John Hodgman

HERE I AM

Put it in a tupperware container. Seal that with wax or goose grease. Wrap it in cheesecloth. Bury it in earth from a graveyard. Stand watch for 30 days with a red candle burning constantly. Or else buy five new copies of THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE.

OK

You refer to the brilliant twitter joke that someone made asking if I was growing my mustache to star in the movie PRINGLES. I wish I knew who that person was. He/she = genius.

I cannot attend your wedding, I'm afraid, unless you pay me MIGHTILY in gin, lamb chops, and sword canes. CONGRATULATIONS!

I am sorry everyone that our time is up. This was tremendous fun--I thank you.

Apologies to those still waiting for answers. Now that the world has not ended, I realize that sometimes answers never come, and it's not the end of the world.

I urge people to not tattoo themselves with images from my books, as such things are permanent, and it will also cause them to summon demons.

But I must inform you that that picture has been my desktop image for years ever since I saw it on twitter.

YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS MY DESKTOP IMAGE.

First of all, thank you for explaining Reggie's comfy chair joke to me. I honestly missed that subtext. Reggie is a genius. And that guy in the front row sure enjoyed the show. Even though he was a little disruptive, it was clearly out of enthusiasm.

Hecklers want to be part of the show. Usually they are also intoxicated to the point that they don't realize that they are not on stage. Paul F Tompkins was the absolute best at handling this situation at Bumbershoot last year, essentially befriending the dude and explaining the basic conventions of theater and why they exist.

It was amazing to watch, but also painful. I think everyone would have preferred just letting Paul do his act.

Good Malort to you.

Never anything offensive. And crazy is what we want for the show. The only ones that we can't really here are:

1) DISPUTES WITH ONESELF (too referential) 2) DISPUTES WITH WORLD GOVERNMENTS OR VAGUE PHILOSOPHIES (too psychotic) 3) DISPUTES WITH ME (I am never wrong).

All my research for that performance derived from this single interview Ayn Rand gave to Phil Donohue in or around 1980.

You may review it HERE.

You will see that she did INDEED like Charlie's Angels. That was not my invention.

Sean Connery's mustache was bigger than his bathing suit.