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IamA [There was interest in this] Coma survivor, this is what it was like. AMA!
Apologies to the kind citizens of Reddit. I was asleep for the past three and a half hours. I don't have the capability to keep a normal sleep schedule anymore, it's one of the harder parts of being better.
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Reposts are bad, but you are not bad. You are not stupid. I am not stupid.
This video matters, it means something. It is not stupid. Please watch it. Thank you.
This video. I've come to realize this may come off as me, this isn't me. Sadly this wonderful man killed himself soon after this video. His testament lives on though, through us. You matter, we matter.
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From this post I made a reply here, through the thread I noticed many questions and many requests for an AMA to be done. So, here I am, in all my glory.
<story>
I was a pedestrian, hit by a car. I contest she was drunk. Obviously they contest she was not. The officer gave her 3 hours before getting her bac, and with her own statement of how much was drank + ate + rested etc, and using medically accepted equations: she was over .08.
Anyway, to what we're here for. In the original thread I made the following comment
1.5 weeks in a coma
3 weeks in a "delirium coma" [I don't even know if that's the proper term]
Delirium coma: I was "talking", and responding to high level stimulii. I did things under my own volition, although I was restrained to a bed. I remember nothing of any of the two comas, except [explained below].
The only thing I remember was that I had passed my classes, and had moved to a new apartment. [those two things weren't real happenings, they were coma events] Which was a new project, an old warehouse being rebuilt into a mid to upper class housing. In that residence as a worker was one of the nurses. But he wasn't a worker, more of a staff member if that makes sense, he was a person I recall, I can not pinpoint from what.
Anyway, not to end abruptly but this is hard. I've never gone over it before.
To answer the posed question: I had no idea what amount of time passed. But it wasn't like years or anything. It wasn't even months. I was surprised in the fact that I miss[ed] it, I had no idea where I was, why was I in a wheelchair. Why was I restrained in the wheelchair [common].
I will add to that if I'm able. In addition to that, these comments as well;
Also hit by a car. I also have those alone moments. I have also said that exact same phrase, word for word. In fact, it goes through my head literally 100% of the day. There's no way to not wish it.
e: and there I go :( I haven't been able to cry since my injury, but all I want to do is cry right now.
...
It's not that I don't want to. I physically cannot bring myself to it. I've wished some pretty awful things on people before, that is purely visceral despair, it dwarfs anything I've read about, or seen, or imagined which was meant to evoke anything visceral; there is nothing like it, I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But thanks.
...
It gets worse. You know how they say a good player at chess looks a few moves ahead for a small number of pieces, and grand master of chess look a lot of moves ahead for all the pieces? If I leave the house I worry about every interaction that could happen, every event that could happen, for hours, and the events they could spawn which happen days away. It's quickly driving me mad. My calmest is something I would have considered absolutely unbearable pre-injury, and now it's a relief.
Ex: If I walk outside right now at 2:42 am, I think about what if my 84ish year old neighbor with cancer would think if he saw me. Then what his wife would think if he told her. And what his kids would think if she told them. And what his kids would think if he told them. I know it will never matter, I've never even met any of his kids, I rarely see his wife anymore. I rarely see him anymore. Yet... what if?
Wow. It's taken forever on my horrible formatting to get this far, and I still have yet to expand on the story.
Here it is:
Preface:
Dr.s gave the odds of significant to 100% I would lose my leg. Witnesses to me in the street say that it was bent so much it was like a candy cane. I was also given a more than 50% chance to never walk again, even if I kept my leg. That due to the 50% chance was me being bed stricken forever. I also had a high chance of never talking again. With this, never being able to take care of myself, wipe my own ass, eat my own food. I can now go to school again, work again, form relationships again, question things again.
Story:
In the first quoted post of mine, I mentioned believing I was in a newly renovated apartment complex. Time isn't a thing in my coma event. "just happened/happening" is the best way I can describe it. There was now sense of the flow of time, but it wasn't sped up or slowed down because of it. There was no night and day, but there were different parts of different days. Non-confusing: days didn't come and go in 24 [23.96 for all you pedants] hours. They went by as <morning><afternoon><night> but there was no necessary order to them. This confuses me to this day. How on fucking earth did my brain cope with such weirdness. Oh, there was no such thing as sleep, literally no such thing as sleep, for anyone. No one slept, I never slept, time periods mentioned above just happened and passed. That's not to say time was instant, quicker, or speedier, but moments didn't have gaps between them. There was no "downtime". As with sleep, boredom wasn't a thing. I can't think of, or recall a period of time in which something wasn't being done. As is noted about the guy in the coma who I liken to one of the nurses, he was a common staple. Also as was mentioned, the newly remodeled apartment - think of design, think of that steely, concretey, industrial type design: it was that; it was that but it was more unfinished. My room/living area was "finished", it was like something from half-life 4 [Gabe?]. It was as post apocalyptic of a scene as I can imagine. It was all simple, all minimalist, and all industrialist. Another person I remember, and remember having conversations with, I don't remember the conversations. Some asian girl who I can't liken to anyone. She kind of looked like the protagonist from mirror's edge. I don't have a name. The guy I liken to the nurse actually had a name while in my coma, it was actually his name, this freaks me the fuck out. As far as I can gather it means I still took in external information. It was Nate. Not only was that common, but events that happened in real life, correlated to happenings in my coma. I peed myself in the coma, I peed myself in the ER unit I was in. Nate cleaned it up, and helped in both instances. I ACTUALLY GOT DRUNK, in a fucking coma/dream. I felt drunk, I don't remember most of it; as if I was actually drunk.
This is making me scare now, and nervous. I haven't gone this far through it alone. If you have any questions. Ask. I will try to answer as many as I can, be aware though: I might take a bit to answer them, I think about things way too much and get caught up on minute, insignificant details. This post has take 2 hours to make, in just the typing/reciting sense.
</story>
++++++++++++++++++++++++++UPDATE
While in the coma, both parts, anything I can recall. I had the eerie feeling I was dead. It terrifies me. I still feel it. It's this pulling in your mind. I'd liken it to pulling on your soul, as if it has a physical manifestation inside your body which can be "pulled" at. Think of those video games where a spirit is pulled from a body, like that. It's absolutely gut wrenching when it's bad and I focus on it, which is whenever I'm bored. I haven't told anyone this, ever. I don't even know how to explain it without scaring myself. I don't even like to think about it. The way to handle it, is to ignore it. Ignoring it comes with ignoring me being a person.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++/UPDATE
It's just pics, but I haven't a scanner, nor access to my medical documents, my decider maker [dad] has all that.
Dear friendly neighbor hood moderators. I hope me in a hospital is enough. Pictures of me in the deep "sleep" coma are not existent. My family and friends worried about other things.