Hi, I’m Warren Farrell, author of *The Myth of Male Power* and *Father and Child Reunion*

Why is the male suicide rate so high?

suicide becomes more likely when four things occur simultaneously. The person feels that: --no one loves him or her --no one needs him or her --there's no hope of that changing --there's no one i can talk with about my fears without her or him losing respect for me

as males enter adolescence, we increasingly learn that real men repress their feelings, not express their feelings. we learn "when the going gets tough, the tough get going." when boys and girls break up in school, the boys' mental health is challenged more. video games and video porn are escapes, but they stimulate the nucleus accumbens part of the brain that motivates us to win at the game, but not at life. depression sets in.

solution? helping our sons understand that repressing feelings was what was necessary for boys in the past to become warriors and be trained to be disposable, but that's not necessary for him and was never meant to be healthy (being disposable isn't that healthy).

divorced men who lose their children are also highly likely to commit suicide: they fear no one loves them; no one needs them; the courts make them feel no hope of that changing, and their male friends are usually trying to give solutions rather than be emotionally present.

schools and parents need to help our sons express feelings at an early age.

their male friends are usually trying to give solutions rather than be emotionally present.

This is interesting, isn't offering solutions a way of being emotionally present? You are recognizing their fears/problems as valid, and offering to help them.

Anecdotal, but I know sometimes I just want to get it all off my chest and not hear solutions - just give me a couple hours to wallow in my misery with a trusted friend close by.

yes. yes. and yes. everyone needs to be heard first.

we need to retrain ourselves to not be more comfortable doing this for women than for men. a crying women attracts saviors like honey attracts ants; a man crying about a problem at work turns a woman off.

if we wish to stop male suicide, we have to see that that was functional for our past when we needed disposable warriors, but it is not functional for a future for those women who desire men who are nurturer-connectors more than killer-protectors.

usually offering solutions doesn't make a person feel emotionally attended to unless the solution-offering is after a significant period of empathizing with how much of a challenge that must be for the person, and just listening and asking for them to share more without interrupting their permission to peel off one layer after another of their emotional onion without sensing any desire on your part to jump in and say anything. when they're completely done, and ask for your advice, a great answer is, "i do have some thoughts, but first, is there anything you feel could be helpful?" you'll be amazed at how often they have an idea, and how respected it makes them feel to be listened to with no sign of impatience. finally, of course, offer your solution. at that point it is part of being emotionally present. :)

does that help?

What can we do to alleviate this condition for adolescent boys and men who are subject to devastation of divorce and family breakdown. This is a serious issues that people simply are not or do not want to talk about. In Canada 8 men and 2 women commit suicide every day and divorcing men are 8 times as likely to commit suicide to women in the general population.

the devastation of divorce for children--both girls and boys-- is best mitigated by four conditions operating simultaneously: --both parents having about equal time with the children --the parents living close enough to each other that the children do not have to give up friends or activities to see the other parent; --the children not being able to detect any badmouthing or negative body language about the absent parent --the parents doing couples' counseling consistently--not just in response to an emergency. ideally this will often also include the children.

these four conditions give the children the optimum chance of doing about as well as they would in an intact family, and makes the dad feel loved and needed. people who feel loved and needed rarely commit suicide. it also takes enormous pressure off the mom. children raised by mom alone do worse than in any other family structure, and the moms end up feeling overwhelmed and stressed. (the documentation for all this is in Father and Child Reunion.)

It's even worse among veterans.

absolutely.

more veterans commit suicide in any given year after returning from iraq or afghanistan than died in both actual wars IN ALL YEARS COMBINED.

We've taught men that they need to dedicate their lives to providing for their wives and families. While it's good to have devoted husbands, we're living in an age where modern life and the flagging economy make that dream impossible to realize.

In addition to this, there are very few people willing to dedicate resources specifically for helping men. At every college there's a Women's Center, an LGBT Center, and a Multicultural Center (or some permutation thereof), and there are clubs dedicated to LGBTs, Hispanic-Americans, African-Americans, Asian-Americans, and every other minority group. However, there is nothing that specifically address the issues and pressures that men face in society.

well, i never dreamed i'd be responding to someone labeled "slutlord-fascist" but your question makes sense.

yes re: services for women, not men. The Myth of Male Power is filled with examples. one recent example is the White House Council for Women and Girls, and no equivalent for men and boys. President Obama just created "My Brothers' Keeper" for boys and young men of color, but nothing for caucasian men. i encourage you to log onto the effort i'm working on to create a white house council on boys and men: just google it for the web site. and maybe consider a name change? :)

Can you comment about how your concept of "date fraud" affects male victims of sexual violence? You write,

It is important that a woman’s “noes” be respected and her “yeses” be respected. And it is also important when her nonverbal “yeses” (tongues still touching) conflict with those verbal “noes” that the man not be put in jail for choosing the “yes” over the “no.” He might just be trying to become her fantasy. (p. 315)

It's common for people to think men cannot be raped. When a man says "no" people may interpret this as a mixed message and decide to "become [his] fantasy" and he could be raped.

Also, does this mean that any defendent who can reasonably asert there were mixed messages (or so they thought) should be found "not guilty"? That's a steep burden for prosecutors.

the quote comes from the politics of sex chapter of The Myth of Male Power. The point that "He might just be trying to become her fantasy" comes after a discussion of how romance novels and, in my 2014 edition, books like 50 Shades of Grey--books that are the female fantasy--are rarely titled, "He Stopped When I Said 'No.'" The point is that women's romance novels are still fantasizing the male-female dichotomy of attract/resist versus pursue/persist, and the law is increasingly punishing that as sexual harassment or date rape.

the law is about dichotomy: guilty vs. innocent. male-female sexual attraction is about nuance. the court can't begin to address the nuances of the male-female tango. the male role is punishable by law. women have not been resocialized to share the risks of rejection by expectation, only by option. the male role is being criminalized; the female increasingly has the option of calling his role courtship when she likes it, and taking him to court when she doesn't.

the answer is education about each sex's fears and feelings--and that education being from early junior high school. we need to focus on making adolescence a better preparation for real love within the framework of respect for the differences in our hormones.

the most dangerous thing that's going on in some colleges is saying that a woman who says "yes" but is drunk can say in the morning that she was raped, because she was drunk and wasn't responsible. this is like saying someone who drinks and gets in the car and has an accident is not responsible and shouldn't get a DUI because she or he is drunk. we would never say the guy isn't responsible for raping her because he's drunk. these rules infantalize women and the female role, and criminalize men and the male role.

Mr. Farrell, why did you choose a photograph of a nude woman’s ass for the cover of the new edition of The Myth of Male Power? Do you really think that male power is somehow negated by female sexuality?

a woman above asked this question--i think my answer should be helpful here.

Warren,

Thank you for taking the time to discuss these issues with us! I have a question about your history if you don't mind elaborating a bit.

When you were on the Board of Directors for NOW, what events occurred that caused you to leave that position?

Thanks in advance!

i so love this--being connected to people who care. it gives my life meaning.

re: NOW. I left my Board position in NYC when my former wife became a White House Fellow in D.C.. I moved with her to D.C., becoming, if you will, a "wife of a Fellow." When I returned to NYC, I was noticing the anger toward returning Vietnam soldiers rather than appreciation for their service, and even though I was opposed to the War in Vietnam, I began to feel a gap in our compassion for men. I also noticed that divorces were leaving families without dads. I confronted NOW on the importance of dads, and their response was, "we're an organization for women, not men--and we can't alienate moms who want the option to be the primary parent." I responded that that was like saying we don't want to deprive men of the options for traditional male jobs by sharing them with women. I naively expected to be heard, but I wasn't.

Thank you for the reply! I can only imagine how frustrating that must have been for you.

A follow up if time allows: did you experience any hostility for taking that position? I'm reminded of the experiences Erin Pizzey has shared in her videos so I'm curious if you experienced something similar.

Thank you!

yes, erin pizzey and i experienced very parallel prices for trying to show compassion for men among the feminists who had--until then--supported our efforts. erin's an extraordinary woman.

In your 1994 talk on WMATWTA, you say (at 10:36)

There's no example of people discriminated against more than gay people, with the possible exception of fat women.

How do you feel about the current fat acceptance/thin privilege movement?

gay people, unattractive women, short men, unemployed men, black men driving through wealthy areas and fat people--male or female--are all subject to discrimination. weight is the toughest one to know how to deal with: we know that people who are thinner live much longer, are healthier, etc. Yet our societal emphasis on the beautiful woman being the quasi-anorexic woman is sick and destructive. my first job when i married my wonderful wife, liz, was to work with her to get her daughter (who had just become my step daughter) to enter UCLA for treatment for her anorexia. she shared with me how she was humiliated by being laughed at for being overweight, and felt she could never be too thin. i can hardly think of that without shedding tears.

What are the biggest changes since you originally wrote The Myth of Male Power 20 years ago, and how things are today?

for the first time in U.S. history, more than 50% of children born to mothers under 30 were born outside marriage. this is creating a huge gap between the "dad rich" and the "dad poor". this gap is creating:  More “dad-rich” children—a result of the increased involvement of dads, usually in married families;  More “dad-poor” children—a result of the decreased involvement of dads, usually in non-intact families;

on the good news front:  The image of “deadbeat dad” decreasing; respect for dads who fight for shared parenting increasing;

on the economic front:  The evolution of jobs from muscle to mental—with the growth careers being in the mental—more likely to exclude boys who are less academically oriented;

on the symptom front:  School serial shootings by white males on the increase, with no recognition of why our sons—and not our daughters—are the killers;  VGA—Video game addiction: Our sons are far more likely to be addicted to video games, thus stimulating dopamine when they win in the virtual world and blocking motivation to win in the real world;

as i did the ebook 2014 version, i was struck by how much more comfortable guys are accessing ebooks than wandering psychology sections of bookstores. technology also is allowing me to insert videos into the ebook, and create game apps to accompany the book--things that i couldn't conceive of when i wrote the book originally in 1993 on a few thousand index cards in long hand!!

i hope this helps!

Your book The Myth of Male Power was a required book in one of my Women's Studies classes I took in college. It was not presented in a way of opposition to women's rights but a demonstration that men are hurt by the same sexism that women experience. Calling a man a pussy, demeans men and women as it means being feminine is weak for both genders. However, when I see posts from /r/MensRights it seems that the arguements are that men are being oppressed by women and that women are constantly falsely accusing rape and society is feminising men. I feel that some people take your writtings to far and miss the point, that it shouldn't be a bad thing to have both masculine and feminine attributes. What are your thoughts?

i think everyone should have the courage to access everything that's inside of her or himself: the male, the female; our fears, our courage; the humble, the self-righteous. when we do this we discover our range and hone our ability to adapt--we not only survive, we thrive.

male and female roles create role mates. they deprive us of the opportunity to be soul mates. people who pursue roles do not have power; they have straight jackets.

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you don't necessarily know. and that's why i suggest in The Myth of Male Power that our schools and our parents should not just tell our daughters to say "no" but also to verbally say to a man who is going to far, "i'd prefer to not go further now; if i change my mind I'll be the one to physically initiate so you don't have to keep trying to figure out how long my "no" lasts for, and what body language is a "yes" or a "no." the chapter on the politics of sex offers much more nuance, but i hope this helps for starters.

Hi Warren, what kinds of policies in school and at home do you think drive the boy crisis, and what steps do you think could be taken toward a solution? As a followup, how do we know that this is an issue that should be taken seriously by our society as a whole?

Thanks!

the evidence for a crisis first: this is the first time in u.s. history that our sons will have less education than their dads. boys' suicide rate goes from equal to girls at age 9 to six times girls' in their twenties. in today's ny times there is an excellent article by david leonhart pointing out that boys' social and behavioral skills have a bigger gap between them and girls than to rich vs. the poor, or blacks vs. either asians or caucasians. this crisis exists in virtually every industrialized nation.

as for policies, schools must have more recess, vocational education and sensitivity to boys' needs for movement, as Michael Gurian and Leonard Sax document in their books on boys.

at home, father involvement and boundary enforcement combined with physical activity, rough-housing, nurturing, consistent overnight, hang-out time type of presence, game-playing, teasing, all create skill sets of focus and concentration that are so powerful that children raised by single dads are only half as likely to experience ADHD as children raised by single moms (although this dad-mom gap is not the only factor). these are all documented in my research for Father and Child Reunion.

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people who do personal attacks on the internet accusing me of advocating exactly the opposite of what i believe. specifically, feminists who ideally would be leaders in equality whose power has led them in top universities to be victim to lord acton's maxim that power corrupts; and absolute power corrupts absolutely. gender studies in our universities needs to understand male power and powerlessness; and female power and powerlessness.

Do you believe American government is becoming less responsive to voters? In The Myth of Male Power you note legislators are mostly men, but compared them to chauffers. They're not really in charge because voters can fire them. That was 1993. Today faith in Congress is at record lows, researchers find evidence that voters have little or no influence, and campaign spending has exploded.

If so, then they're not chauffers. Should we worry more about mostly male legislators? "In the first quarter of 2013, states have proposed 694 provisions related to a woman’s body"

the biggest issue trapping legislators' responsiveness is the degree to which legislators must raise huge amounts of money to be elected, and that the very rich and corporations can make a legislator who is in their pocket viable, and make those who aren't people who never make it into the public eye. this is happening to both male and female legislators. the new issue is less the separation of church and state, and more the separation of private wealth and the government. today, that's doing more to undermine democracy for legislators and people of both genders.

Hi Warren, Regarding the many male issues that deserve addressing, you've said that the topic "boys" is one that people tend to take notice of, which makes logical sense. When it comes to adult men's issues, what would you consider is the best tone to use in order to get heard - a gentle approach, loud and abrasive, or something else again?

when an adult man complains, a woman hears "whining" and a woman's biological response is to be turned off: women are more "turned on" by alpha males, not whining males. so if a woman hears a man complain about his fear of rejection when dating, she hears whining and is turned off.

however, if that same woman has a son, who, say, is afraid of rejection by asking out a girl he "loves", her heart opens up. she wants to protect him. toward adult men, her instinct is to seek protection; toward a boy, her instinct is to protect.

communicating men's issues through the fears and feelings and future of our sons opens women's hearts.

the approach that works best is "all of the above." civil rights, the women's movement, gay rights--they all needed shouters, policy makers, academics, computer technicians, marketers, peace makers, demonstrators, risk takers.

there will be a Voice for Men gathering on men's issues in Detroit on June 25-27. i and many other leaders and thinkers will be there. one thing i and others will be doing is organizing all of us to play a role and see the need for each of us to respect and revere the contributions made by different personalities and talents.

women are more "turned on" by alpha males

What is an "alpha male"? Are you being tautologous (ie, alpha males are males that turn women on) or does it mean something else (ie, a "Red Pill" definition)?

by alpha male i mean a male who performs the most effectively in whatever value system appeals to the women to whom he is attracted. a female interested in a certain type of music will find the lead musician of that type of music an alpha male, but may not find a leading academic to be that alpha--and vice versa. when i was a leading male feminist, i sometimes mocked myself as the "biggest jock in the sensitivity group." !

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you're probably referring to my term "genetic celebrity" in The Myth of Male Power that I use to point out that the beautiful young woman has celebrity status to a heterosexual man. i'm suggesting not that men have no control, but that the experience of the heterosexual male is a little like the experience of a woman seeing Brad Pitt standing next to her at a party.

i want my readers to appreciate how much men love women by so often resisting the temptation to pursue what they are so attracted to. and that the control men exert so often is out of the love for a woman who is his primary partner. it is any intimacy she may provide that counters the temptation and fosters loyalty.

men do "cheat" but for each man who cheats, a woman cheats with him. the more a man can articulate what he feels, and a woman listens with an open heart, the more she addresses his primary need for intimacy, and the more he will want to be there for her, and be with her.

Mr. Farrel I'm trying to explain to my friends how the wage gap is a myth. Can you please provide me with some concrete evidence proving this.

when i did the research for a book called Why Men Earn More: The Startling Truth Behind the Pay Gap and What Women Can Do About It, i discovered that there are 25 differences between men and women's work-life choices that account for the pay gap. all of men's choices lead to men earning more; women's choices lead to a more balanced life--usually a happier life. The road to high pay is a toll road. It's tradeoffs; it's seeing less of your family. fulfilling jobs on average pay less (e.g., "starving artist")

Women who have never been married and never had children out earn their male counterparts by 17%. even when education, hours worked and years worked are controlled for. men are more likely to take hazardous jobs, move upon demand, travel during weekends, etc.. the gap is not about men vs women, it is about dads vs. moms. when women become moms they are more likely to divide their labor between work and home; their husbands deepen their commitment to work. if companies could pay women less for the same work, who would hire a man? this is just the tip of the iceberg!...

This implies that none of the data supporting the wage gap compares apples to apples, that is, the same job, same qualifications, same time investment, and yet different pay between men and women. Is that the case?

Edit: Not trying to be confrontational, I legitimately don't know.

good question.

in fact, the wage gap data compares apples to oranges even when it appears to be comparing apples to apples. for example, on the surface, male doctors earn more than female doctors. seems like apples to apples. but "doctors" include cardiac surgeons and GPs. the surgeons earn much more, male or female, but a male is more likely to be a surgeon. however, when we compare two cardiac surgeons, the gender pay gap is greatly reduced, but there's still a small gap. it reduces further when the male and female cardiac surgeon work equal number of years, are both in the same type of practice, have equal publications, etc. Then the gender pay gap disappears.

in some professions, where males are in greater supply, the women out earn the men. for example, female sales engineers earn 141% of that earned by male sales engineers.

most important, there are about 25 decisions that any woman can make to out earn the average male. that's why i felt my "Why Men Earn More--and What women can do about It" book would be so empowering to women.

reinforcing that the gender pay gap is about discrimination is not only false, but is very hurtful to a young couple who might otherwise consider when they have children to have the woman work full time while the dad takes care of the children full time. that arrangement, by the way, on average, leads to the woman doing exceptionally well in her career, and the children being raised with exceptional chances of optimal well-being. (on the latter point, the documentation is in Father and Child Reunion.)

How does a man get out of 'failure to launch' mode?

first, by being physically active. second, eating healthfully. third, finding and nurturing relationships. fourth, meeting people in person. combining the above--taking walks with friends in parks rather than having drinks with strangers in bars weaning oneself from video games and video porn get some love from pets, but don't limit yourself to pets. listen to others much more than you speak yourself.

i hope this helps for starters.

Dr. Farrell, I wrote to you almost a year ago as a frustrated male graduate student in Sociology. I had read Myth of Male Power and it answered so many of the concerns that I had with the Sociological/Feminist worldview of gender politics.

You told me to get out -- and I did. I am now happily pursuing a career in middle school education with the hopes that I can educate and mentor children (especially boys) during a critical time in their lives and development. I am also planning to travel and see the world before settling down into a career.

No question, really. I just wanted to thank you for giving me the advice I knew I needed at the time. I still research and write about gender issues, but I do it outside of the academic establishment.

Keep up the good work, and thanks again!

you touch my heart knowing i had an impact on your mental health and life happiness. thank you for sharing.

why don't you come to the international men's conference that the a Voice for Men is doing in detroit on june 25-27. you'll get a lot of support there. and please introduce yourself.

also, the NCFM (National Coalition for Men) is doing balanced and effective work.

Dr. Farrell, what is your position on Routine Infant Circumcision (RIC) in the United States?

circumcision should not be routine for boys any more than genital mutilation is for girls. countries that do not make circumcision part of their expectation have children that seem to fare very well. what is really needed is better studies on the long term impact of early circumcision trauma. for more on this, google Seven Svoboda.

Thanks for both the response and the reference!

EDIT: Could you have meant Steven Svoboda? Seven Svoboda brings up no immediate results, but this is the wiki page I found for "Steven":

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/J._Steven_Svoboda

yes. steven. my typo.

Your subject is controversial to say the least. I was wondering how that impacted publishing your book. Is it self-published, or did you find a publisher that was willing to publish your books? And if so, was it because they believed in your message or because they thought it would have an audience?

^{not a typical question I know}

The Myth of Male Power got published easily and by Simon and Schuster because the book prior to it--Why Men Are the Way they Are--sold so well, due, in part, to Oprah's support. However, The Myth sold much less well, and that led to my getting published by smaller and smaller publishers. The more I articulated boys' and men's issues, the less well my books sold.

Hello, Dr. Farrell. The last time you did an AMA here, over a year ago, I asked the following question, which I have re-phrased owing to a problem with reddit's spam filters, and expanded upon somewhat:

Dr Farrell, what are your views on the online ‘Men’s Rights Movement’. Do you view them as fellow travellers? What are your thoughts on the violent rhetoric ‘Men’s Rights Activists’ often employ, for example this quote by Paul Elam of 'A Voice for Men':

[not satire]In that light, every one of those women at Jezebel and millions of others across the western world are as deserving of a righteous ass kicking as any human being can be. But it isn’t worth the time behind bars or the abuse of anger management training that men must endure if they are uppity enough to defend themselves from female attackers.

The better option is to kick her to the curb, figuratively speaking, and hopefully move on to some better choices. Besides, violence in self defense should be in some way commensurate with the violence of the attack.

I will say this, though. To all the men out there that decided to say “Damn the consequences,” and fight back, you are hero’s to the cause of equality; true feminists. And you are the honorary Kings of Bash a Violent Bitch Month. You are living proof of just how hollow “don’t fuck with us,” rings from the mouths of bullies and hypocrites.

This quote being the apparently 'non-satirical' of an article in which he says 'satirically':

That’s it. In the name of equality and fairness, I am proclaiming October to be Bash a Violent Bitch Month.

I’d like to make it the objective for the remainder of this month, and all the Octobers that follow, for men who are being attacked and physically abused by women - to beat the living shit out of them. I don’t mean subdue them, or deliver an open handed pop on the face to get them to settle down. I mean literally to grab them by the hair and smack their face against the wall till the smugness of beating on someone because you know they won’t fight back drains from their nose with a few million red corpuscles.

And then make them clean up the mess.

Do you feel that this sort of rhetoric, and the general failure of others in the 'Mens Rights Movement' to criticise such rhetoric, harms your cause or the cause of any who identify as ‘masculinists’, ‘men’s rights activists’ or any related terms? Would you like to take an opportunity to repudiate such rhetoric and those who indulge in it?

You did not respond a year ago, and I am still interested in hearing your answer.

you make a good point. and this is definitely very different from my style. i remember when i was on the board of NOW in NYC that Valerie Solanas' book, The SCUM Manifesto (SCUM standing for Society for Cutting Up Men) was published and popular among feminists. I didn't approve--and Valerie later shot Andy Warhol--but I didn't try to discount the positive contributions of feminism based on my feeling that she went way too far.

as i mention in my answer to a similar question above on what is most functional for a movement--it takes many different forms of expression. although the quote doesn't show this, Paul is a caring human and provides opportunities for more radical moderates like myself to share a different way of moving the movement forward. he's invited speakers to the AVfM's Detroit conference on men's issues in June who are mainstream senators (Anne Cools) and journalists (Barbara Kay). Few people could be more lovable than another speaker, Tom Golden--and I think you'll find Paul himself has been speaking far more gently lately. :)

Dr. Farrell

First, thank you for so many years dedicating to your work.

Some questions for you. Do you think the men's movement is gaining momentum and if so why? How do you see things unfolding in the next few years if we are to gain momentum and succeed in creating the pressure needed to make changes that address problems faced by men and boys?

yes, the men's movement is gaining momentum. two main reasons: boys and men's plight is so serious that boys and men are today psychologically and socially where girls and women were 25-40 years ago. second, the internet is allowing an alternative to the mainstream media's assumption that men have the power by helping people understand that the most important definition of power is "control over one's life" and men today have less of that than women. two wonderful examples of the internet increasing this awareness is reddit men's rights, and the A Voice for Men's MANstream media. When I suggested this name--MANstream media--to Paul Elam and Tom Golden of AVfM, we both realized it was so needed as an alternative to the mainstream media. (Paul, Tom and I are doing a monthly Google hang-out with the MANstream Media label--would love to have you join us.)

I'm a huge fan and I love your work. Thanks for doing another AMA. And thanks for everything you've done to bring awareness to the issues men face.

If you were sitting next to a child on a flight and were asked to move, how would you respond? Is that also the recommended response?

What do you believe is the biggest issue facing men today? What's the solution?

I may not be phrasing this question the way I want, but why are some people against including men in the pursuit of equal rights?

thank you for your appreciation.

re: if i were asked to move on a flight because i was a man, i would do so, but then i'd get in touch with my feelings, sadness and potential shame. with those feelings, i'd talk gently about them to the flight attendants; write to the airlines, and write a column on it. i'd ask moms to imagine how they would feel if their son told them they'd been asked to move because he is a man...

the biggest issue facing men today is the attitude toward men--that men have the power, and that we've made the rules to benefit men at the expense of women. we have to clarify how wrong that thinking is: that the biological programming of men was to make rules that require men to risk death (male only draft registration and hazardous jobs) to make lives better for women and our children.

we need to make it clear that the road to high pay is a toll road. we need to challenge the underlying attitude that when a man makes money he's privileged and when he doesn't make money he's a loser and invisible to women. men must refuse to fight against the implicit definition of power we've accepted: that power is feeling obligated to earn money someone else spends while we die sooner. women can't hear what men don't say.

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Be a good listener. No. Be a great listener--meaning no matter how deep or personal or vitriolic the attack, see the need to be heard being greatest among people who are the angriest. see anger as vulnerability's mask. tap into the pain. let them know what you've heard her or him say.ask if you've distorted anything. ask if you missed anything. ask if there's anything else they'd like to add, and hope they feel safe enough to add something more.