Helen Smith

Helen smith psychologist
is a forensic psychologist in Knoxville, Tennessee who specializes in violent children and adults. She holds a PhD from the University of Tennessee and masters degrees from The New School for Social Research and the City University of New York

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helenphd536 karma

Yes, that's what I am saying. Men have basically told me that they feel a lack of respect in marriage, that they have little or no space in the family home after being sent to the basement, that the legal system is stacked against them in marriage and at the time of divorce. In addition, the culture expects men to help with housework, work a job, help with the kids and they are still not good enough. Hence all the male bashing between women and in the media.

helenphd460 karma

I like the /r/MensRights group here at reddit and read it. I like other groups too. I think that calling these groups hate speech or misogynists is a way of closing down the discussion. There are many groups benefiting from men not speaking up and being afraid of being called names. I can understand this but it is imperative not to let it impede on free speech. I was appalled when I saw that Warren Farrell, author of the Myth of Male Power, etc. was shouted down at the University of Toronto by a group of angry feminists and their Uncle Tim supporters. Men are committing suicide in high numbers, dropping out of school and have issues that must be addressed and anyone opposing the right for free discussion in my opinion is the hater here.

helenphd394 karma

Exactly, unfairness of the system is another aspect of the legal problems that men have when they marry. I have heard from men who divorce and their ex has a high level degree and is able to work, but they are still held responsible for support. It seems that just by virtue of being male, that one is a walking wallet.

helenphd293 karma

I think that it is extremely negative as Raymond is treated like a moron. Jim Macnamara, a researcher in Australia found that men are treated in a negative light in the media 69% of the time and only around 12% of the time were they seen in a positive light. This male bashing and negative portrayal of men makes women and some men suspicious of men and makes women feel all the more entitled since the men are such idiots or perverts. This can't have a good effect on marriage.

helenphd270 karma

Great question. Marriage has always been fairly important to women but it seems that in recent years it is becoming more important. A Pew Research study shows an increasing number of women who feel that marriage is the most important thing in their life whereas fewer and fewer men are feeling this way. The media and culture tell women that they are entitled to whatever men have and deserve to be happy. Men are told to make them so. The culture for the past fifty years has been about what women want and has forgotten that men are human too, that they need to get something out of the deal of marriage but as the rewards of marriage go down for men and the costs and dangers get higher, men are opting out.

helenphd225 karma

Can your lovely woman understand how you feel and what you have been through? Have you told her and how does she re-act? Does she dismiss your feelings? If so, be careful. If she does understand and tells you to take your time and takes the pressure off, then you may find that she is a good match for you.

If you feel that she is understanding and would be a good wife, what about a pre-nup? But remember, if you really don't want to be married, don't be blackmailed into it. It is your one and only life and you have to think of your happiness, not just hers.

helenphd224 karma

Yes, in my teens and twenties, I was very much a feminist because I felt/saw that women had disadvantages in some ways in our society. However, the pendulum has swung too far the other way now, with women having privileges and men having responsibilities. This is as unfair as discrimination against women and must be changed.

helenphd214 karma

Yes, think that a strong lobby for men is needed. I used to think that the problem might solve itself but it doesn't seem to be. Boys and young men are in schools where they are often subjected to a feminized culture where girls needs are at the forefront and boys are nonexistent. There are boys not learning to read, told not to make waves, told that competition, skill and mastery are too masculine etc. and this needs to end. It won't without a strong lobby. I would love to hear from commenters here what they think a good men's lobby would look like. We need ideas and action, not just talk.

helenphd188 karma

Maybe that should be my next book! Asking men "why did you marry?" I did not ask men why they married, I asked why they didn't want to. I also am curious as to how many men really really thought through getting married. The younger men I interviewed seemed to have no clue about the legal aspects of marriage and some thought that in a divorce, the courts would treat them fairly if, for example, their wife cheated on them. They were shocked to hear this was not the case....

helenphd170 karma

I agree that complaining is viewed as "unmanly" but is fighting for justice "unmanly"? When men tell me they do not want to seem like complainers or whiners, I ask them if fighting for gun rights or for freedom of speech, etc.is unmanly. They usually say no. Isn't fighting against the lack of due process, lack of reproductive rights, or against involuntary servitude very similar to fighting for those rights I mentioned? How is that complaining? Or is it only complaining if a man benefits?