, which Ron could most likely not comprehend. Ron would take my Rapper's Delight and Grandmaster Flash cassettes and use them to prop up the leg of a wonky table at the diner. People are surprised by the panoply of aromas I can weave into a room's atmosphere with my pooter clouds.

Wow, thank you for the exquisite description. I'll use this to describe the time I convinced my fiancee a sewer line burst when I actually just let one go. Also, I'm getting married in May, any advice?

Give more than take whenever you can. Happy wife, Happy life.

How did you start making canoes?

Read the comprehensive book CanoeCraft by Ted Moores. Went to visit he and Joan at Bear Mountain Boats. It is all you need and much more. bearmountainboats.com

What's your favorite season?

Paprika.

Hi Nick,

I have heard you are a huge LOTR fan, which of the 3 movies/books is your favorite and why.

I don't think I could pick, as I sit here asking myself. I think of it as all one story. Treebeard is my dream babysitter.

Do you really make hobbit pipes? Or was that just part of your stand up?

We are developing that item for sale. I have made one sweet one for myself in oak, and we're investigating how to produce in a greater quantity. Please continue to inquire at www.offermanwoodshop.com

Thanks so much for coming back to Reddit!

If you had the chance to guest star on another tv series, what shows would be the top of your list?

Grizzly Adams The Dukes of Hazzard Little House on the Prairie Barney Miller Downton Abbey Breaking Bad Enlightened Krollshow

Do you prefer your bacon crispy or not crispy?

Flaccid.

It is widely believed that you may have been flying high during your last AMA. Care to shed some light on this?

Can I get a light, please?

Wood planer/thickness or a jointer? I can only afford one right now, which would be more useful?

I'm of the opinion that it's easier to joint a board edge by hand than it is to handplane a board to thickness, so I'd get a planer.

As an enthusiast of barbecued meats. Do you have a favorite? How do you like it prepared?

My favorite of all is steak, ribs, pork loin, lamb chops, bratwurst, cheeseburgers. I like them prepared on the grill.

Describe in two words your thoughts on the NYC Soda-ban being overturned.

In America, we are free. We are fat and free.

CHICAGO CUBS!!! What do you think about this year, sir?

This is our year. What could go wrong?

Mr. Offerman, I would like to say that I love your character on Parks and Recreation. I have been compared to his likeness on more than one occasion and from more than one person.

As the owner of the mightiest mustache in all the lands, will you please judge my attempt at growing facial hair. http://imgur.com/rrjv5gX

Also, how did you get into woodworking?

Your facial hair is ample. Stop comparing yourself to others, and become your own bewhiskered King. I could read your solicitation for a free moustache comb better if I was sniffing a hundred-dollar bill. If you have one you're not using, I would be more than glad to relieve you of it. I got into woodworking by combining years of carpentry experience with a the devout study of Fine Woodworking magazine.

How was hanging out with the crew from theChive?

Good clean fun. Those guys are a chuckle.

How do you like your toast?

Baked.

Hello Nick,

If you weren't an actor/comedian, what would you be doing now instead?

Making things out of wood.

You sir are a gentleman and a scholar.

If you could be a combination of 2 animals, what animals would you choose and why?

Thanks for doing this and I look forward to seeing yourself and Alison Brie on film!

Labra-doodle (can lick own balls) Cricket (Largest testicles by proportion)