I am comedian Amy Schumer - I saw Bono in an airport once. AMA.

Hey Schumer, remember that time you fooled around with a cab driver? That was me.....

there is no way that guy could afford a computer.

I love the show but my girlfriend hates you for some reason. Should I leave her?

yes.

Hey Amy, my boyfriend and I just bought tickets to see you August 25th in NJ. What are you wearing so we can be matching?

-an obsessed fan

overalls, over a pastel pink Land's End turtleneck.

Did Steve-O beat your ass after the Ryan Dunn joke?

no, Steve-O and i are friends. that reaction you witnessed was largely due to editing. I stand by that joke. and a joke it was.

Hey Amy, can you summarize every single Original Lifetime movie in one sentence?

I knew he loved me when he tried to slit my throat.

hey Amy, how do I tell my cat he's adopted?

ooh wow, that's tough. i would suggest just putting him down.

(just kidding - find his birth parents and offer them visitation every other weekend)

You don't like athletic sex, but you enjoy a taxi driver's finger, comment?

i'm a simple girl. with simple pleasures. and I support our blue collar workers.

Amy, what's your ideal first date?

The Brooklyn botanical gardens - we slow-dance, sipping prosecco under the stars.

just kidding. no date, please just come over! I'm already kind of drunk.

Who is your favorite comedian?

Dave Attell.

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he is a funny guy. and he is great in bed. I was the problem.

Hello Amy! First off, thanks for doing this AMA. Fuck one, kill one, marry one: David Cross , Aziz Ansari , Ken Jeong

i would say; fuck, marry and kill David Cross. So i can be with Amber.

unless he asked you for some money it probably wasn't Bono

i think he could tell i had no money...

Amy, who is your celebrity crush?

Christian Bale or Joaquin Phoenix. I like speech impediments and tiny deformities.

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why, whatchu got? are we talking a baby arm?

How do you and Tig Notaro really get along?

she's one of my best friends. she makes me laugh harder than anybody. i'd like to think i make her laugh too.

Is Anthony Jeselnik as offensive as his comedy? I've seen interviews where he's really nice and humble, is that what he's actually like?

he is an evil genius. And has a good heart.

WHERE DID YOU GET THOSE BOOTS? (note: i am raising my hand)

security! get this person out of here!

Disclaimer: I know you're busy, please pick any one to answer. Thanks in advance!

• Do you have a "rider" for your stand-up shows, and if so, what's on it?

• What town or venue do you refuse to go back to (most of all if more than one) and why?

• Who was the most horrible, awkward and/or creepy comedian backstage whom you've ever dealt with?

that's a good question. picture a framed photo of Whoopi Goldberg. local ganja. and a dreamcatcher. and a bottle of Cakebread Chardonnay. that's my rider.

i don't think i would refuse to go anywhere. I am a masochist and will return for punishment. But I almost quit Cleveland.

the list is so long it would take 90 minutes to finish. but off the top of my head; it's probably me.

Cleveland sucks! I know because I live there. I will definitely come to your show if you come back though

alright fine.

Amy, could you tell us your version of The Aristocrats?

Something something dad double-penetration. Thank you and goodnight!

omg your so fucking hot. i would do some much weird stuff with you. please respond

wow, great! can't wait!

Congrats on the show and thanks for doing this! I'm 28 and I just started in comedy and I've been waiting for this AMA for awhile now. Let me ask you, how long after starting stand up was it before you got paid to tell jokes, and did it feel different from being an amateur? Also, any advice?

getting paid does NOT make you any better at standup, trust me. i wish it did. it's all about getting as much stage time as possible. it took me 2 years - my first gig, i got paid $20 and i drove 8 hours to do it. worth it.

advice: get onstage, however possible. there are no shortcuts. you need to put in the time.

Have you ever seen Bono in an airport once?

yes, i have seen Bono in an airport once. thanks for asking.

Hey Amy, Big fan of your show and love you on the roasts.

What is the weirdest thing you have done sexually?

oof, that's hard. i would say re-enacting the basement scene from pulp fiction. playing all the characters by myself.

What was for favorite question and answer from one of your "Amy goes deep" sessions from your show? Who was your favorite guest?

i liked asking the Jesus Camp Counselor if he thought i was going to hell. He said no, but his eyes said "yes."

My favorite guest - Kenny the bodyguard. And the dominatrix.

What's your favorite name for your genitals?

my reddit.

What do you think about Portland, OR?

i love portland. i love anywhere where people are allowed to dress like they're in a traveling circus, but really are just baristas.

Is Anthony Jeselnik as good in bed as he looks like he'd be?

Anthony is exactly as good in bed as he looks like he would be.

What's your favorite animal?

i'm going to go penguin. I'm going to go with the penguins that stick awkwardly to themselves and stare off into space. so socially awkward penguins.

Amy! I think you are hot. what is your secret?

genetics (just kidding). I eat and drink like a normal person. And i love sex. Oil of Olay, motherfucker!

First of all, let me have a fan girl moment here. I LOVE your work. As a gay man who is totally into the 'roast' offensive humour, you are my favourite comedian. I read once you were sleeping in your car, is this true and what would you say was your hardest task to overcome in life to bring you to where you are now.

(side note: I love that scene in Inside Amy Schumer when you and your girlfriends are complimenting each other, but each girl has to deny the compliment and ends up killing themselves...I was in tears laughing!)

i was not ever sleeping in my car; i've slept in other people's cars but that's just because i get really tired post-coital. i've had to overcome a lot, to be honest with you. and i'm writing about all that stuff now, in a book. but it would take too long to go through it all today. but i'm looking forward to sharing it soon.

what inspired that skit: Jessi Klein the head writer and executive producer and i noticed that we were deflecting any kind words coming our way, and we thought that was problematic. so we wrote a funny little scene where everybody kills themselves at the end.

I will definitely buy your book, or considering I am a broke college student, I might have to borrow it from a friend haha. I'd love to work with you one day, I really admire what you do and how you are doing it. Cheers, Brent.

thanks Brent.

What is your ideal penis like?

It's attached to someone i love with all my soul. And rock-hard.

Hi Amy, I recently listened to your interview on NPR and really enjoyed it. I was wondering if you see yourself breaking into movies anytime soon? Or would you prefer to continue on television?

thanks for listening to that interview! i'm pretty sure i made Terri Gross blush through the radio. i want to be in movies, i think. i'm writing one now.

Preference between NPR and Howard Stern?

i'm not comfortable with this Sophie's Choice situation. i'll take my own life.

When you walk around the street asking people questions, how do you pick the people you ask? Thanks in advanced

it's a really tough interview selection process. what we do is, we interview anyone who's willing to talk to us.

Hey Amy,

I'm a huge fan. I do stand up locally, and I find that it's extra hard being a female comedienne, as I think we are limited in our material because of what we look like, the assumption that women aren't funny, and that people expect a certain type of comedy from us.

How do you deal with these situations and other assholes who told you that you aren't funny/should quit/sleeping your way to the top?

Thank you!

you are right about everything you just said. those stigmas never leave. unfortunately, a great importance is put on our appearance as women above all, and it's horrible.

i do my best to not let it get me down. you do yours. I've only slept with one comedian. and I think it got me to the middle. just be funny, and work hard, and don't worry about all that bullshit.

Who was your favorite person to roast? Also, if you could roast anyone, for the public to see, who would it be?

writing jokes about Mike Tyson was my favorite. if I could roast anyone, right now i would like to roast Paula Deen.

What's something really embarrassing we can ask Jeselnik in his AMA next week?

ask him about his tattoo. and please don't ask me about mine.

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the racist stuff is me playing a character. the sex stuff is 99% based on fact. the creepiest thing a fan has said to me - i think just asking if it was them insisting on walking me home. and it was Colin Quinn.

Is Amber Tamblyn a good kisser?

i'm not lying when i say she is the best kisser in the whole world.

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Amsterdam. in a cafe. near the red light district. oh no wait, i'm remembering, it was mushrooms. but still, it was dope.

yay!
i was looking forward to this ama all week. i even figured out how to work the whole timedifference thing
so i don't really have a great question but i wanted to know what kind of kid you where in highschool, nerd, dramageek, normal, totally popular boring?
also are you still living with tig notaro and kyle dunnigan? i heard they sleep in a bunkbed. i think the three of you and your living arrengement would make for a great cheesy 90s sitcom
and my final question: why is there always that (half)serioussegment on the amy schumer show where you interview people. do you feel like you have some kind of obligation to do some serious stuff to now that you reach a bunch of people

EDIT: sorry for my english not so good

i was all of those things in high school. I was like every member of the Breakfast Club in one. I identify with nerds, drama geeks, athletes, sluts, and prudes. I didn't identify with the kids who had straight As. thanks for your question, that is really nice.

we don't live together anymore, they moved back to LA, but Kyle is coming to write for season 2. they did have bunk beds. and we would prefer it be a 70s sitcom. It would be called "Tig's Company."

i'm also sorry for your english not so good. I like talking to real people, and if it gets serious, that's ok.

When are you coming to Utah?

The next time they have the Olympics there.

What's your adult drink of choice?

i like tequila. and scotch. and wine. and vodka. You know what, i'm going to get out of here and go to a meeting.

Hi Amy, I have heard that you can go blind if you masturbate too much.

Well, I do it a lot. An awful lot. Will masturbating make me go blind?

/girl

yes. it will make you go blind, but then you won't have to be so picky anymore. enjoy!

Love you on O&A!

What color panties are you wearing?

they're like trident gum green. sweet mint Orbitz green. but when i put them on they were white.

What comedian that you haven't worked with yet would you most like to collaborate with?

Woody Allen.

Is Anthony Jeselnik as cruel and awesome offstage as onstage?

he is the Joffrey of comedy. and one the best guys I know.

If your phone was hacked, what would be revealed about you? Sex, selfies, sexy selfies?

people would see that i have a lot of black friends.

What is Charlie Sheen like in real life?

he is an actual, living, genius and rockstar. his brain is like John Coltrane, and he is a sweetheart. nothing but love for that legend.

Are there any topics you consider 'off limits' in your act?

no, not really. as long as my intention is to make people laugh, and be truthful, then i ain't scurred.

Is it ever uncomfortable being really honest and personal in front of a room full of strangers?

i feel strangely ok with it.

Hi Amy,

You’re an inspiration to me because I also went to Towson University and now I perform stand up. Not that I’m even ready for one yet, but I don’t get how “big breaks” work really and would like to hear about what happened with yours. I assume it was probably Last Comic Standing, but what happened after that, exactly? Were you aggressively doing stand-up and getting approached with offers? Did you have an agent or someone who was pitching you to places like Comedy Central for a half-hour Presents and roast appearances? Or were you trying to get in front of those places yourself and trying to network with comics who were, at the time, better known and more advanced in their careers? All of the above?

When did you decide you could, financially, afford to do stand-up full time? Did the decision seem like a frightening risk, or an amazing relief?

Thanks!

i don't think standup is a place for networking or getting discovered too quickly. it's really something you need to spend a lot of time on before getting good, and it's a good idea to hold off before exposing people to your work. there are a couple of times when it felt like a break, but you can't tell a break when it happens to you. you just hope people see your work and like it. And keep doing it. About 4 years into comedy is when i got filed from my mail-sorting job and relied on comedy. it still feels like a frightening risk.

What is your current and all-time favorite recording artist and song?

ooh, it's a tie between Ani DiFranco, "marrow" and Wu Tang, "Liquid Swords."

what's the best kind of alcohol to get blackout drunk and make bad decisions?

Jack Daniels is in my experience, the biggest demon. you might as well take all the contacts out of your phone. I stay away from that stuff.

hey Amy - you're one of my all-time favorite comedians and IAS is easily my favorite show on television right now.

my question: I've watched Behind Amy Schumer, but I still wonder, is it really just how it looks filming it? you're hanging out with your comedian buddies and goofing around, and whatever you like from the goofing goes into the show? the show seems so brilliantly written but you can still see where improv and obviously standup comes into play - how do you balance all three very different comedy mechanisms?

also - towson (and all of maryland) misses you!

first of all, thanks for watching Behind Amy Schumer. Linked for those who haven't seen it yet.

i think the balancing comes naturally, but we have people keeping us in line. and at the end of the day, i still want to make a great tv show, so we get our work done. but have a blast doing it.

i love Baltimore. i got robbed there 5 times. but i go back whenever i can.

Vampires are out. Sparkling Vampires are horrendous. And S&M a la "50 Shades" makes the Baby Jesus cry, get hard, and cry again. What's the next big thing in masturbatory fiction?

I think whales. Baleen whales. Just google it.

AMY!!! I love you. I first heard you on Howard Stern and I absolutely love when you're on his show. Come back on soon!

I think your show is something really unique and is absolutely fucking hilarious. I hope it lasts a long time!

yay! thank you.

can i please be the hairstylist to give you a real hair circle???

i got one, but thank you.

Eh, I'll one up you, I saw Danny Glover and we both were waiting for our luggage, mine was the last out, and his wasn't there at all. True story. I'm 43, pretty good sense of humor, real fucked up childhood, so I have the basics. Thought about getting into the biz, I know I'm older, but hey, YOLO...(had to throw that in there). seriously, are you a LA child, or did you do some time in the trenches? If so, where? I am in Louisville, KY, moving back to central FL this month, will you be near any of those locals on your tour???

i was born in Lennox Hill hospital in NYC. I don't have any plans to go to Kentucky right now. but i am extremely jealous of your Danny Glover sighting. his performance is The Royal Tenenbaums was tantamount to Bono's Joshua tree.

Have you ever had to do a 'clean' version of your material for any reason? How'd that go?

i have often promised to clean up my set for corporate events, and have never done it. much like "sex farm" in Spinal Tap. I can only be myself.

Can we go on a date?

yea, yea i guess so. i know nothing about you right now, which means I can project that you're perfect. Can we immediately go to couple's therapy? And you have a fear of blowjobs, right? but an insatiable craving for...

What is the best way you have dealt with a heckler?

getting them to leave of their own volition. I'm proud i can do that.