I pick up dead people. AMA!

I drove the "meat wagon" in my county for nearly two years, also under contract. Glancing through the list of questions, I have to laugh at what you could answer with.

Here's one for you. What was your worst decomp?

I'll share mine... streamline trailer (those rounded metal bubble looking ones), person missing in Feb, we were called in July. This is Florida, they were never frozen. They'd popped because of the small room size. Only decomp we were required to wear our biosuit for in my entire time there. We used a sheet to collect pieces, and dumped the remains in the bag. Took us a good hour to find the hand-skin for prints, it'd floated under the bed.

Oh, another question I'm curious about since different states. What are your bag colors? We used white bags for 'clean' and black for 'messy'.

One thing I still have is a piece of police line tape. My first 'pieces' was a cop's first 'pieces' so I traded a toe tag for a section of police line tape. From a hanging, I did take biological matter... guy had left a note for someone to adopt the kittens he left in his van, so I persuaded animal control to left me take the sole surviving one (the rest succumbed to heat stroke). I named him Grim.

Oh, and we once picked up a live guy. Ever had that one happen? Was a mental hospital, left bag on the gurney by the nurses station to seek out where the body was. Couldn't find anyone, and our gurney was in a room and loaded when we got back. We asked the nurse, who said she thought two orderlies took care of it. Do our paperwork and leave. About 5 minutes after we leave, dude knocks on the window to the cab with 'are we out yet'? I nearly shit myself, and my partner who was driving nearly crashed the van. I hopped on the radio, and we got turned around, real fast.

(Sorry, my friends are all girly girls who don't like to hear about my stories. I actually liked the job, just not the hours.)

my worst decomp was a hoarder house in the desert. dead for 3 weeks and she was about 650 pounds! maggots where huge and skin slippage/blisters galore. got it all over me too, almost was ready to walk out the door. you guys were provided bio suits? ive seen them but no one ever wears them and ive had bad ones.

our bags are white. i think they got rid of ME bags in black since the 80s. mostly in movies where people see the black ones. its harder to find key evidence in a black bag vs white.

ive actually went to the wrong bed before and started to wrap a lady in the sheet, she asked me "where are we going?" almost shit myself. i was new too.

I never had to deal with a hoarder decomp, and was lucky my heaviest was only 500lb on a day we had 2 trainees to help. All of our hoarders were at least fresh.

Ever play tricks on new people? We did... partial decomp, identity known (so we could get away with a little more), when we knew they had lost 'cohesion', we'd take trainees and let them try and lift by themselves. They'd do arms and legs... one guy had the forearm skin slough off, meat landing on the floor at his feet... he puked in his gas mask.

As per biosuits, I am in a city with a major military base. We were told they are only for 'unknown infectious status' and told we'd be billed to our paychecks if we ever used them without needing to. Company REALLY didn't like giving them to us, but the sheriff's office required us to have them. We didn't catch any shit for using them this time.

As per equipment, we ran a converted van-ambulance with yellow flashers (we didn't get to run code, except for 1 time the sheriff personally told us to haul ass since a news van saw a multiple fatalies crash occur), our bags were white (clean/fresh) or black (blood/decomp, hid the mess better) as I said, we had gas masks rated for ammonia (finer filter than bio, worked for both and kept out more smell) for decomps, regular 'surgeons masks' for normal day to day, sheets for picking up blobs (roll them to the side, sheet down, roll on, lift via sheet and put in bag), and went through boxes and boxes of nitrile gloves. In a locked cabinet (not easy to get to) were 2 positive pressure biosuits, in the cabinet next to them were the heavy ass backpacks that had the air tanks for them. Also, an old ambulance gurney which usually smelled of bleach.

Suits looks very much like this but had a backpack that looked like a small school pack, that had two tanks in it; one was 50% nitrox, the other was nitrogen.. and was a PITA to get going right so the suit inflated.

i never played a trick on people but, my mom has when she owned a transport company. spooked the guy enough he changed his phone number the next day haha. and those bio suits are nuts. ive never used one, and im sure i should have many times before. what part of florida do you live in? and how long ago was it when you did removals?

I too am in this industry and it surprises me to hear you don't use black bags anymore seeing as that's all we use, unless it's a baby that is. Then we use a small white bag

yea, we only use white. unless its a really big guy or hard to get we use a disaster bag thats blue. has handles on the side. maybe its diffrent in other states.

Do you say "Bring out your dead!" when you do it?

hahaha i think that all the time in my head.

How frequently do you get Monty Python and the Holy Grail jokes?

haha i havent yet.

Ever cop a feel?

on accident, but dont really think about it. the dead have eerie powers, dont want those mofos haunting me haha.

What are the "Jumpers" like?

like mashed potatoes sometimes, depends on how high they fall from. and what they hit on the way down. most of the time the ones i get arent from and insane height. so the body just gets completely mangled.

So, what's your favorite pick up line?

you ever seen a dead body?

Have you ever had to pick up anyone you knew?

not yet! thats one of my worst fears. i have grew up in this business my whole life. my mom owned a transport company in the early 80's, so its just been normal to me. shes still in the business now, and all her friends as well. pretty much family. im going to go to school soon to get higher up on the chain, most likely investigations.

Have you ever had to pick up a high profile person? For example, a celebrity or national news. My father owns a business that does removals for funeral homes. He one time had to pick up a man who made national news . He was a school bus driver that took a bullet for the kids but, unfortunately one kid was taken and held in an underground bomb shelter for a few days. Anyway he had to take the man to the state forensics lab and back to a funeral home.

so far not really. i picked up the retired district attorney. thats about as high profile as i got. ive been in the news tho for car accidents/murders.

What kind of vehicles do you use? For our long distance calls we use suburbans and for locals we use Dodge caravans.

we use chevy econo vans, and sometimes the smaller soccer mom vans for mortuary transports. the investigators drive ford escapes, we also have mobile crime labs. like big uhaul trailers.

What was your "best" experience in picking up the deceased?

What was your most "I think I might quit this job is so terrible" experience, if any?

dont really have any 'best experiences'. the job is fun to do, i get to see some really interesting stuff.

the worst one i had that was really terrible was a hoarder lady that lived by herself with no family, out in the desert here in so cal. she died in her house and wis sitting there for atleast three weeks with no AC. she was 650 pounds and was the worst decomp i have ever had. bloated two times her size, AND SHE WAS A HUGE LADY. i went to grab her arm and there was blood blisters/decomp juice in them and they just started to burst, all while here skin was slipping off the bone. got it all over me. she had maggots the size of quarters some bigger coming out of every crevice of her body. when we turned her over she had 100's of maggots explode out of her mouth. i dont mind decomps at all, just as long as they are that big.

Reading that reminded me that I never, ever want to die.

i dont think its too bad, probably the most peaceful thing we can experience if we are old and in pain.

So is it often difficult to eat lunch?

nope, i always drive thru places with a body on board. unless its a decomp. usually pick up a suicide, or car accident then go grab myself a burrito down the street.

What do you think happens when you die?

im not religious at all. i think we just go blank. like before we where born. kind of a hard question! haha

what kind of death is the messiest to clean up? my guess goes to drowning.

yup! unless all the fish havent eatin most of it yet. i live near the ocean so ive picked up bodys that washed ashore. has the worst smell ever, worse then a regular decomp. much more of a sulfur smell. but the worst ones are jumpers.

How did you get in to this job? Like, I can't imagine a little kid being like "Mommy, when I grow up, I wanna be a coroner!". Or was it like that?

my mom has been in the business for 35 years. shes a funeral director now, but owned a transport company like the one i work for. i grew up around it. saw my first dead body at about 6 years old. its just natural for me. my whole family on my moms side is in the business. have a uncle whos a investigator (which im trying to be) and a cousin in forensics. its real interesting and diffrent.

The real life Dexter... or should I say, Michael Fisher

i keep hearing about that show! ill have to check it out. is it like csi? i cant stand shows like that. so fake and far off.

yeah, i've also always been super interested in the process of what happens after someone's death (although, I'm not particularly inclined to get involved any time soon haha)

its not for most people. my friends always want to go on ride alongs, but i kinda change the subject. not many people can emotionally handle the job.

What's your best 'story' for us based on what you do?

theres so many i can go for days. all of them are relativly fun, except children. ive picked up people that have been raped/killed, suicide, natural causes, car accidents, fires, and plane crashes on military bases. (contracted through NCIS) theres a crazy one in particular that i went to, guy turned the table saw on and read full blast into it head first. looked like a horror movie. neighbors called because of blood leaking down the driveway. he was high on meth go figure. also a marine that shot himself twice in the head. might have been a malfunction with the gun tho, but crazy if he did. also picked up a guy in the desert in the middle of nowhere, parked his car, hidden in a creek, and blew his head off. our investigators said he was there for six months. when they opened the door a cloud of thick dust poured out. what was left of the dry remains, probably weighed about 15 pounds. i will think of more, and post em in this thread.

also a marine that shot himself twice in the head

that just sounds like it could be murder coverup to my fully untrained opinion.

yea i didnt follow on the investigation. murder is the easiest crime to get away with tho. only thing that gets u in trouble is ur mouth

How did you get into this line of work?

familys in the business. got lucky my mom knows almost everyone in the business.

I'm kind of disappointed that your proof pics didn't show dead people.

OK, should add a question, too... Has the family of a dead guy ever tipped you?

yea all the time, especially asian familys. got 100 bills one time from a italian dude. i hat to take it but they insist. especially if their dad/mom was a huge tipper. we just take it not to be rude.

also dont want to post pictures, i could lose my job if anyone found out. if u want to see good ones go to documentingreality. com

Oh my fucking god, why? Why is there a site for this??

some people are curious. thats why i wanted to do the job. now its really nothing for me. just a job. you seen one dead body you seen em all.

That's actually pretty sweet. What does the job pay?

About a 1000 a week

Next to peanuts. Its one of the lowest paying jobs out there, especially so when you're running it under contract.

Not where I live. 25 a call at least 8 calls a day. 7 days a week

how often are dead bodies found on the commode?

i dont wanna die on the toilet, but i probably spend about ahalf hour a day on it...

more than you think! alot of people die on the toilet, and i hate those ones. i can handle any smell but someone elses shit. alot of older folks die on the toilet by popping blood vessels by pushing and just bitin the dust there. ive had a bad one one time where a guy was in the bathtub and fell. lived alone and wasent found for 2 weeks. all while he has sitting slowlt running hot water. he plugged the drain the way he fell down, so he was sitting in the water. the whole floor in the house was wet and soaked in his decomp juices. the smell was horrible. he was like a melted stew in the bathtub. nothing but floating bones and soft pieces of tissue. he was also a big dude when he was alive, so it was alot to deal with.

fuck.

whats the wierdest thing you've seen someone die from.

a friend of mine is an EMT and he went and picked up a guy who had gotten a sexual aid jammed too far into himself by his boyfriend and he couldnt get it out.

he had to be put on his belly and carted around on a gurny with a hilariously looking peak covered by a sheet.

i pick up alot of Erotic asphyxiation deaths. i had a gay dude one time in a sex swing with a huge buttplug dildo up his ass. they pulled it out in the autopsy room and i saw it the next day, the size of my head atleast.

have you ever had to pick up a body from multiple locations?

what do you mean? ive picked up a body off the side of the freeway with its hands and head missing. they found the head and hands across town at a diffrent location. i picked those up days later. that count?

How bad does your van smell?

Have you ever had someone so ripe that you had to keep the windows down for a while?

i keep my van smelling good, those pictures right there are of my coworkers van. his smells like a dead cat is under the seat. and the smell doesent bother me. of course it doesent smell great, but i wont lose my lunch. some guys i work with cant handle it at all. im usually the one that has to transport. i especially love when a cop pulls me over and smells the van when i have a juicy one in the back. always let me go, but they usually do because we are pretty cool with the police here. faster we get to a call the faster they can leave, so we show respect to eachother.

Has a family member of the deceased ever stopped you or tried to stop you from collecting the body?

yup, my one coworker got swung on by a angry cholo at a mortuary house call. i guess my coworker knocked him in one punch out of self defense. cops came and took his side. i wasent there so dont know the whole story. but some people are weird, i meet alot on a daily basis. got to to be understanding tho. some stranger coming in and taking your dead loved one. id be iffy too.

Are they heavy?

depends, of course it is dead weight lol. i can pick up around 250-300 pound person lying in bed if a gurny cant get in the room.

What's the sadest body (to you) that you have had to deal with yet?

alot of them are pretty sad, just watching the mourning family left behind. only ones that really get to me are kids. saddest one i had was a 10 year old boy with cancer. at only 10 years old he was battling it for 7 years! the parents suprisingly were not as devastated as i thought walking in. they new it was coming and were just glad he wasent in pain anymore. the parents were wealthy too. it looked like richie rich's house walking in. kid had every toy imaginable. jsut goes to show no matter how much money you have you cant buy eternal life.

Have any of your co-workers ever did a sick prank on someone?

not yet! or that i know of, im going to think of something good tho haha. but my mom back in the day made someone quit. they hid in the mortuary on a prepping table and waited for a new guy to come in. its already a creepy mortuary as is. he was alone and the dude under the sheet grabed his arm and stood up. dude was literally scared to death. he changed his phone number the next day

Do you put them down too?

only when i drop them.

What was the WORST (and then best) scene you had to pick up?

And what are some things that actually smell like dead people?

worst was a 800 pound guy that died in a trailer with shit and piss covered in the bed. he never left the bed. was a mountain dew/little debby graveyard in the room with piss bottles next to the bed with a laptop and a tv. it was horrible, i cant stand piss and shit.

theres alot of pretty fun things ive been on, i really like car accidents, and murders. funniest one i saw was a midget who hung herself from a door knob. also train jumpers are fun seeing how far guts can get thrown. or jumpers who turn into jelly on the ground.

best way to describe the smell? walk into a convalescent home! haha. or if u want to smell a decomp take 10 pounds of pork and set it in a metal trash can in the hot sun for a week. thats the closest smell to a human being as a pig shares certain characteristics to humans in some way. -dont remember the reason-

Sorry in advance and I hate to bring this up again if someone already did... BUT WHAT THE FUCK A MIDGIT HANGING OFF A DOORKNOB?! (Btw were officially friends now stranger. Good tales. Keep em comin.)

yea it was fucking weirdest call ive ever been on. it was a very small girl, i think 17, but not sure. anyway she wasent one of the normal midgets, she was really small. her mom came home to find her hanging from the doorknob behind her sisters door. classic old school prison style with a shoe lace. she tied enough to stand up and just jumped on her butt and offed herself. to make it worse the fucking house was filled with little dolls and clowns. actually had a nightmare about it haha.

Seems like an ingenious way to avoid rejection.

Sometimes they're a little bit cold though...

a warm bath does the trick!

hahaha.

Without knowing people in the business, how would one go about getting this kind of job?

the medical examiner transport is harder to get into, its kind of who you know. but just go to local mortuaries and ask if they need help. there is always a task to do there so u might get a job. once you get into it, its real easy to talk to people and get information.

How accurate is Law and Order's depictions of MEs?

havent really watched that show too much. but NCIS is far off. the medical examiners are doctors. so if they act/speak like doctors on the show then i would guess its accurate. im not a medical examiner. just do their transport for them.

You might pick me up one day

id say find help. not worth killing yourself bro. no matter how bad you have it, someones got it 10x worse. but if your going to do it, join a cult. i get paid per body so 1 more wont hurt.

Take a guess ... what do you imagine will be the cause of your own death?

havent really thought of it truthfully, but i joke with my coworkers that i wish i was a nasty decomp up 6 flights of stairs. (im a big guy)

Did you ever had to pick up a frozen body?

nope! not yet. i live in southern cali so not much around here.

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i actually listen to wrap. brotha lynch hung/andre nickatina alot. when i play brotha lynch my coworker thinks im a sick fuck.

Do you have any stories regarding the paranormal?

not really yet, when im alone in the funeral homes, especially one in paticular i get weird vibes sometimes. like somones watching me or shadows in the corner of my eye. if i respect the dead hopefully they wont come to haunt me haha. the dead has eerie powers!

What do you mean by eerie powers?

i dunno. just the feeling you get when you are in a room with 300 dead people. it always feels like your not alone.

How do you do it? The Mystery Method?

as in just being able to handle the job? the pay is really good so thats a plus. also its never bothered me. growing up in the business i got used to it. just gotta have compassion for people doing this. im not just picking up some dead body. thats someones loved one. of course they are gone, we are there for the living. i sure as hell dont want to be dead somewhere in the middle of nowhere just forgotten about.

your a necrophiliac?

not at all. ive picked up hot chicks tho. mostly car crashes and overdoses. the smell of dead flesh is gross. also the state of what the body looks like isnt to sexually appealing.