IAmA 31 year old man with stage 4 colorectal cancer that just found out I have 3 months left to live and I'm not telling anyone but strangers on reddit. AMA

If you don't want to tell anyone I respect that choice but make sure that everyone close to you knows that you love them.

And also write a goodbye letter to some of them (mother, father, wife ?) - it will mean a LOT for them.

Personally I'd like to thank you for being here with us. Even though I never met you and I never will, you are a real, breathing human being whose story is going to end quite soon. Earlier in the past I would have never ever had the opportunity to say goodbye to you but now I can get to know you in a way that your loved ones most likely never will - I met a man who is facing death with courage worth remembering. If you need someone to talk to, you always have us - redditors :)

You, sir, have my full respect and make sure that you won't waste those remaining months.

Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate it.

I wrote my letters on January 1st before I even knew. I woke up shortly after New Years Eve Events had wrapped up and written them. Maybe it was a premonition.

I wont waste my remaining months.

If i was in your position i'd take a bunch of acid and go wander the desert.

I did this already.

Record a video, if you can. Just after my dad died I was told that he was going to do a video for me and my bro, but he always thought he had a bit more time...

I said I was ok about it, but it cut me up... I sometimes hear my dad's voice in my dreams and that is reassuring, but I cant make the dreams come when I need them. Being able to hear your voice and remember how much you loved them will hopefully be a comfort to your loved ones. Particularly if you can make them smile somehow too.

Be strong. I wish you all the best.

Thats a good idea. I wrote letters but a video might be nice. I like to mess with people so this is my way to do it beyond the grave.

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First off, sorry for your loss. I struggled and pushed people away after I was diagnosed. It seemed like the right option for me at the time. It hurts people but it seems like you were able to understand his reasons. Good luck in life sir.

I think you are very brave to carry on with your life and not be burdened by self-pity. How strong a soul you must be to carry on after such news. There aren't enough "I'm sorry" words to express my sympathy so I'll just say the world will surely be diminished by the loss of one so brave.

Thanks. Who has time for self pity? Not me. Not you. Be Happy.

That's rough. I hope you manage to do everything you wanted to do in these last few months.

Thank you, I'll be trying to. I'm going to try and schedule one more trip before I go and have an amazing birthday in March.

Thank you

This post actually gave me goosebumps. Your bravery is just astounding. I think you're doing the right thing by not telling anyone just yet. You don't want them treating you differently or pitying you.

Anytime I think of saying something along the lines of "I hate my life", I will stop myself and think of you. Thank you for sharing your story.

Thanks, I don't feel brave but I think its the right thing to do for now.

Glad I can be an inspiration of some sort to you.

I'm really sorry to hear that, what did you first say when the doctor told you the news?

Thanks, I actually threw up. Gross but I threw up right then and there.

I'm not going to lie, that sounds like a perfectly resonable reaction.

thanks

Why have you decided not to tell your family?

My family will find out when I am close to the end, they just dont need to know now. The second I tell them I'll be confined to a bed eating through a straw, I'd like to be as vital as I can before I really need the bed and strw feeding.

I recently found out that I may have to have brain surgery for a seizure disorder I have. I'm 38 years old and single right now. There is no way I'm going to tell my family. They won't leave me alone if I do. I'll never be able to think about anything but this surgery until it happens.

I know my situation is nothing close to your's but I understand that.

It's a relief to know that some people can understand what it's like. It's already fucked up that you have to deal with life, add surgery to that... its all consuming. Steal what time you can for yourself. Hope you are being happy as much as you can. Team Zissou!

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I'll accept it. I leave you to decide which one and where. Thanks, your internet hug / fellatio offer was very nice.

Welllllllll...if you're anywhere near Raleigh ;)

Damn!

If you could have lunch with anyone in the world who would it be and why

In a last lunch scenario it'd be my mom. She's an amazing woman and has been there every step of this journey. If I just had a free lunch with anyone it might be Neil Patrick Harris, he's funny, knows magic and can get me into the Magic Castle (one thing I just remembered is on my Bucket List).

Alright, you can smack me. Nevertheless, should you get into the Magic Castle be sure to sit in the lounge before dinner and chat with Irma, the invisible piano player. Well worth your time.

Smack

Thanks, a nice gentleman contacted me and doing his best to get me in to the Magic Castle. It's amazing. If I was fishing for stuff I'd have asked to go to Club 33 in Disneyland.

Are you afraid, of either death itself or knowing exactly how much time you have left?

I'm not afraid. I knew that I was dying, now I just have a countdown clock. It's really weird counting down but not scary.

I was going to ask the same question - if you're scared. I am so relieved to read this comment by you. I can't imagine facing the end of my life in a matter of only a few months.

I hope you make the most of your last days here. I don't even really know what to say, I didn't realize that as I'd be typing this, I'd be getting tears in my eyes. Considering I'm turning 31 in April, I can't imagine everything already being over, since I feel like I've almost done nothing worth mentioning in my life so far. It creates a sense of urgency, because we really never know when it's going to be over.

hugs

Thanks. Happy Birthday, if you want to take anything away from this, it is just to be happy.

It's graceful to hear that you are not scared of the inevitable. Stay strong, my friend!

Thanks, stay strong too!

I would love to buy you a pizza if you ever want a free meal of food.

I actually had someone buy me pizza on reddit, when I was first diagnosed my meds would wipe my account clean. We are talking like $900 co-pays every two weeks. Thank you for the offer but I'm set, consider buying anyone else a pizza in my honor. Have them draw a picture on the box and put it on reddit so I can see it.

Yeah I creeped your previous submittals. Unrelated note, you definitely have your shit together. I hope I am as equally brave when my number is called. Take care

Thank you

Are you currently working? Or are you taking time off now? Also, do you see the world differently now that you have a time limit of how much of it you can enjoy before you die? You are a brave man and I wish for you and your family the best.

I am still working, I actually just told my boss everything and he told me when I want to leave, just go. He's a great man. He cried, so did I.

Hey man I'm so sorry to hear about the news, I respect your ability to handle everything although I don't anyone that hasn't been through could handle it the "right way". Just my opinion.

Have you ever had a major illness before being diagnosed? What ideas about death did you have before this? What advice do you have for people that are constantly thinking about death? My fiancee is scared out of her mind and swears she will die soon but I think she is wasting time thinking about it. My biggest fear is that my funeral will be boring and a typical casket in a church. I want drinks and music and stuff going not everyone wearing black clothes and crying uncontrollably. What do you want?

My funeral is going to put the fun back into funeral. If I could hire a doppleganger of myself I would have him at the reception just to sneak in, cough, then leave and everyone would whisper that they saw me.

I worry about my death more for others than my own. Like I said, I'm just going to sleep forever, they have to live on and grieve, that upsets me but in the same breath, I am glad I have people that care enough to grieve.

That is hilarious. I am taking notes. Is it surreal? Like you never thought it would ever happen? I think our own existence can sometimes fool us into thinking were invincible. Well man I am glad you are taking the best way you can. No sense getting upset about it, it won't change anything. I hope that you find that doppleganger and freak everyone the fuck out.

Yeah it was surreal, like I said I've been prepared for a while, now I just have a countdown clock. I never thought I'd outlive my mother which still boggles my mind. You hit the nail on the head, I can't change anything at this point so why get upset.

I'll be putting out a casting call for my double.

For what its worth the afterlife or nothing life or whatever you believe in; the most important thought when you do go is that you won't be forgotten. That is certain.

Thanks man you are a solid guy CarlosConQueso

What do you hope to do on your final moment?

I hope to say something really kick ass but I hope to just go in my sleep. Any suggestions on my final words? I'll just keep saying them over and over until they are my last.

the treasure is in the....

pocket of D.B. Cooper

Just say "fuck this shit, I'm out" then close your eyes and drift away. It will give your family something to make them smile. Make sure to have them agree to have your last words printed on your headstone to be remembered forever!

I wanted to do the scene from Half Baked... F*** You, F*** You, F*** You, You're cool, I'm out!

"To long, didn't read" and just leave every non redditor confused as fuck

Ha! I like that. tl:dr

"Respawning in 10..."

9

31 is too young, sorry to hear your story. Although it's put my bullshit problems into perspective.

Thanks, no problems are bullshit, just take this story as a chance to chang and fix those problems before you are forced too.

Do you think that this is fair to your family considering that so many of them won't get the chance to say goodbye properly, and they will obviously grieve much harder as a result?

I think the only person to get an unfair deal is me. My family can eaither worry every second of every day for the next 3 months or they can enjoy me doing my daily tasks and being a part of life with them. It's not like I'll be hit by a car in 3 months and then boom its over. It'll be gradual and they'll be by my side the whole time, but while I am vibrant and aware it's information that they don't need right now.

As someone who has never had to make this decision there is no way I can say what you should or should not do. I know that it is so personal and a choice only you can make for yourself. I work at a cancer support community and work with many people who have lost someone to cancer. Just remember that you deserve their support through your journey and they deserve to be able to get support too- they will be the ones left behind having to cope, figure out why you didn't want them to know, and blaming themselves. Just a thought.

Yeah, it's not like I am not around them and will just die unexpectedly with no ones knowledge. I just don't want to jeopordize my abilty to do things freely while I still can.

I want to run,swim, jump, scream, laugh, sing and just about anything else I can still do to be unjudged by the people around me who might want me to take it easy and rest up.

While they don't know I have 3 months, they do know my time is coming up.

I deserve my last unincumbered bit of fun and so do they. Thank you for your support.

Best wishes and happiness throughout it all!

Thank you, same to you!

What are your biggest regrets that you won't be able to address?

Also, what is your best advice in life, that you wouldn't feel comfortable saying otherwise?

(I'm sorry about your situation.)

My biggest regrets: I don't have many. I really messed up with a friend that I had in high school. I loved her and we were great friends. I moved in with her, lied to her, and basically screwed her living situation up. I was young, dumb, and in love. I was lost in it all and never appologized to her, not that I didn't try, she just doesn't care to hear it. Other than that my life is regret free.

My best life advice is simple, be happy. The world is too big and filled with too many people for you to stick around in places and around people that don't make you happy. Be happy damnit!

Thank you.

Thanks. I hope you live the fuck out of the time you have left. You sound like good peoples.

Thanks. Seriously, BE HAPPY!

We all may be alive for different legnths of tim but not one minute of your life should be spent being unhappy. We live in a world with endless resources to make us happy so do it.

I hope you live the fuck out of the time you have left too!

Sending you love on your journey, and thanks for reminding us all about what is really important in life. I'm glad you don't plan to take this "secret" to the end, though. Those who love you deserve their chance to tell you so.

Absolutely, thank you

How would you like us Redditors to remember you? I know we are only strangers, but Im sure many of us will think of you. What is something youd like everyone to know about you, however obscure?

I would like to be remembered on reddit as someone who loved this community of people that I can connect with on millions of different levels and yet never see their face or know their name. I hope someone feels that same way towards me as I feel towards all of you.

A fact everyone should remember about me? Handsome as a lumberjack, like I should be on a roll of paper towels.

What have you done, that you otherwise wouldn't have did, if you weren't ill?

I would have traveled more. I had planned to but it got away from me. I might also have contacted people from my past but now the people that are around me are the most important people so I don't think musch about others. Pretty selfish I know.

that is not selfish. there are alot of people in life that are there, but not really there. I really wish you the best three months any individual could have. Maybe longer? you never know! You have a great spirit and I will never forget reading this post, ever.

Thank you.

No problem. I wish I could meet you!

Thanks, I wish I could meet you too!

I hope that the rest of your life is filled with love and happiness. Rest easy, man.

Thank you, I hope the same for you

Would you rather fight 100 duck sized horses or one horse sized duck?

Finally someone asks the tough questions!

Since ducks are rapists and a horse sized one would be to big to fight off, I'm going 100 duck sized horses.

In very sorry. Truly. Are you going to wait until something medical takes you out, or are you going to do something wild.

I always thought that if this were to happen to me I would try and figure out a cool way to die on my terms. Any thoughts on this?

I've never considered going out in a blaze of glory, it's an interesting idea.

My idea if I ever have this happen. Go out with a little style. Rent a luxury car and tuxedo. Hit the town and eat at the finest restaurant I could find. Kind of do a Joe vs. the Volcano night.

Sounds like fun.

So you know you are going to die. Does it suck knowing that you have an expected time frame for departure? I mean, it is obviously the doctor's job to tell you that you have cancer and what stage it is in, but did you ask "How long do I have?" If you did, do you regret asking?

Also, I hope you are able to live the rest of your time being happy and without many worries. If I knew I was going to die in _ months, I don't know how I would react. I don't know you personally, but I think you are a strong and brave guy. I hope you are able to live in comfort, and be treated the same way by those who love you. I know I wouldn't want to be treated any differently; that would only make me think the people around me are not genuine. Kay, I blabbed on enough, all the best!

I've known for a bit that I wasn't going to make it very long. After my first round of chemo I was in remission and less than two months later it came back and brought friends, As far as knowing how much time I have left, my doctor told me. I didn't ask but I didn't mind knowing. I am able to live the rest of my days knowing that they will be filled with happiness.

Thanks for your kind words.

First of all I am so sorry to hear that you are sick and that it was so sudden. Now that I work in a hospital as a nurses aid I understand things from a different perspective- at least the suffering side of things, and the fact that people don't want to spend their last moments in the hospital....But my grandfather who I was very close to did something similar when I was 10. No one in my family knew that he had prostate cancer except for one of my aunts who was an RN. My little brother and I used to go to his house every day after school and I remember thinking he was acting differently. Next thing I knew he was in the hospital in the ICU and I wasn't able to see him because I was too young- according to my parents. He died two weeks later and I never got to say goodbye, which has stuck with me to this day and has been very painful. I know that sounds selfish, because he was the one suffering but I just didn't understand as a child. I guess my question for you is....respectfully....how are you coping with knowing that your family and the people who love you will be blindsided by this? I guess I would just like to know that perspective first hand.

Sorry for your loss.

My situation is a bit different as I will eventually be with all my loved ones as I begin to turn for the worse but I feel like the memories I create for them while I know the clock is running out will be the goodbyes they will remember, not the husk of a human that is wasting away.

What comforts you at the moment? A lot of respect for sharing this!

What comforts me at the moment is this. This AMA. Any questions I may have been afraid to ask myself or just hearing to have fun for the next 90 days is truly amazing.

Sorry to hear about your situation. Not sure if you've already thought of this, but I'd recommend getting hospice involved - not only for you, but also for your family (once you decide to tell them). They helped us out quite a bit before my wife's mom passed away.

Also, get all your finances and beneficiaries in order and maybe consider talking to family about your funeral/burial wishes. A co-worker's dad died and they agonized (after his death) about whether he'd have wanted to be buried, cremated, etc.

I applaud you work the way you are dealing with this news.

Thanks, yeah I haven't yet involved hospice. It ultimately comes down to what kind of burden I would be to my family. Funeral arrangements and wills have been completed for a few months now. It wasn't pleasent but I knew what i had to do to protect my family from any additional stress.

Do you fear death?

I don't know what there is to fear about death. I imagine its just like going to sleep but forever.

I fear being kept alive artificially, I fear not being able to communicate, I fear that when I'm gone my loved ones will grieve but I don't fear death.

That's a good answer (sorry if my original question came over as a bit heartless, wasn't intended)

So have you become philosophical about the whole affair?

Nah, your question was honest!

I don't think so, I did after I was diagnosed. Thats when I started my have fun policy, haven't looked back.

This is going to sound weird but i would like your input on this: if you were to travel around the world in different countries, different cultures and you were given the ability to ask people you meet one and only one question what would this question be ?

What do you do for fun?

Thank you.

No thank you

I'm not a very emotional person but this is some deep stuff. Death has always evaded my mind, but thinking about the end, having a countdown clock...Seems scary, and the fact you don't seem scared is very inspiring! If you write anything to your family (as i'm sure you will), will you tell them about this post? It seems we've picked your brain enough to answer most questions your family would ask. And also, would you encourage a family member to update us when things go...south?

Yeah, I decided a few hours ago i might show this to them when things start going south. I'll let them know to update this post or create a new one somewhere that will get to all of your eyes. Thank you.

Cancer has claimed the lives of so many close people to me. I wanted to say you sound like an incredibly brave person. I admire you doing this AMA. I'm sure everyone else reading this AMA thinks the same of you.

I guess I have one question. Did anyone else in your family ever have colon cancer?

Sorry for your loss. I don't know my fathers' family medical history but I'm the first on my mothers side. I think a distant uncle had lung cancer from smoking like a chimney. Thanks for the kind words.

Do you believe in a higher power? Has the experience changed the way you view god/heaven?

I believe in A higher power, more karma based and less big man in the sky with a fancy cloud for me to live on. Whatever beliefs I had about God were dashed when I was diagnosed.

Yeah I might lose my faith too if I received such a diagnosis, or at least focus more on the here and now, Is there anything special you plan on doing with your loved ones?

Nothing more special than just being around and going out and creating memories.

good luck man. i dont have any questions, i just want to wish you well on your journey though life.

Thank you

Favorite Colour?

Green

I find it hard to ask you such a trivial question, but I'd really like to know. Did you consider yourself relatively healthy at say... age 20, 25, and 28? Can you describe your diet, excercise, and sleep patterns?

I was far from healthy,although I lost a good deal of weight before my mid 20's. A lifetime of poor eating decisions caught up to me. My diet pre cancer was usually beef, potatoes, chicken. My post cancer diet is kale, peppers, broccolli, no beef, no pork (although I'm going to eat a bacon wrapped steak when the reaper comes-a-knocking) and a myriad of veggies that most likely have prolonged my life as long as they can. I would walk everywhere although I never set out to excercise but I did 2 miles an average daily. As far as sleep goes. 6-8 hours for most of my life. When I was in film school in 08 it was like 2-3 hours for about a year.

Well, take solace in the fact you will live to see what this countdown is to...

I'm sorry if this is in bad taste, I try to lighten heavy topics with humor, and there's not much humor to pull here.

HA! I am so excited now... the anticipation is killing me (oh wait thats the cancer)

I too lighten heavy topics with very little humor.

Knowing you aren't going to live...do you plan on doing some wild stuff? I always said if this happened, I'd be experimenting with crazy drugs and banging hookers like there is no tomorrow.

In all seriousness... Will you do anything you've been scared to do (provided you are physically up to it)?

There aren't any plans to do things that are too crazy. If I came up on a violent crime happening out in the world that I could do something about I might be more inclined to step in with very little concern for my own physical well being but other than that I've been doing everything I have wanted to do for the last six months. If I have the resources, I do it.

I'm telling you, man. Hooker sandwich. Do it for me.

I googled it.... thats a start.

Escorts. A good price for a GOOD working girl is $200 per hour. You don't need to blow more unless she's something spectacular. If you're interested I can help you set it up. I used to be in "executive protection", so yes, I did arrange these kinds of things before.

And in your case, I'm betting I could get a HELL of a party for you, with your story.

This is the craziest offer I have recieved so far, there was talk earlier of a hooker sandwhich which I googled, I DON'T WANT THAT. I'm good right now with the people around me. Besides pity sex is the easiest sex to get. Pick up line: "This is crazy but I have cancer and about three months left to live, but I couldn't die peacefully if I didn't come over here and tell you that you are the prettiest women I have ever seen in my entire life" then just walk away.

Dude... become a super hero.

If the situation arises. I was bummed that all my radiation therapy didn't allow me to fly or shoot webs but it did shrink my balls.

Don't you think your being selfish by not telling anyone? If I loved you I would want to know.

I know it is selfish and I don't know how they'll respond but since they'll be there for when the times get tough I don't feel that bad.

If you loved me and knew that I would eventually succumb to cancer would you freak out when I told you 3 months? Would you still go out and throw caution into the wind with me, or would you count the days and tell me to be careful, or worry everyday that I wasn't next to you that I had died?

I'm very sorry that you have to go through this. No question. I just wanted to tell you to talk to the people you love before you go -- do it while you're relatively healthy and couscous. I lost my father in 2009 at a young age and the hardest part was not being able to say goodbye and being able to have a good conversation to reflect on life before he went. I was too young to really form a good man-to-man bond with him, but it still sucks not having the experience. Best of luck!

Sorry for your loss. Hopefully you have amazing memories of him, thats what I hope to do for my family and loved ones.

I hope you get things out of this life in these three months that most people don't get out of 100 years

I already have.

lel

lel

How have your doctors been? Did you wish they could have done/said something different?

My doctors have been okay, I seem to fire the ones that really sugar coat things or try to have really soothing bedside manner, I like the gruff ones that just tell you how it is. It must be tough for an oncologist to tell people they have an awful condition and then have to do it again and again. I don't envy them.

Have fun. Live every second, and nothing can go wrong.

Hey, thats my motto. Thanks

Really sorry to hear about the bad hand that got handed to you. I hope your last months are what you want them to be. My question: If you don't mind me asking, what are your religious beliefs, and how do you think they will affect you in these last months? If none, then do you wish you had more religiion in your life.

I had religion overload growing up but it never transitioned to my adult life. I don't miss it. Occasionaly I would talk to "God" but ultimately I just wanted to talk to someone that I didn't know and didn't care about. I sought no advice, just a sounding board for my own thoughts.

I really turned angry at religion when I was diagnosed but once I decided what I was going to do with my life post diagnosis there wasn't any room for anger in my life, or religion for that matter.

Thank you for your kind words.

One more question. i've always wondered this:

Is there any one thing in life that you immediately thought about when (you heard the news) that you regret? Or maybe a person you need or want to reconcile with?

Nothing immediate. I threw up when he told me three months but then cracked a joke. I have an ex I would appologize to but it's not important to her and it's not that important to me.

Are you going to even attempt chemo or radiation? Death sentences can be misdiagnosed, have you got a second opinion?

I did for the better part of two years. I had surgeries, radiation, chemo 5 times. I appreciate the outlook but the days are numbered.

What symptoms were you experimenting which led to your diagnosis? and is this disease in your family genes?

I was experiencing intense stomach pains with certain issues of the colon (#3's) and after they didn't go away I went to the doctor, he dismissed them, it got much worse, new tests shows I got the C. No family history, just lucky.

Certain issues of the colon? #3c's? Can you go into more detail?

bloody diarrhea constantly! (A case of the #3's)

Next summer I'll sit in this exact spot and think "That guy doesn't exist anymore.." So sad :(

Don't give up though, I've heard a lot of stories about people who were told they only have a few months to live but survived.

Thanks, I like to think someone will think,"That guy doesn't exist anymore."

do you have an extraordinary plans, like sky diving or doing something cool? and if you can't, what would you want to do?

I've done a ton of things, what ever comes up and is fun, I'm in. I would love to do something extreme but I don't really have just a crazy desire to like snowboard down a volcano although it'd be freaking awesome. I still have a budget too so just because i might not have to pay rent in three months doesn't mean I can live like that. With proper resources I'd go on a cruise and scuba. But little fun things are just as amazing. A great dinner at this point is a fun memory.

Your story has touched me, i hope your family understands why you made this choice and i wish you nothing but the best for the remainder of your time. Have you thought about for your last words starting to say something like i have to tell you all something before i go... I.. And then close your eyes and that be it. That way they will be wondering what you said for the rest of their lives what u had to say but it will be nothing.

I haven't considered any last words really. I did right letters to my loved ones a few weeks back, on New Years Day. I want those letters to be my last comments to each of them respectively. My last words will be funny hopefully. Maybe I'll quote rocky horror and say that I can see them shivering with antici----

What's on your bucket list?

I've been knocking things off my list for the past year but I wanted to get married and thats not happening and I wouldn't mind going on a cruise or trip before I go.

Some things that were on my list that I already completed: Go to Disney World Skydive Bungee Jump Travel to England Be a best man at a wedding Be in a movie

I knew of someone who recently died to cancer and they said it was painfully. So if you are comfortable enough to answer, is it painfull?

I'm sure that it will be much more painful but for the past year it's felt like I am battling a stomach flu constantly. i eat, get sick, I breathe, I get sick. Meds help

how did you initially find out you had colon cancer?

I had some intese stomach pain and went to the doctor, he ran some tests and then dismissed my pain. A few days later the pain got even worse, they tested me for some new things and then Blammo! cancer.

I lost my Mother to Cancer and now my Father has to go for a biopsy at the end of this month because of rapid accelerating PSA levels. This disease is tragedy for everyone in the world at some point whether it be them or their families. I'm so very sorry you have to be on that end as well and I think I speak for many when I say be strong and be with the ones you love. If you have the means financially and haven't thrown in the towel quite yet, still some options for some people. The only alternative treatment my family has been able to find in the past years that have had results from such a late stage in cancer is The Brzezinski Clinic in Texas (They only do clinical trials now but still take patients on individual basis, with great success in Brain Cancer and success in others as well). Also, recently a girl in December was days away and their was a story in the news about a new treatment that saved her. It had to do with taking a specific enzyme from the HIV virus and using it to fight cancer cells. I know that sounds rough but research it if it helps. Just want to pass knowledge for you or anyone for that matter, who might take a little something extra from this thread. I'm not trying to give false hope and financially these things cant be accessed for many of us yet. But in case you still had some fight in you and you have the means, I,d say GO FOR IT!! Be strong!

Sorry for your loss. There is quite a bit of help out there but my cancer has now spread like wildfire. I had colorectal cancer, now it has spread to my liver and pancreas. I'm afraid that fighting would send me to a hospital bed where I would die and not get to live out the last bit of life I'd like to live. Thank you so much for the advice though. And yest the financial ramifications of cancer is insane. Good luck to your family.

What do you plan to do the next 3 months? What (assuming you outlife the expectation) you do 1 year from now?

Next 3 months are going to be spend being happy. If I want to do something I just will do it. I'm going to create memories for my family and loved ones to hold on to as I slip away.

If I am alive a year from now I am on borrowed time and hope to continue to be happy with my choices and decisions.

Have you thought about getting another opinion? Or looking into clinical trials?

I wish you all the happiness, strength, and free spirit during the rest of your time. As someone who has watched a family member die from cancer, and knew it was terminal, its extremely hard to watch. I've also not been told another family member was terminal until close to the end, and still was able to say certain important things. I preferred the later. I think perserving their idea of you this way is a selfless thing to do, the gift of hope.

I looked at tons of different options but ultimately none were a solution for me. Thank you for your inspiring words. Maybe I'll share this with them one day.

What are your thoughts on life after death? Religion? Reincarnation?

No life after death, just a sleep that goes on forever. No religion, just karma. If Reincarnation was real I want to come back as a bald eagle, because they are awesome.

Thanks for your reply :)

Your thought of a sleep that goes on forever made me think of this: http://youtu.be/mMRrCYPxD0I which touches on it.

I hope the coming months are as fun as they can be and filled with love <3

Thank you, I'm going to watch it.

I have always hated the thought of passing away, but i vowed that if i have the oppertunity, i will take the matter into my own hands. Believe it or not, i actually got my sky-diving certificate for this reason. It was awesome, but... Kind of macabre a thought.

Will you do this? It probably beats the suffering.

Take care, i wish i could do something for you.

I think I'm going to let nature take its course. If i could pick a day and time to go, I'd do it in a second. I'd go on my birthday at the exact second I was born.

My dad is fighting for more time with stage 4 lung cancer. He wasn't supposed to live till Christmas, but here we are, he is feeling good. He told me last week that he is setting goals for dates he wants to make. First was Christmas, now my birthday (27th of this month).

Have you done anything like this?

As the family member I can say I would rather know. It has given me time to grieve, and talk to my dad. With cancer you don't always gradually decline, 1 infection and you are dead. My Dad has almost died 3 times in 6 months. Every time I've wondered if this was it.

Happy your dad is fighting the good fight.

I don't set date goals, at this stage I don't look forward to things, I just do them, in the moment I want to do them. Maybe doing that extends life, or maybe its what keeps certain people going.

I'd love to make it past 3 months, but if I didn't I'm okay with that.

I know that my family would rather know but I can't have them treat me differently just yet.

Do you have kids? And also, stay strong, you're a brave man..

No kids, I'd hate to be responsible for potentially passing this on and leaving children with no father, thats how I grew up but my dad didn't have the good sense to be dead.

What part of the world are you in?

If you happen to be near me, I would love to buy you a beer.

Cheers!

I am in Los Angeles and will travel to Connecticut in two months or the second my health begins to deteriorate rapidly. I already have a ticket prepaid.

Do you have a bucket list?

I do, I posted some of it earlier. Ultimately I want to do anything I can as long as I enjoy it, with the days numbered I actually want to do everything I love! Making myself and those around me happy is my entire bucket list!

What do you plan on doing with your remaining months? What do you believe will happen after you pass away? (i.e spiritual beliefs) I'm sorry to hear the burden and grief you and your loved ones carry. You're truly a strong person to endure and last as long as you have. You haven't lost the battle yet though! Lose is death itself, which is imminent and none of us can escape it. I hope your remaining days are your best.

I'm going to have fun! When I pass I don't think anything will happen for me.... my mom and brother will cry. My cousin will comfort them the only way he knows how. My girlfriend will cry with them and the rest of the world will continue to spin. The next day the sun will still come up and go down. I just hope that the ones that are left to cry can remember the good times we had.

Anything that comes out after "the 3 month period" that you really wanted to check out? Movie, Album, Game etc.?

Nah, I stopped looking forward to things I had no control of a while back. Knowing that if a movie I wanted to see was coming out next year I most likely would not have made it to see it. I wish there was so I could have a Star Trek moment. I enjoy everything so I'll consume it til I can't consume anymore.

Have you looked into treatment with diet? I recently stayed with a family and the man of the house there was told he had 1-3 months to live. He changed his diet to the RAVE diet and 2 and a half years on he's still going.

Don't want to give out false hope but it be worth looking into. Search for the RAVE Diet, I don't have cancer but I'm currently on the diet, it's difficult at first but you get into it you really start to appreciate what a decent diet can do to the body.

Yeah I switched to an alkaline diet which has its own controversy around it but it makes the pH in your body really unfriendly to cancer cells. My doctor thinks it helped me get this far. Seems close to the RAVE Diet. Thank you, gooluck to your friend.

If this is true, that's pretty messed up. For Christ's sake dude, I would rather your whole family/friends know about this..then someone like me who doesn't even know your first name!

They know I'm dying they just don't know when. In their minds it could be tomorrow or five years or hell maybe they think 3 months but I'd like to live free and clear of their concerns until it's neccessary for them to worry.

This is a completely selfish decision but I'm the person dying.

I think it is completely OK for you to be taking this stance. I think I would feel the same, but it would be killing me inside to have to keep this from everyone I care about the most. If your family would bed rest you, which you said they would, I wouldn't tell them either. you want to live your last few months free to be! I praise your courage to have this secret you are keeping to yourself so that you can ensure your last few months are free and truly happy. Telling your family would only be telling them about the inevitable much before they'd need to know! Not telling them allows them to keep the hope that it'll be longer than 3-4 months.

Thank you, people are much more understanding than I thought they would be.

Dude, opiates are fucking awesome. For almost all people learning how wonderful true opiate use is awful. I'm actually the author of the script that kellyroycomma used in the how and why of heroin addiction (1/3 million views on youtube). But enough about me...

I'm not talking about taking a vicodin as needed. I mean taking 20-30mg of oxycodone combined with hydromorphone (for someone opiate naive) and just lying down on the couch and thinking about life or nothing at all.

My point is you have a few months left, you don't even have time to abuse opiates enough to cause ANY damage to yourself (side note: opiates don't biochemically cause damage, just the craving to get them and potential emotional damage does). Not to mention your insurance will cover it and your doc will prescribe it (if he doesn't find someone who will).

Even if you don't feel pain yet, the euphoria and contentment with opiods might help you accept and deal with your illness. And it's not like being drunk or in a haze, you are still level-headed, cognizant and see the world with clarity. It's just that underneath that clarity is a profound happiness and ability to both accept and love. The dark side to these feelings come from increased dosages due to tolerance and the high monetary cost. If money was no issue, the longterm side effects could be a lower drive to seek 'meaningful' pleasure in the world from friends, family, and success. But for you none of this matters.

Go over to reddit.com/r/opiates if you're interested. I truly implore you to consider it, it's such a wonderful chemical, and I truly believe it will help relieve you of anxiety, physical pain, and fear.

Thanks, because I live in the state of California I do well with medical marijuana. My doctor has about 10 different pain pills he's pushed on me but for now I just pop in a edible and relax.