I am Cracked.com columnist and video writer/performer Cody Johnston. AMA

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No, but only because I haven't learned anything.

Is Gladstone as much fun in real life as he isn't everywhere else?

Gladstone is very giggly in real life. He likes to giggle. My only complaint is that he constantly carries around a greenscreen and video camera asking me to countdown all the numbers I hate. It's frustrating because I love all numbers.

How often are you behind deadline because you got lost in Soren's eyes?

I'll get to this question later. Soren just walked in and I...

How much will you admit the average Cracked writer borrows from Reddit and other sources when coming up with daily content?

Also, what's your favorite Christmas song?

More than most, probably. Just like how Reddit learns things from posters on Facebook (and, yes, Cracked), everyone on the Internet gets inspiration from everywhere else on the Internet. Our writers get their information from all over the place, including Reddit, but I think a more important question is "How often do you source your information in your articles?" and the answer to that is "Always." If someone learned something on a Reddit thread, it will be sourced. For example, Daniel O'Brien learned on Reddit that the word "Ewok" is never uttered in Return of the Jedi, and that inspired this article. He clearly states that he saw it on Reddit, and he came up with many other entries on his own. We also have strict rules about how many entries can come from the same source: 1. We would never run an article where two entries are taken from the same place, including Reddit. There are tons of websites I could name that run articles where every single item is just taken from Reddit, then at the end they put "Inspired by this Reddit thread!" We are not one of those sites.

"All I Want For Christmas is You" by anyone who is singing it at the time.

So at the end of Lost, were they in purgatory the whole time or what?

Yes. The pilot episode was just the dreams of their angels' ghosts.

how long does writing + publishing an article usually take? I love cracked

An article can take between weeks and months to get published. Our editorial process is meticulous and brutal, despite the prevalence of jokes about pooping, dicks, vaginas, butts, and pooping butts. If four out of five entries are good but the fifth isn't sitting right with our editorial team, it will be rejected until everything is perfect. Some articles don't take long, but some will sit in our workshop for months being rewritten and further researched until everyone is happy with it.

How do the titles get ruined so much through that editorial process? Particularly with photoplasties.

I heard somewhere that they just give articles titles that sound interesting (regardless of whether or not it is misleading) so the article will get more page views. More page views = more ad views= more revenue.

Read what Brockway (gomijin) said when he stole my fucking thunder. The titles are generated based on the content, and are voted on by everyone on the team. We in no way intentionally mislead anyone, or "trick" people into clicking. We just think, "This accurately describes the article and I'd click on it. Let's use that one."

Which writers/editors are the easiest to get along with, and why? The hardest, and why?

In terms of writers who live in my current city, I get along really well with Swaim and Daniel and Soren. Before I moved here, Cracked flew me out for a week in December to make videos with the team. I got to the office on Thursday night and everyone was filming the Christmas special for Agents of Cracked. I felt immediately at home, as if I was a friend who just came back from a trip. We are good friends. In terms of out-of-towners, Seanbaby is the nicest person I've ever met and he smiles more than most pictures of people smiling. I haven't met a lot of the other out of town writers, like Kristi Harrison or John Cheese, but I imagine they (like all our writers) are lovely people. I've met David Wong and he is a semi-intimidating genius, as one would expect.

If I may, I want to quote an article a friend of mine wrote about cracked (here is the link: http://jaythenerdkid.wordpress.com/2013/11/05/an-open-letter-to-my-favourite-humour-website-in-the-world/)

"There are loads of things I love about you. Obviously, the dick jokes rank near the top, along with all the titties. But I also love that you manage to deploy humour the way it’s meant to be used: pointing upwards. You don’t take cheap shots at people of colour, you don’t mock the disabled, and you’re actually pretty damn feminist for a website run mostly by dudes. I have found better feminism in some of your timeless list-based humour than I have on websites run by actual self-proclaimed feminists. That’s pretty freaking impressive. You really get it, you know? You get that jokes are funnier, cleverer and about ten thousand times less douche-y when they challenge the status quo. If we could lock Daniel Tosh in a room with all of you and not let him come out for a month, I think he might actually emerge as a half-decent comedian."

So my question for you guys is, why are you guys so great when it comes to social issues? I have been able to use Cracked articles of several classes, one of them was a class about the ethics of poverty (I used John Cheese's articles about his experience being poor). Does Cracked do all these articles and videos just because your writers want too or is there more to it? Once again thank you for these articles, the humor you guys use to address these things are very effective and helped me understand a lot of things better.

I do want to say though, the friend I am quoting does wish if you could not use as many hooker jokes and the term retarded, but there is up to you guys.

Thank you for the kind words and praise. My only explanation is that we have such smart, funny, kind, talented writers on the site. I can't say that there's a conscious effort to be "feminist" or "not racist", but it just so happens that we are those things. Everything on the site was pitched by someone (a full-time writer or freelancer), and they pitch it because they want to write it, whether it's because they think it's important or they just think it could be a funny and interesting piece. We're all good people, so I think we are all just interested in writing about good people things.

I will take the retarded thing into consideration.

Where did the inspiration for Dr. Scott Bug come from?

Professional Dr. Scott Bug was inspired by a long weekend of pet-sitting for Swaim and sitting on his couch watching Wonders of the Universe with Brian Cox (the physicist, not the actor). Our director Abe and I are big fans, and I highly recommend it. After the long weekend I came to our weekly editorial meeting and said "I want to do a video where it's this guy, and he does this voice, and he says things like this," and for some reason everyone let me.

EDIT: Professor Brian Cox was not in X-Men 2 and has never played King Lear.

Do you work in an actual cubicle with all the other cracked superstars? How many panties does Soren Bowie vaporize on a daily basis? Is it possible to give John Cheese a high five for me while making intense inappropriate eye contact? Where do you fit in in this rowdy gang? I've seen your skits and now your face is associated with good things in my subconscious.

We have Cracked writers spread across the globe, and only some live in LA and work in an office together. Daniel and Jack O'Brien live here, but David Wong and John Cheese live in Illinois. Robert Evans moved here recently, but Kristi Harrison didn't. It's a hodgepodge, and the environment is fun even though we all work really hard. We also share the space with our dev team, so we can't get TOO rowdy. I fit in by being the guy who comes in at noon.

Soren's Facebook inbox is literally filled with butts.

Any updates on the MyTemple app?

It is sadly currently on hiatus because our artist had to drop out due to unforeseen circumstances. It is still in the back of our minds, though. Glad someone else is still thinking about it, too!

With Marvels of the Science, have you gotten compliments from the science community? Brian Cox in particular? Your series is one of my favorites on Cracked. Thanks for making it!

I've gotten a few messages from science teachers who enjoy it and have even shown it to their classes. But sadly, no "prominent" figures in the science community have mentioned it yet. Please kidnap Brian Cox and Neil deGrasse Tyson and force them to watch it. Thank you.

And thanks for watching it. It's probably my favorite series to make.

Thank you for making me laugh, Cody.

Hi! You are super welcome! Thanks for reading/watching!

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Marinara or A-1, depending on the meal.

What jobs/experiences did you have before being a Cracked Columnist that helped you to get that job?

The best job I ever had was probably doing data entry in the payroll department of a temp agency in Ohio. Because all I did was simple math all day, it allowed the other half of my brain to be free and wander and write (don't worry, the temps always got paid on time). Throughout the day I would update a word document of writings and video ideas, and when I got home I would publish something or work on the video. It was maybe the most prolific writing period of my life, and because of it, I eventually got an email from Dan O'Brien asking me to write for the site. Also I did improv throughout high school and college, and taught myself After Effects and things like that. But mostly it's the data entry thing.

Are you the one that was a raging alcoholic?

Yeah. Was...

How can you accurately rate the humour of your own articles, is it a skill you develop over time?

I'm not sure I can accurately rate it. But if I re-read something from a year ago and it surprises me and makes me laugh, then I guess it was a pretty good one.

What's up Cody? I love Cracked.com and Afterhours which I beleive you write. When I see on the afterhours videos that this writer is the "brain of Michael" or Dan or Soren, does that mean they are just sort of puppets or do they get any creative input for the video?

The "brain" is always the artist for each actor's thoughts/animations. For example, Anthony Clark (Nedroid) draws Daniel's thoughts. Cracked columnist Winston Rowntree (Virus Comix) draws Michael's brain. Before we shoot each episode, we have an animation meeting where we decide on what jokes/bits we'll have animated in the episode. I send out the ideas to our artists and they give feedback or they just draw what's in the description. So they have creative input since they're the ones drawing them, but the actual ideas come from that animation meeting. There's always pizza, so it's a pretty good meeting.

Any more Game Helpin' Squad coming anytime? Loved World Quester 2!

Thank you for the question! Great to know people still remember that series. I have tons of ideas for more and hopefully I will get to them one day. The problem with that series is that it's all made by me, and it takes forever. It involves not only creating a completely fake game, but animating it and "playing" the game and then adding tons of hidden chatbox jokes and stuff. Each episode is a huge endeavor, and my other Cracked duties are more pressing right now. But I have not forgotten about it, and will have more episodes out eventually.

Does writing the articles ever completely change your views on something you initially loved or despised?

Writing something doesn't usually change my views, because I always have a pretty solid idea and background before I start. Anything new I find usually just reinforces what I already knew. But reading other articles on the site do, certainly. I learn a lot just from working here.

Hey Cody!! Big fan, love all of your articles and I am the most devoted Cracked reader you'll ever meet.

I just wanted to ask you what you think is your best article? And what would you say is your favorite subject to cover?

Thanks!

My "best" article is probably the one where I predicted the ending of Dark Knight Rises eight months before the film came out. I spent way too many days thinking and talking about Batman at the time, and it resulted in concluding that Bruce Wayne would die and he would pass on the Bat-mantle do JGL's character. It turns out I was technically wrong, but only because Nolan's version is worse than mine. RIP Bruce Wayne.

I also really liked my thing about the Mars rover launch. I like space, and writing about space.

Aside from space, my favorite subject is the ridiculous and absurd, like this silly Harry Potter fuck fiction.

As a person who enjoys your comedy stylings, why don't you talk more about Star Wars?

Eh?

Bobby feets.

Thank you for continuing to spread the legend of Bubba Feets. Unfortunately for our audience and my friends, I will probably never stop talking about Star Wars. I'm currently writing another Star Wars episode of After Hours, and developing a series that will quickly and efficiently make the Star Wars prequels pretty good. Also, just last week the video team went to the woods in Idyllwild and filmed a three-part narrative series loosely based in the Star Wars universe. I'm very excited about that, it will look amazing and it's full of my dumb jokes. Everyone is so damn funny in it. Here are a few pictures, because it probably won't come out for months.

Any good poop stories?

Yep. This one time I pooped wrong for my entire life.

How does it feel to be responsible for half of TIL's content.

Half good. The other half wishes Reddit would just admit that they actually like and read Cracked.

We all know how you feel about Buzzfeed's "articles", but what's your opinion on the heart-string tugging, "make sure everybody is happy content" posts from Upworthy?

I have similar feelings, but don't ask me. Just ask someone's gay corgi who told this female Israeli soldier she couldn't be a paraplegic kitten, because her response will make you literally the happiest you've ever been in your whole fucking life.

I have a problem with any sort of publication that orders me how to feel or what to do. The other day I saw something on HuffPo or Buzzfeed and the title was "You Have To Click This." Literally just that, I swear. No hint of what it was or why I had to click. Just a DIRECT ORDER to click on their link. It's infuriating.

Hi, would Micheal Swaim let anyone/anybody touch his beard?

Only if you have a beard equal to or greater than his.

Okay, as a starting and ambitious author, there is one thing that really is on my mind, and might help me get better as an author, perhaps.

So, my question is more of a hypothetical kind, as in, it may or may not apply to you, but I'd really like your opinion on this. It might give me some insight in various things.

So my question is this. What is it exactly that would bring a person with a decent degree of fame to actually go online and answer a bunch of questions?

Naw, just kidding, my actual question is, if you had the choice to date either a vampire or werewolf, which one would you pick?

What time of the month is it?

How come you don't know how to draw an alien? Do you consider this a failure on the part of our public school system?

no i wint to skool n i turned out fin

When is The Bernards reunion?

2015! The "The Joke Didn't Go Far Enough" Tour!

http://thebernards.bandcamp.com/album/the-joke-went-too-far

This was Cody's (actually quite good) college band:

http://thebernards.bandcamp.com/album/the-joke-went-too-far

(we miss you Cody; keep making us proud)

I miss you all, too! I'm keeping an eye on all of your doings. You're all in such better bands now!

Hi Cody, any hints on what your best movie/game/song of the year will be for the yearly "best of" list you guys do now?

We're actually doing a different thing for our year-ender this time around. Stay tuned, though, all the writers involved are excited about it.

But I really liked Gravity.

What is it that spurs your passion for writing?

Probably because I like it when people like me.

(Also it's fun and occasionally meaningful.)

Has the Cracked staff ever considered writing content for schools? I would love to infuse some humor in our courses.

I like to think we already do write content for schools, the schools just have to be okay with a little profanity. And our new book The De-Textbook is exactly that, presented as a textbook you might get in school because it's full of information we wish we'd been taught in schools. Everyone at the site is an information junkie, and we love learning and teaching things that were left out when we were in school. Things that are way more interesting than the stuff that was actually taught. It's "The stuff you didn't know about the stuff you thought you knew" and I highly recommend you buy 2 copies for each of your students, and 2 backup copies for each of your students. Also? Shit-cunting cock-fucker.

How do you do that thing you do? You know...the thing?

Because I try and try to forget you, girl, but it's just so hard to do.

If all the writers at Cracked were to have a death match who would win it and why?

You, the readers, because I'm pandering.

When did you first discover your talent for voices? You're obviously a jack of all trades (don't tell O'Brian), what did you first do with Cracked?

I think the voice thing was always there in my life. I remember when I was very young my dad used to do some voices on the local radio. Also my brother and sister and I had tons tons tons of stuffed animals. We would make up names and voices and personalities for each and do stupid shit with them. Like most kids, I got a TalkBoy and recorded a fake radio show for my own enjoyment. So it was always a fun thing I did.

The first thing I officially did for Cracked was either this thing about the Epic Movie guys or this fake Dave Matthews Band song. So yeah. Always with the voices.

Hi Cody! I just wanted to let you know that I've been a big fan of yours for quite some time, and I especially enjoy the Cracked videos you star in. I think "The Startup" is hilarious . . . are you guys still doing those? Thanks for doing this AMA!

Hey, thanks! We'll probably keep making episodes of The Startup, but there's nothing scheduled. It's a fun thing to make, and it's very easy to make, but we've just got other things that are more pressing. If someone has an idea for an episode, we'll write it and film it and put it up. It's the kind of show that lends itself to a quick turnaround. So maybe you'll get on the site in a month and there will be a new one, or maybe it will be the month after that.

How did you get started with Cracked? What do you like about it?

I started about four years ago when I lived in Ohio. All of my friends got real jobs and I wanted to keep making videos, so I taught myself After Effects and made crude videos, a lot of which were about ABC's LOST. I would write during my day job in a payroll department, and I would make videos at night, posting them in Cracked's video submission forum and my own blog. One day I got an email from Dan O'Brien basically saying, "None of us watch Lost, but we're pretty sure you're funny. Please make stuff for us that's not about Lost." So I did that, and things snowballed from there.

I like that I can make jokes all day with my friends and get money for it.

How captivating is Soren Bowie in real life? I hear he's fucking majestic.

Soren isn't as great as he seems on film. He's actually just a bunch of gerbils glued together. The camera adds ten pounds of charm.

What is your favourite non-Cracked website?

I enjoy The Onion AVClub (and The Onion itself), certain parts of Reddit, various science blogs, the part of Tumblr that doesn't let tweens in, and Wimp.

The videos you do are really fantastic. Who is your favorite person to work with in them? What kind of work with film did you have before Cracked?

Also, how does it feel to be the Pope?

This sounds like a cop-out answer, but I really can't choose a favorite person. Our video team is lean, and awesome, and talented and funny and kind. Everyone's got their own qualities that make them excellent coworkers and friends. I can find something new and interesting and funny in a scene with Soren or Michael or Dan or Katy/ie, and it will be different for each, but each will be good. Every combination has a different dynamic and no combination is the "right" one. So I'll just say it's Dan.

Before Cracked, all I did was make videos with my friends in high school and college. They're probably on YouTube somewhere and terrible. The only "schooling" I ever got was watching free tutorials online to figure out how to use After Effects.

It's not as good to be the Pope as it is to be the King, but it's still good to be the Pope.

Thank you for agreeing to do an AMA, Cody!

As a long-time follower of Cracked videos, I have to say your rendition of the first Pope is an all-time stand-out for me. Just perfect.

Also, when putting together the videos for certain segments, is the role dependent upon the writing, or do each of you get to decide how you're going to read a scene?

Also, do you guys all like...hang out? Like...do you and D.O.B and Swaim and Katie and Soren get together after work for drinks and Cards Against Humanity? Or do you guys leave work at work?

Thanks for Poping! Pope ya later!

The role is dependent on many variables. Sometimes a writer will write a role with a specific performer in mind, knowing what the actor will bring to it. The director (usually Abe Epperson or Adam Ganser) will give their own thoughts to the actor and push them in the right direction. A performer will also bring their own ideas (Michael will often have all of his beats figured out before he even gets to set). Also, the set is usually pretty loose, so if Daniel has a suggestion for me on set, he'll give it to me and I'll tell him to go fuck himself in his stupid fucking face don't tell me how to do it Dan I'll do it myself. Or I'll take his suggestion and we'll play around with it.

We do hang out! We're all good friends like everyone hopes. This past Sunday some people (specifically Daniel, Soren, and Adam) went to a bar to watch football because we're in a fantasy league together. That night some of us (Michael, Abe, myself, Katy Stoll, Breandan Carter and Noah Burne) had a game night and played Betrayal at House on the Hill. Other times we do other things.

How is your friend Brian Williams (from the news) doing?

I wouldn't say we're buddies (he's actually pretty annoying to have as a Facebook friend), but he's not doing so well. Aside from the little joys in life (jammies, candy, sleeping, etc.), I think he's pretty sad. I mean, he has to read the news every single day. The news is pretty sad.

http://www.twitter.com/bwilliamstweets

http://www.facebook.com/brianwillams

How many of the people published by Cracked.com work in the Cracked offices and how many of are freelancers?

What's David Wong like?

The writers in our offices are currently Jack O'Brien, Daniel O'Brien, Soren Bowie, Robert Evans, Adam Tod Brown, and Michael Swaim. But that's only because you don't need to live in LA to write for the site. Other full-time writers such as David Wong, Robert Brockway, John Cheese, Kristi Harrison, etc. live in other states.

David Wong is made of thoughts and can not be seen.

How many people in total work at Cracked offices?

Including our dev and admin department, I'd say about 20? People focused on content, about 9?

Hi Cody, I have a two part question:

Four two-officer units respond to a call for backup at a working automotive parts theft shop. Cover officers are briefed by the contact officer and told that approximately five people are thought to be in the building and should be considered armed. Presume you are one of five officers forming a perimeter around the warehouse, which has exits on three sides. You are within line of sight of one other officer and are closest to one of the doors. The officer is attempting to apprehend a suspect trying to leave the building and is involved in a struggle. What is your favorite type of pasta? Furthermore, do you eat all of your garlic bread first, or do you save some in order to wipe up the sauce after the pasta is gone? Explain your response.

Yes.

Serious: Do you have a crush on any of your coworkers?

I know Soren is dreamy for everyone... but does someone else have a special place?

Edit: Also, how hard is it to become a Cracked Writer? I want to know if it's an achievable life goal for someone who words like I do.

I had a crush on a coworker once and now we live together. She made me bacon and eggs this morning.

Anyone can be a Cracked Writer. Follow your dreams, unless they're spoooooooky ones.

I got to meet you at Comikaze, thank you for being so nice.

What have been your favorite Cracked videos to work on?

Thanks for thinking I was nice! It was great meeting you probably!

I really enjoy making Marvels of the Science, and really just any video where I get to make up a fun character and voice. Our Looper sketch comes to mind. Superbly directed by Adam Ganser, and superbly way a fun time because stupid voices are fun by me.

Do all the Cracked writers have meetings where they discuss potential article ideas or are you expected to come up with them on your own?

Columnists can come up with articles on their own. A columnist is someone who's hyper-aware of the site's voice (and their own voice) and are strong enough writers that they don't need an editor looking over their shoulder. They can pitch something if they feel iffy about it, but more often than not they just say "I'm going to write a column about X", and they go forward with it.

For the main feature articles, there are two weekly editorial meetings where everyone talks for hours about new pitches and current drafts of articles in the works. Sometimes a bunch of new articles will come from those meetings, sometimes only one might. It all depends on the action in our writer's workshop that week, and whether or not they meet the editorial team's standards.

why does a "Top 10" piece need 5 separate webpages?

It doesn't, it needs 2. And it needs 2 for a couple reasons. One is that statistically people don't like seeing huge blocks of text with no end in sight. That's just true, people tend to read things less if they can see that it's long, and the majority of our content is longer than the average list site, because we're awesome. But people like pictures and page breaks because it's easier on the eyes and not as overwhelming.

But also, and I think this is what you're getting at, a top ten piece needs 2 separate webpages so we can stay in business and pay our hard-working employees without charging a subscription fee. Any time you have to click a single button on Cracked and wait a second while a new page loads in order to read an additional couple thousand words, please remember that a lot of us work 60+ hours a week, and our content is free.

If you didn't work at Cracked, where would you want to work?

Television. Good television.

When are we getting the next season of after hours?

A new episode airs this coming Monday!

What's with all the crying?

I'm a man with feelings. Let me feel them.

Nothing specific to say, although I'm familiar with your writing on Cracked. I'm mainly responding because it's nice to see some meaty replies here. I guess that's what happens when you have a writer responding. It's much better than reading three word replies.

yeah no prob

What's your funniest House of Pain/Fungle memory?

The time Jun walked around and threw up a tiny bit on literally every guest at the party. Also, The Bernards reunion at HoP.

What advice would you give to an aspiring purveyor of dick jokes that might not apply to other, less funny forms of writing?

Don't be discouraged. A lot of first-time pitchers don't get pitches accepted right away for many different reasons. It can be disheartening and people will stop pitching. But we're looking for very specific things with certain standards, and it can take a while for people to really grasp it. So stick with it. That's true of most things. But if you want to be a writer (for anywhere, not just for Cracked), keep writing all the time forever.

I know this is sort of a backhanded compliment, and I really don't mean to be insulting, but when I started going to Cracked I used to really not like your articles, but more and more I'm really enjoying your work and your sense of humor. I guess I thought you might like hearing that.

I think I do. Thanks? Also, thanks!

How do you decide what you are going to write about? Like, is it assigned to you, do you come up with it and write it, or what?

I'm lucky enough to be a columnist and have the freedom to write about whatever I want. Usually that means Star Wars, science, or complete nonsense.

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Be kind. Help. Work. Learn.

Just how awesome is Buzzfeed?

I can't describe it in words, sorry. I'd rather a TV or movie character make a face and do it for me.

If the squid shark ocean and stop sign sun fought again today, who would win?

That's a tough call. Sounds like it would be a stalemate, but I'd need to watch them fight for at least ten minutes to know for sure.